What We Learned From Week 14 of the 2013 NFL Season – The “Truth Or Lies” Edition, Part II

By J-Dub and Meehan

As we have been doing all season, we are breaking down things that you need to know as we head into the play-offs. As we get closer, that means that issues with team get more magnified. That also means that a lot of assumptions that have been held about the teams who are still play-off contenders become true or get exposed as just another pack of lies. So, without any further adieu, here are this week’s questions…

1) Truth or Lie: Nick Foles is the real deal

What We Learned From Week 7 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from whichever fat-bag ex-player they’ve trotted out who makes a $1,500 suit look like a bursting sausage casing with buttons, you probably also didn’t know that kit-flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

Think about that the next time you want to tell us how much soccer sucks.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit a few weeks ago, and in addition to the death certificates we mailed out last week, there’s another autopsy report to share with you.

Minnesota Vikings:

• Cause of Death: Multiple Organ Failure
• Autopsy Report: This  death didn’t exactly have an obscure pathology. Taking a guy who got run out of town by the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (holy living fuck, for the first time this century that phrase is not being used in reference to the Oakland Raiders) and making him your starting quarterback is like taking a needle from the arm of an Ebola patient and using it to shoot 30 cc’s of battery acid into your eyeball. Make no mistake, this team is dead. If it wasn’t the fact that you saw the Giants spreading Josh Freeman all over the turf like he was 250 pounds of Jif Extra Creamy Peanut Butter, if it wasn’t the fact that Adrian Peterson couldn’t get anywhere with the ball, then the sight of Christian Ponder sitting on the sidelines knowing full well he will never see the field again had to tell Viking fans everywhere this team is done.  The part that is hard for us to understand is that Ponder was HUGE in the Vikes’ playoff run last season, so what happened? He suddenly didn’t get any more mediocre; he’s been amazingly consistent in his level of meh. The simple fact is the entire team got worse.

What We Learned From Week Six of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Mike Greemberg and Mike Golic, you probably also don’t know that Alfred Kinsey, author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), had a collection of 5 million wasps and could insert a toothbrush into his penis, bristle-end first.

You know that bit of knowledge just changed your life. Now, here’s some football facts that will do the same.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit last week, and it’s already time to mail out some death certificates.

New York Giants:

• Cause of Death: Chronic Turnover Syndrome
• Autopsy Report:  After eight interceptions in the fourth quarters of the first six games, Eli Manning is once again reduced to being the one in the family who’s going through a rough stretch.  This has caused Eli and the Giants to let their injuries absolutely destroy their chances of being successful.  The 2012-2013 New York Giants season has become the longest tip drill in history.

Jacksonville Jaguars:

• Cause of Death:  Self-inflicted gunshot wound to genital area
• Autopsy Report:  Even when it appeared that they were hanging with a good team, the Jaguars proved that they have no real firepower, except when it comes to shooting themselves.

Atlanta Falcons:

• Cause of Death:  Burst rectum from repeated anal rape with a sharp object
• Autopsy Report: The Falcons training center is starting to look like Jonestown 15 minutes after they made the Kool-Aid.  With the popularity of companies using temp services to provide labor for their short-term needs combined with the fact the Falcons are blowing out their knees putting on their shoes, the Atlanta Falcons medical staff now employs 15% of the U.S. population.

Oakland Raiders:

• Cause of Death: Hit by a semi loaded with flaming double-edged razor blades
• Autopsy Report: The fact that their two “best” receivers are Denarius Moore and Rod Streater means the offense ranks 27th in passing.  That translates to  gets you 7 fucking points a game if they are lucky.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

• Cause Of Death: Acute Schiano-itis
• Autopsy Report: Forget about the fact this team has more problems with MRSA than John Holmes had with AIDS.  Do we really need to do an autopsy on a team that has gone 0-3 at home and probably couldn’t beat the Jaguars right now.

Pittsburgh Steelers:

• Cause of Death: Old Age
• Autopsy Report:  Most likely available on the entire server Drunkathlete.com has allocated to Ben Roethlisberger. Sure, that’s not new stuff, but losing means all your foibles get rehashed by bloggers who do little more than eat Hot Pockets and masturbate to pictures of Linda Cohn. This death is even stranger from a franchise that both has no sense of urgency and usually doesn’t put up with this kind of shit.

