SBM Exclusive: Sports Doppelgangers, Volume 54 – The Super Bowl XLVIII Edition

Super Sunday is full of look-alikes. Here’s just a few of what we think are the best.

Ironically the smallest amount of resemblance belong to the largest men on this list, as in Broncos offensive lineman Zane Beadles, who really could be the reincarnation of the late funnyman John Candy.

 

Then, there’s Seahawks corner back Richard Sherman and rapper Busta Rhymes, who both specialize in making a lot of noise.

Even the quarterbacks are in on the look-alike action, as in Seattle signal-caller Russell Wilson and star of the HBO series “The Wire” Tristan Wilds.

 

Then, there’s 5-time MVP Peyton Manning, who bears an eerie resemblance to the 1953 American League MVP, Cleveland Indians’ slugger Al Rosen.

 

 

Did Anybody Happen To Notice Jim Irsay Was Right? P.S. Tony Dungy Has His Head Up His Ass

For all the media-generated bluster that has happened today over Indianapolis Colts’ owner Jim Irsay’s comments about his former quarterback, one thing that has bee largely forgotten is that everything Irsay said is true.  In case you missed it, here’s what he said in an interview with USA Today Sports. The context is Irsay is lamenting the fact the Colts had only one title to show for all their success with Peyton Manning.

“[Tom] Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these [Super Bowl rings],” Irsay told USA Today. Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated. You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the ‘Star Wars’ numbers from Peyton and Marvin [Harrison] and Reggie [Wayne]. Mostly, you love this ring.”

So, what Irsay is saying is a) the NFL is all about winning Super Bowls, and b) Peyton Manning is a horse-shit “big-game” quarterback.

Don’t even try to tell me that the first one isn’t true. Winning a Super Bowl is like becoming a Yokozuna in Sumo Wrestling. Once you have teh ring, you are always a grand champion and no matter what, they can never take it away from you. The fact that Tony Dungy has one is the only reason anybody bothers to listen to the crap spewing from that little bat-faced, moralizing asswipe. I’ll come back to him in a minute.

You can try to deny the second point is untrue; doing so is to ignore a few crushing facts.

• FACT: In three years at Tennessee, Peyton Manning never beat main rival Florida.
• FACT: Peyton Manning owns a 9-11 playoff record as a starting quarterback.
• FACT: In 8 of Manning’s 12 career playoff appearances, his team has failed to win a single game.
• FACT: Manning is tied with Brett Favre for the most playoff losses by a starting quarterback in NFL history

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What We Learned From Week Six of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Mike Greemberg and Mike Golic, you probably also don’t know that Alfred Kinsey, author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), had a collection of 5 million wasps and could insert a toothbrush into his penis, bristle-end first.

You know that bit of knowledge just changed your life. Now, here’s some football facts that will do the same.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit last week, and it’s already time to mail out some death certificates.

New York Giants:

• Cause of Death: Chronic Turnover Syndrome
• Autopsy Report:  After eight interceptions in the fourth quarters of the first six games, Eli Manning is once again reduced to being the one in the family who’s going through a rough stretch.  This has caused Eli and the Giants to let their injuries absolutely destroy their chances of being successful.  The 2012-2013 New York Giants season has become the longest tip drill in history.

Jacksonville Jaguars:

• Cause of Death:  Self-inflicted gunshot wound to genital area
• Autopsy Report:  Even when it appeared that they were hanging with a good team, the Jaguars proved that they have no real firepower, except when it comes to shooting themselves.

Atlanta Falcons:

• Cause of Death:  Burst rectum from repeated anal rape with a sharp object
• Autopsy Report: The Falcons training center is starting to look like Jonestown 15 minutes after they made the Kool-Aid.  With the popularity of companies using temp services to provide labor for their short-term needs combined with the fact the Falcons are blowing out their knees putting on their shoes, the Atlanta Falcons medical staff now employs 15% of the U.S. population.

Oakland Raiders:

• Cause of Death: Hit by a semi loaded with flaming double-edged razor blades
• Autopsy Report: The fact that their two “best” receivers are Denarius Moore and Rod Streater means the offense ranks 27th in passing.  That translates to  gets you 7 fucking points a game if they are lucky.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

• Cause Of Death: Acute Schiano-itis
• Autopsy Report: Forget about the fact this team has more problems with MRSA than John Holmes had with AIDS.  Do we really need to do an autopsy on a team that has gone 0-3 at home and probably couldn’t beat the Jaguars right now.