2) Teams that Dropped to the Critical List:

Houston Texans:

We know, we know…There’s still ten games left in the season, and a lot can happen in that time, but let’s not kid anybody here.  This team is one re-run of Grey’s Anatomy away from a dirt nap.  There is no conceivable way that the Houston Texans play past December.  Really, getting the Rams at home should have been a fucking gift; instead, the Texans turned it into the Christmas tree that burns the house down.  Not only did the Texans lick more taint than Andy Dick in a Turkish bath house, they did so in a stadium and in front of a crowd meant to scare the shit out of opposing teams.   The  Texans looked uninspired, uncaring, and unworthy of January football.  Right now, we are calling the Texans will not make playoffs; you have to remember that it only took us both six weeks to bail on the team we had in the Super Bowl from the AFC. The only question really left in Houston is this the year finally the one which ends with the “Koob” getting fired.

Minnesota Vikings:

The horror that is the Vikings’ season really could be all 856 of those Friday the 13th movies. Just when you think it’s over, just when the sheriff shows up at the lakeside cabin and empties his 12-gauge through the face mask of the slasher, the killer pops back up, rips the sheriff’s face off and the horror continues. Put hockey masks on whichever heap the Vikings are trotting out as a quarterback and the concept becomes as clear as used Neutrogena.

Not only was getting slam-fucked by the Panthers the worst showing of this ghastly Vikings’ season so far, but let’s talk about the really scary question we won’t dare mention. Suffice it to say that we know Christian Ponder was not the answer. Matt Cassel is not the answer, and if anybody thinks Josh Freeman is the answer, this unmentionable question will keep coming back to life like the horror movie slasher.

There’s actually a simple reason for this.  Instead of putting the slasher through a wood-chipper and setting the bits on fire, the Vikings continually think they can solve the problem by giving the killer a shaving nick, then going back into the cabin to the naked, horny teen-agers who get machetes through their eyeballs. Josh Freeman is just another in a long line of shaving nicks that have finally bled the Vikings out.

3) Week Six proved to be the Bye Week for Offenses

Just look at all the teams who had offensive performances like watching a blind seal work a Rubik’s Cube…

Houston Texans: The progression from Matt Schaub to T.J. Yates is like going from HIV to full-blown AIDS (Yes, that’s the second AIDS joke we’ve made. Go dig up Ryan White and cry to him if you don’t like it).

Oakland Raiders: To make our “blind seal” analogy work for the Raiders, the seal is not only blind, but is wearing boxing gloves and it’s flipper’s are loaded with pharmacuetical-grade cocaine.

Minnesota Vikings: Time for this week’s “Fun with Homophones” moment.  The Vikings are describing their offensive situation as being “week to week,” largely because that’s really what their quarterback situation is all about. But, it really could also be called “weak to weak.”

Tennessee Titans: One of several teams with exactly zero offensive touchdowns.  Their only touchdown came from the Seahawks’ decision to have a “Garo Yepremien” moment.  Only touchdown was a result of a single play that was botched from the get go.

Pittsburgh Steelers: See above, with the difference being Pittsburgh’s only touchdown came from a play that came off the chalkboard broken. Sure, the Steelers won, but beating the Geno Smith-led Jets is really just getting a ribbon at the Special Olympics.  Honestly, the only time the Steelers looked good in the air was on a single play where the Jets’ coverage was worse than CNN’s quadrennial election special.  What we’re saying is even Wolf Blitzer could play man coverage against the Steelers and he wouldn’t even need to change his Fruit of the Looms. 

New York Jets: Geno Smith is just a fetal Josh Freeman. Next…

Washington Redskins: We said this last week, and we’ll say it again. The “read-option” concept without the threat of a running game is about as dangerous as a girl scout with rubber numchucks.  A while ago, J-Dub did a piece chronicling the connection between the Washington Redskins and Andre the Giant.  If the Redskins don’t figure out their lack of offensive prowess soon, Robert Griffin III might start looking more like Andre Ware. 

4) Joe Flacco Is Being Reduced to $120 million Plankton

Everybody is just eating Joe Flacco up, especially large marine filter-feeders. The man who rolled through the play-offs last year like an apex-predator shark has now been reduced to microscopic plankton the the seas of the NFL. sure, he showed a flash of the Flacco of old yesterday with that two-touchdown comeback in the 4th quarter quarter against the Packers, but the fact he and the Ravens came up short has been a microcosm of the Baltimore season, especially since Flacco started doing those god-awful McDonald’s commercials.

The Ravens offense, led by Flacco, has been as impotent as Wilford Brimley chuffing anti-Viagra; we all saw it Sunday against the Clay Matthews-less Packers.  Baltimore didn’t get a first rushing first down until the end of the third quarter, and they still should have won this game because the defense was handing out more knee damage than the baseball-bat scene at the end of Casino.  The failings of the Ravens so far this season is all about Flacco.

5) The whole “Tom Brady/Peyton Manning” conversation is ridiculous, because Brady can win when it matters.

As a “big game” quarterback, Tom Brady is now, and will always be better than Peyton Manning.  Sunday was just the latest example why. And Sunday we saw exactly why. When 98% of guys who’ve started at quarterback in the NFL  since the mid-1980s would have hung their head and declared the moment a loss, especially after that bizarre Bill Belichick 4th-down call that should have lost the game for  New England, and after the Patriots’ most experienced wide receiver got hurt, Brady gutted up and led the shell of the Patriots’ on a game-winning drive over a legitimate Super Bowl contender in the New Orleans Saints.

Meanwhile, Peyton Manning went out and stumbled through an ugly win against an even uglier team in Jacksonville. It was obvious during large stretches during that Bronco-Jaguar game that Manning was mailing this one in, particularly when he gift-wrapped that pick-six to Jacksonville linebacker Paul Pozlusny. While we could, we won’t bore you with yet another rundown of Peyton Manning’s “big-game” failures. Instead, let’s just look at the moments of truth we saw on Sunday.

Peyton Manning looked pretty mediocre against a team of NFL rejects, all while he has an offense stocked with weapons suited to his liking; meanwhile Brady has an offense made from a slightly-better class of NFL rejects whom are 5-1 largely for no other fucking reason than Tom Brady. But the biggest moment came in the 4th quarter in New England, when not only did Brady pull out the most-improbable of victories, he did so after throwing one of the most hair-brained and confusing picks you’ll ever see leave his fingertips.  Brady is headed to the Hall of Fame based on his ability to be a big man in big situations, even if his team has done a wonderful job of failing him in the past few years.

Now, having said that, it is important to point out the Patriots may easily be the worst 5-1 team we’ve ever seen, and we sure as shit understand there are a ton of haters out who want to jump all over the Patriots, and to many of you, we have this to say…

6) There are far too many Patriots’ fans who are stupid Yuppie fuckwads who prematurely bailed on this team.

Gillette Stadium in the 4th quarter.

What happened yesterday in Gillette Stadium proves what J-Dub said about a lot of Patriot fans a long time ago.  The fact the tens of thousands of “Patriots Fans” heard Brady’s comeback drive on their car radios is an absolute fucking disgrace.  The “wine and cheese” crowd in Foxboro decided “beating traffic” was more important that hanging around for the outcome of a game that could prove pivotal in New England’s entire season.  Yeah, we get they may be the worst 5-1 team ever, but the fact remains they are still 5-1.  Considering the fact the Patriots were within a score of winning against a Super Bowl contender, and that the Broncos are going to lose eventually means many so-called “Patriot Fans” bailed on a moment which looks to have HUGE play-off implications.

Despite that, they turned their back on a guy that has led them to three Super Bowls; a guy who got the ball back two separate times with a solid chance to win after the “fans” headed for the parking lot.  All you had to do was wait for the obligatory “crowd” shots during that game to see that least half the “crowd” left in the middle of the 4th quarter.  People like this make us here at SBM want to force feed them their own methane gas.

The “I want to beat traffic” people are all useless pieces of shit who shouldn’t even be at sporting events in the first fucking place.  They should all be at home looking up what Cat Stevens changed his name to after he converted to Islam. These are the same assholes who wanted to get out of that parking lot because despite their “hardcore big city mentality” there is a hole in their soul that would widen substantially if somebody were to scratch their Prius. Worse yet, their Dave Matthews Band CD might skip and they might spill some Samuel Adams “Autumn Northeastern Liberal Prick” all over their cargo shorts.