Pittsburgh Steelers:

• Cause of Death: Old Age
• Autopsy Report:  Most likely available on the entire server Drunkathlete.com has allocated to Ben Roethlisberger. Sure, that’s not new stuff, but losing means all your foibles get rehashed by bloggers who do little more than eat Hot Pockets and masturbate to pictures of Linda Cohn. This death is even stranger from a franchise that both has no sense of urgency and usually doesn’t put up with this kind of shit.

2) Teams that Dropped to the Critical List:

Houston Texans:

We know, we know…There’s still ten games left in the season, and a lot can happen in that time, but let’s not kid anybody here.  This team is one re-run of Grey’s Anatomy away from a dirt nap.  There is no conceivable way that the Houston Texans play past December.  Really, getting the Rams at home should have been a fucking gift; instead, the Texans turned it into the Christmas tree that burns the house down.  Not only did the Texans lick more taint than Andy Dick in a Turkish bath house, they did so in a stadium and in front of a crowd meant to scare the shit out of opposing teams.   The  Texans looked uninspired, uncaring, and unworthy of January football.  Right now, we are calling the Texans will not make playoffs; you have to remember that it only took us both six weeks to bail on the team we had in the Super Bowl from the AFC. The only question really left in Houston is this the year finally the one which ends with the “Koob” getting fired.

Minnesota Vikings:

The horror that is the Vikings’ season really could be all 856 of those Friday the 13th movies. Just when you think it’s over, just when the sheriff shows up at the lakeside cabin and empties his 12-gauge through the face mask of the slasher, the killer pops back up, rips the sheriff’s face off and the horror continues. Put hockey masks on whichever heap the Vikings are trotting out as a quarterback and the concept becomes as clear as used Neutrogena.

Not only was getting slam-fucked by the Panthers the worst showing of this ghastly Vikings’ season so far, but let’s talk about the really scary question we won’t dare mention. Suffice it to say that we know Christian Ponder was not the answer. Matt Cassel is not the answer, and if anybody thinks Josh Freeman is the answer, this unmentionable question will keep coming back to life like the horror movie slasher.

There’s actually a simple reason for this.  Instead of putting the slasher through a wood-chipper and setting the bits on fire, the Vikings continually think they can solve the problem by giving the killer a shaving nick, then going back into the cabin to the naked, horny teen-agers who get machetes through their eyeballs. Josh Freeman is just another in a long line of shaving nicks that have finally bled the Vikings out.

3) Week Six proved to be the Bye Week for Offenses

Just look at all the teams who had offensive performances like watching a blind seal work a Rubik’s Cube…

Houston Texans: The progression from Matt Schaub to T.J. Yates is like going from HIV to full-blown AIDS (Yes, that’s the second AIDS joke we’ve made. Go dig up Ryan White and cry to him if you don’t like it).

Oakland Raiders: To make our “blind seal” analogy work for the Raiders, the seal is not only blind, but is wearing boxing gloves and it’s flipper’s are loaded with pharmacuetical-grade cocaine.

Minnesota Vikings: Time for this week’s “Fun with Homophones” moment.  The Vikings are describing their offensive situation as being “week to week,” largely because that’s really what their quarterback situation is all about. But, it really could also be called “weak to weak.”

Tennessee Titans: One of several teams with exactly zero offensive touchdowns.  Their only touchdown came from the Seahawks’ decision to have a “Garo Yepremien” moment.  Only touchdown was a result of a single play that was botched from the get go.

Pittsburgh Steelers: See above, with the difference being Pittsburgh’s only touchdown came from a play that came off the chalkboard broken. Sure, the Steelers won, but beating the Geno Smith-led Jets is really just getting a ribbon at the Special Olympics.  Honestly, the only time the Steelers looked good in the air was on a single play where the Jets’ coverage was worse than CNN’s quadrennial election special.  What we’re saying is even Wolf Blitzer could play man coverage against the Steelers and he wouldn’t even need to change his Fruit of the Looms. 

New York Jets: Geno Smith is just a fetal Josh Freeman. Next…

Washington Redskins: We said this last week, and we’ll say it again. The “read-option” concept without the threat of a running game is about as dangerous as a girl scout with rubber numchucks.  A while ago, J-Dub did a piece chronicling the connection between the Washington Redskins and Andre the Giant.  If the Redskins don’t figure out their lack of offensive prowess soon, Robert Griffin III might start looking more like Andre Ware. 