These people are not real fans. These people couldn’t name position players, they’re there because their cousin (who follows the remaining members of Grateful Dead around the country) got tickets. They figured since the dank from Vermont wasn’t coming in until later that night, they might as well go a football game because it would increase the number of times they said “Hell yeah, dude” without getting punched in the throat.

What We Learned From Week Four of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter, you probably also don’t know that every menu item at Denny’s is 40% Soylent Green.

Mmmmmmmmm…Denny’s!

1) The reports of the demise of the San Francisco 49ers might have been a bit premature.

For the entire week leading up to Thursday night, all we heard about was how Colin Kaepernick is not really a good quarterback and how the 49er defense can’t stop anybody with out Aldon Smith.  Yeah, about that…funny, but somehow we stopped hearing that shit come Friday morning.

Clearly, they didn’t need Aldon Smith to beat the sorry-ass Rams, and it’s even more clearly a good thing that Smith’s liver is getting a little “me” time anyway.

As far as the offense was concerned, the lesson learned here was that Colin Kaepernick is not the entire 49er offense. Anquan Boldin rolled through the Ram secondary like a Vicodin through Amy Winehouse, but the real difference was Kaepernick’s ability to rely on Frank Gore, who racked up a rushing average of 7.65 yards per carry.  See, the dirty little secret nobody who keeps talking about “read-option quarterbacks” wants to admit is is that the entire “read-option” concept only works when there’s a running back that keeps defenses worried about the threat of the run. Russell Wilson has Marshawn Lynch, Michael Vick has LeSean McCoy, and Colin Kaepernick has Frank Gore.

What We Learned From Week Two of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.

1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one. 

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good.  When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs.  In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.”  Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes  to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.

If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2.  There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England.  For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview NFC North

The NFC North, otherwise known as the “Black and Blue Division,” has a long history of tough, hard-nosed football. It has a short history of domination by one team. The Green Bay Packers have finished atop of the division three out of the last five seasons. Last season, the Packers rolled to the division title with a 11-5 record. How dominant are the Packers? In 2010, they didn’t win the division, but won a Super Bowl title, defeating the arch-rival Chicago Bears in the NFC Championship game. Here’s a look at how the division should shape up in 2013.

1. Green Bay Packers. 11-5

Additions: Vince Young QB (FA, Buffalo) Eddie Lacy RB (Draft, Alabama) Datone Jones DE (Draft, UCLA)

Subtractions: Jeff Saturday C (Released) Charles Woodson CB, (Released, Signed with Oakland) Greg Jennings WR, (FA, Signed with Minnesota)

The Packers didn’t make that many changes in the offseason, which is a good and bad thing. The positive is that quarterback Aaron Rodgers still leads a high-powered offense, that can score more often than Hugh Hefner in 1975. The negative is that a suspect defense remains intact, despite being exposed by San Francisco in the playoffs last season. The Packers averaged 27 points per game last season, so they know where the end zone is. The problem, especially come playoff time is, keeping the opposition out of their end zone. The Packers conceded 45 points to the 49ers in last year’s playoff loss. The year before against the New York Giants, the Packers gave up 37 points. Green Bay has been fortunate that the rest of the division has yet to step up, so winning the division isn’t the hard part. The question in the land of dairy and milk is, can the Packers get over the hump like they did in 2010? Or is another playoff disaster looming? Head coach Mike McCarthy better figure it out soon, or he could be on the unemployment line faster than Edward Snowden when he returns to the United States.

2. Chicago Bears 9-7

Additions: Martellus Bennett TE, (FA, New York Giants) Jermon Bushrod T, (FA, New Orleans) Steve Maneri TE, (FA, Kansas City) Kyle Long G, (Draft, Oregon) Leonard Pope TE, (FA, Pittsburgh) Trent Edwards QB, (FA, Philadelphia)

Subtractions: Brian Urlacher LB, (retired) Israel Idonije DE (FA, Detroit) Johnny Knox WR/KR, (Released) Kellen Davis TE, (Released) Matt Spaeth TE, (Released)

After a 7-1 start and a playoff berth all but locked up, the Chicago Bears struggled down the stretch and missed the playoffs, despite a 10-6 record. It was enough to cost head coach Lovie Smith his job, and a new ear was ushered in. Marc Trestman takes over the head coaching position, after five very successful seasons with the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes, in which Trestman won two Grey Cups, and four first place finishes. Trestman does have NFL experience, as he was the offensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders, when they went to the Super Bowl, during the 2002 season. (Yes people, the Raiders actually appeared in a Super Bowl. Now get your jaws off the floor.) Trestman is known to be a quarterback guru, and his mission in the Windy City is to turn Jay Cutler into a winner. Cutler has shown signs of brilliance, but has shown more signs of flat-out ugliness, as his 14 interceptions will attest. The defense won’t have Brian Urlacher anymore, as he decided to hang up his cleats, and join FOX television as a studio analyst. It will be up to the likes of Lance Briggs, Julius Peppers and Charles Tillman, to carry on the tradition of a hard-hitting defense that Bears fans crave for. The Bears know how to beat weaker foes, but they must improve on their 2-6 record against playoff bound opponents. If Chicago can’t defeat teams that are ahead of them, it won’t matter if Mike Ditka or Dick Jauron is manning the sidelines.

3. Detroit Lions 7-9

Additions: Reggie Bush RB, (FA, Miami) Israel Idonije DE, (FA, Chicago) Jason Jones DE, (FA, Seattle) David Akers K, (FA, San Francisco) Glover Quin S, (FA, Houston) Ziggy Ansah DE, (Draft, BYU) Rashean Mathis CB, (FA, Jacksonville)

Subtractions: Titus Young WR, (Released) Kyle Vanden Bosch DE, (Released) Stephen Peterman G, (Released, New York Jets) Jason Hansen K, (Retired) Brian Robiskie WR, (Released) Jahvid Best RB, (Released) Jacob Lacey CB, (Released) Lawrence Jackson DE, (Released, Minnesota) Drayton Florence CB, (FA, Carolina)

There is no doubt that the Detroit Lions have talent. However, is the talent being used properly? Or is the talent being guided properly? Head coach Jim Schwartz is on the hot seat and he must make the playoffs, or he will be gone out of Detroit faster than the Edsel. The problem is Schwartz is as intelligent as a Kardashian so expect the Lions to not live up to their potential. Too bad. Calvin Johnson is the best wide receiver in the NFL, and is being wasted on the Lions. Megatron broke the NFL record for most receiving yards in a season. (1,964 yards) Reggie Bush should help the offense, but Matthew Stafford needs to cut down his interceptions. His 17 picks were damaging to the Lions and he drastically needs to reduce that number by half. The defense should be improved, thanks to the additions of Israel Idonije and first round pick Ziggy Ansah. But as long as Schwartz continues to be the dumb ass we all love to hate, the Lions will spend another year in mediocrity.

4. Minnesota Vikings 5-11

Additions: Greg Jennings WR, (FA, Green Bay) Matt Cassel QB, (FA, Kansas City) Sharrif Floyd DT, (Draft, Florida) Desmond Bishop LB, (FA, Green Bay) Seth Olsen G, (FA, Indianapolis) Lawrence Jackson DE, (FA, Detroit)

Subtractions: Percy Harvin WR, (Trade, Seattle) Antoine Winfield CB, (Released, Seattle) Michael Jenkins WR, (Released) Chris Kluwe P, (Released, Oakland)

The Minnesota Vikings are Adrian Peterson, and not much else. OK that isn’t entirely true but pretty damn close. Peterson was amazing in 2012, rushing for 2,097 yards, just eight yards short of the all-time single season record. This, after coming off reconstructive knee surgery! So yes, Adrian Peterson is a great football player. But what else do the Vikings have? Christian Ponder? I don’t trust him to take care of my pet goldfish, let alone lead an NFL offense. (I don’t have a pet goldfish but if I did, I wouldn’t trust Ponder to feed it every day.) The receivers? Greg Jennings will help, but he will realize very soon that Ponder is not Aaron Rodgers. Jerome Simpson is OK, but he won’t make anyone in the Twin Cities think he’s the next Cris Carter. Or Randy Moss. Or Anthony Carter. The Vikings are so desperate at receiver, they’re trying former quarterback Joe Webb as a wideout. Granted, Webb couldn’t throw a football, so maybe he can catch one. The defense is OK, but getting old. How long can Jared Allen, Kevin Williams and Chad Greenway last before their aging bodies finally give way? The Vikings were very lucky to make the playoffs last season. Don’t expect a repeat in 2013.

You can follow me on Twitter @jstar1973

NFL Free Agent Extravaganza (In GIFs!)

Over the next couple days, the NFL will go bananas. Hundreds of players will be signed. Even more will get cut. And like every year, teams will sign players to REALLY bad contracts. Like any sport, the NFL is about money. Free Agency isn’t about outbidding other teams to scoop up the best players. It’s about finding bargains. The value that a guy brings to your team should always be equal or greater to what you’re paying him. For instance, JaMarcus Russell sucks. But I’d sign him in a second if he was willing to accept a one year, $200 stipend. (Which the NFL might allow since, you know, JaMarcus Russell) It’s all about value.

So let’s dive into it. Who’s signing who? Who’s been cut? Who’s been traded? And most importantly, what GIF will I use to describe the biggest transactions? Find out here!

I originally wanted to do this all in one page but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. So I’ll be posting each story individually as I go along.

Vikings trade Percy Harvin to the Seahawks for draft picks

Ravens Trade Anquan Boldin to the 49ers

Detroit Lions Sign Reggie Bush

Cleveland Browns Sign Paul Kruger

Denver Broncos Sign Wes Welker

Chicago Bears Sign Martellus Bennett and Jermon Bushrod 

Miami Dolphins Sign Mike Wallace 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Sign Deshon Goldson 

New England Patriots Sign Danny Amendola 

Update 3/14:

Matt Cassel, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Kevin Kolb Get Cut 

Atlanta Falcons Sign Steven Jackson 

Update 3/16:

Minnesota Vikings Sign Greg Jennings

Update 3/18:

St. Louis Rams Sign Jake Long

I will update this page with each new big-name free agent signing. Check back later!

Continue to Coach’s Rant for all the free agent coverage ->>

A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table on the NFL Draft – The “Manning Effect”

If you aren’t familiar with our Ex-Kicker’s Round Table, you can see their biographies here. The long story short is that here at Sports Blog Movement, we have retained this group of ex-Kickers as our own sporting version of the McLaughlin Group. With the NFL Draft approaching, we noticed that each member of our group just happens to be from a team who has some interesting choices to make when the draft rolls around in a few months.

As we said in the last installment of the Ex-Kicker’s Round Table,  SBM’s moderator of this group lives in Indiana where the Colts are easily the biggest story of all in this draft.  Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know the Colts dropped a bomb (albeit an expected one) on the draft/free agency market when they released Peyton Manning this past week. While that story has been seriously over-covered, what is not being said is how this move effects almost every other team in the league.

A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table – Introducing a New Take on NFL Draft Coverage

If you aren’t familiar with our Ex-Kicker’s Round Table, you can see their biographies here. The long story short is that here at Sports Blog Movement, we have retained this group of ex-Kickers as our own sporting version of the McLaughlin Group. With the NFL Draft approaching, we noticed that each member of our group just happens to be from a team who has some interesting choices to make when the draft rolls around in a few months. We thought it might not be a bad idea to use those connections to offer some in-depth draft coverage on those teams. Not only that, but SBM’s moderator of this group, our very own J-Dub, lives in Indiana where the Colts are easily the biggest story of all in this draft.

Ex-Kicker: Ali Haji-Shiekh

Team He Is Covering: New York Giants

What They Need: Running Back, Linebacker

The Initial Assessment: The Giants have the thirty-second overall pick in the first round

J-Dub happens to believe Robert Turbin is the sleeper pick of the draft. J-Dub also drinks enough bourbon to float a battleship. This guy may very well be a sleeper, but there’s no way the Giants take him at this pick. If he’s still around in the third round, then maybe. As crazy as it seems, I think the G-men are going to draft to their strength, which means they take Andre Branch, DE/OLB from Clemson. Don’t forget, people thought taking Mathias Kiwinuka and Jean-Pierre Paul when they did was crazy too, and that seemed to work out just fine. Also, don’t forget that Osi Umeniyora could very well find himself traded before draft day, the Giants could use help at linebacker, and Jerry Reese has a history of not reaching for a guy in early rounds to fill needs. Branch shows outstanding speed and natural athleticism, and the fact he can play either DE or OLB offers versatility that defensive coordinator Perry Fewell loves.

Ex-Kicker: Rick Danmeier

Team He Is Covering: Minnesota Vikings

What They Need: Offensive Line, Defense in General

The Initial Assessment: The Vikings have the 3rd overall pick in the first-round

I reckon J-Dub already said this, and I agree if that Matt Kalil feller is still on the board at #3, the Vikings have to take him. Trouble is that a blue-ribbon hog like that ain’t gonna last until 3rd pick. As much as the Vikings need some big boys up front, there just ain’t another prize hog to take at this high of a pick. This is why I reckon the Vikings wilkl go defense, because they sucked ditch water there too. Here’s some stats that didn’t come from this weeks’ farm report.

The Vikings’ defense allowed gave up 251.2 yards per game last season.  They also allowed opposing QBs to complete 68.2% of their passes, and only snagged 8 interceptions. I figure the Vikings take Morris Claiborne, the cornerback from LSU. The trouble is that while the Vikings have a league-leading pass rush (50 sacks last season), they still can’t defend the pass, which is why it makes sense to me to take the best corner in this here draft.

I also figure even though the offense runs like an inbred mule after it got into Uncle Burford’s corn-mash still, they somehow managed to finish 19th in the league in points per game scored, which put them ahead of two playoff teams, and that was with a rookie quarterback after gettin’ rid of that McNabb feller, and an offensive line that couldn’t push a feed trough. To me, that means you can deal with that problem later on down this draft.

Ex-Kicker: Donald Igwebuike

Team He Is Covering: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

What They Need: More Weapons on Offense

The Initial Assessment: The Buccaneers have the fifth overall pick in the first round

The first-round for the Buccaneers is straight-forward, fool! Justin Blackmon or Trent Richardson. Whichever one is left on the board, that’s who the Bucs take. That offense needs more than Josh Freeman and LeGarrette Blount. Like gold chains, you can never have enough offensive weapons.

Ex-Kicker: Efren Herrera

Team He Is Covering: Dallas Cowboys

What They Need: Offensive Line, Quarterback, Defensive Secondary

The Initial Assessment: The Cowboys have the fourteenth overall pick in the first round

Ay, Los Cowboys got plenty of money under that gringo salary cap, so you can bet that pendejo Jerry Jones will go get some hired guns on the free-agent market. This is why I think they will take Dre Kirkpatrick, the defensive back from Alabama. I know he’s muy loco in the cabeza, but that hombre brings  size, speed, and he’s not afraid to tackle…these are things you don’t see in corners very often. Plus, Terence Newman is an old war horse, I think Los Cowboys will have to shoot…I mean release him to get out from under that 8 million salary.

Ex-Kicker: Uwe von Schamann

Team He Is Covering: Miami Dolphins

What They Need: Quarterback, Running Back, Defensive Help

The Initial Assessment: The Dolphins have the eighth overall pick in the first round

While it is true mein Dolphins have just hired an offensive coordinator as head coach, they have no offensive weapons. We made this same mistake at Normandy when we placed Rommel, a gifted offensive leader, in command of a defensive battle. Field Marshal Joe Philbin is no Rommel, but he is no dumbkopf either. He understands this team will need to improve its defensive capabilities at firsts; he is moving from the Maginot-like 3-4 to a more Ziegfried-like 4-3.  Expect the Dolphins to take Quinton Coples, the über-mann defensive end from North Carolina. At the Senior Bowl, he sliced through blockers like von Schlieffen went through Belgium. Matching him with Cameron wake give the Dolphins the ability to blitzkrieg the enemy rear areas. If the Dolphins get Coples, I expect our rematch with Stalingrad will have quite a different ending.

Moderator: J-Dub

Team He Is Covering: Indianapolis Colts

What They Need: Pretty Much Everything

The Initial Assessment: The Colts have the first overall pick in the first round

This is the biggest “no-brainer” in this draft. The Manning era in Indianapolis is over, and this is the Colts’ best opportunity to turn the page. It’s time to release Manning, draft Luck, and build for the future.

The big trouble with this situation is there is so much smoke to cut through before you can even see the fire. First off, there’s the medical drama “As The Neckbone Turns,” in which every day brings another rail car full of speculation as to Peyton Manning’s real status.

Then there’s the matter of what the Colts will do with this pick. Forget the trade talk, forget the Robert Griffin III talk; the Colts will take Andrew Luck or a civil war may break out in Indiana. Hoosiers from far and wide will arm themselves with torches and pitchfork and storm Jim Irsay’s house. Short of that, all this talk of doing anything other than drafting Luck is all another smoke-screen designed to get every other team in the league to waste time and effort screwing around in a never-ending “what if” game with their own draft boards.

The real key to what the post-Manning era in Indianapolis will be in the later rounds of this draft. Do the Colts employ a new philosophy in a post-Manning which includes a bigger emphasis on defense? Do they try to build a running game to help out their franchise quarterback? Or do they decide to control the line of scrimmage on one or both sides of the ball? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world will have to wait for April to know.

Stay tuned to Sports Blog Movement as we approach draft day. The Ex-Kickers will be updating as events dictate!

–  J-Dub

It’s Peyton’s Choice

Peyton Manning is a man. He can make his own decisions and no one else should be telling him otherwise. As much everyone thinks they know what is best for Peyton Manning, they don’t.

Manning is coming off reportedly 4 separate neck surgeries in the past 2 years according to Don Banks of SI.com. According to his birth certificate, Peyton will be 36 by the time the 2012 NFL season rolls around. He has played 13 seasons in the NFL according to his stats page on NFL.com.

A lot of people talk about legacy. Brett Favre apparently had his tarnished.

Apparently, Peyton Manning could end up doing the same thing.

Nonsense.

Peyton Manning can do what he wants.

The tarnishing of the infamous legacy is one of the most absurd concepts in professional sports. People illogically believe that it is in duty to protect an athlete’s so-called legacy. There is this idea that one should stop playing before the inevitable decline of father time or injuries take their toll on that person, making them unable to perform close to the level that fans are used to. Rumour has it that continuing to play past this point of substantial decline or even just the possibility of playing past that point is grounds for tarnishing of the legacy.

For some reason, it is engrained in sports culture that what you do late in your career can take away from the things that happened in the prime of your career. The thing is, this George Costanza idea of going out on a high note really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Last time I checked, you can’t erase what’s written in the history books. That stuff is down in permanent marker, you know, the TO kind of sharpie. But more importantly, the decision of whether or not to keep playing really shouldn’t come down to legacy at all.

Brett Favre still wanted to play. Peyton Manning wants to as well.

Who are we to try and tell these guys what to do? This isn’t our life. We aren’t their mothers.

They should be able to play as long as they want. If there is someone out there that is willing to pay them money to play the game that they love, then by all means they can choose to carry on with their careers. If playing is what the heart desires, the barrier stopping that from happening should be a Donovan McNabb situation. McNabb isn’t close to the level of Manning or Favre, but there came a time this past year when no was willing to pay McNabb to play football. Hey buddy, now it’s time to retire.

As weird as it was for fans to see Johnny Unitas in a Chargers uniform or Warren Moon in a Chiefs uniform, the far from fairy-tale endings to their careers have done next to nothing to skew the way they have been remembered.

Of course, not that it matters anyways.

Michael Jordan said that he wanted to go out on his own terms. He did that when he tried his hand at professional baseball. He did that when he played 2 seasons for the Washington Wizards. Michael Jordan did what he wanted to and has probably left the game happier because of it.

Regret is one of the worst feelings in life. I’m young. At 20 years old, I almost certainly don’t understand what real regret is. Nevertheless, it can’t be easy for a professional athlete to live the next 50 years of his life and know that he had more to give to the game. To walk away from the only identity and livelihood you have ever known is undoubtedly a scary thing. It’s scarier to think about when you know that there’s more left in the tank.

Brett Favre became one of the most repulsive athletes for his multiple pseudo-retirements. However, when you reflect back to his magical season at the age of 40 in Minnesota, you can’t help but think it was all worth it. Again, what I think doesn’t really matter. It’s what Brett thinks. I bet he would be the first to tell you that having one of the most improbable, unpredictable and captivating seasons in sports history made it all worth it.

If he had listened to what everyone was saying, we would never have seen what Brett Favre had in store for us that season.

Peyton Manning is barely a year removed from being on top of the NFL mountain. If he wishes to return to the NFL, most likely not in a Colts uniform, then he should do so. If not, he can walk away from the game as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.

He has to do it on his terms though.

Follow Chris Ross on twitter @paintstheblack and check out his personal blog Painting the Black