4) Joe Flacco Is Being Reduced to $120 million Plankton

Everybody is just eating Joe Flacco up, especially large marine filter-feeders. The man who rolled through the play-offs last year like an apex-predator shark has now been reduced to microscopic plankton the the seas of the NFL. sure, he showed a flash of the Flacco of old yesterday with that two-touchdown comeback in the 4th quarter quarter against the Packers, but the fact he and the Ravens came up short has been a microcosm of the Baltimore season, especially since Flacco started doing those god-awful McDonald’s commercials.

The Ravens offense, led by Flacco, has been as impotent as Wilford Brimley chuffing anti-Viagra; we all saw it Sunday against the Clay Matthews-less Packers.  Baltimore didn’t get a first rushing first down until the end of the third quarter, and they still should have won this game because the defense was handing out more knee damage than the baseball-bat scene at the end of Casino.  The failings of the Ravens so far this season is all about Flacco.

5) The whole “Tom Brady/Peyton Manning” conversation is ridiculous, because Brady can win when it matters.

As a “big game” quarterback, Tom Brady is now, and will always be better than Peyton Manning.  Sunday was just the latest example why. And Sunday we saw exactly why. When 98% of guys who’ve started at quarterback in the NFL  since the mid-1980s would have hung their head and declared the moment a loss, especially after that bizarre Bill Belichick 4th-down call that should have lost the game for  New England, and after the Patriots’ most experienced wide receiver got hurt, Brady gutted up and led the shell of the Patriots’ on a game-winning drive over a legitimate Super Bowl contender in the New Orleans Saints.

Meanwhile, Peyton Manning went out and stumbled through an ugly win against an even uglier team in Jacksonville. It was obvious during large stretches during that Bronco-Jaguar game that Manning was mailing this one in, particularly when he gift-wrapped that pick-six to Jacksonville linebacker Paul Pozlusny. While we could, we won’t bore you with yet another rundown of Peyton Manning’s “big-game” failures. Instead, let’s just look at the moments of truth we saw on Sunday.

Peyton Manning looked pretty mediocre against a team of NFL rejects, all while he has an offense stocked with weapons suited to his liking; meanwhile Brady has an offense made from a slightly-better class of NFL rejects whom are 5-1 largely for no other fucking reason than Tom Brady. But the biggest moment came in the 4th quarter in New England, when not only did Brady pull out the most-improbable of victories, he did so after throwing one of the most hair-brained and confusing picks you’ll ever see leave his fingertips.  Brady is headed to the Hall of Fame based on his ability to be a big man in big situations, even if his team has done a wonderful job of failing him in the past few years.

Now, having said that, it is important to point out the Patriots may easily be the worst 5-1 team we’ve ever seen, and we sure as shit understand there are a ton of haters out who want to jump all over the Patriots, and to many of you, we have this to say…

6) There are far too many Patriots’ fans who are stupid Yuppie fuckwads who prematurely bailed on this team.

Gillette Stadium in the 4th quarter.

What happened yesterday in Gillette Stadium proves what J-Dub said about a lot of Patriot fans a long time ago.  The fact the tens of thousands of “Patriots Fans” heard Brady’s comeback drive on their car radios is an absolute fucking disgrace.  The “wine and cheese” crowd in Foxboro decided “beating traffic” was more important that hanging around for the outcome of a game that could prove pivotal in New England’s entire season.  Yeah, we get they may be the worst 5-1 team ever, but the fact remains they are still 5-1.  Considering the fact the Patriots were within a score of winning against a Super Bowl contender, and that the Broncos are going to lose eventually means many so-called “Patriot Fans” bailed on a moment which looks to have HUGE play-off implications.

Despite that, they turned their back on a guy that has led them to three Super Bowls; a guy who got the ball back two separate times with a solid chance to win after the “fans” headed for the parking lot.  All you had to do was wait for the obligatory “crowd” shots during that game to see that least half the “crowd” left in the middle of the 4th quarter.  People like this make us here at SBM want to force feed them their own methane gas.

The “I want to beat traffic” people are all useless pieces of shit who shouldn’t even be at sporting events in the first fucking place.  They should all be at home looking up what Cat Stevens changed his name to after he converted to Islam. These are the same assholes who wanted to get out of that parking lot because despite their “hardcore big city mentality” there is a hole in their soul that would widen substantially if somebody were to scratch their Prius. Worse yet, their Dave Matthews Band CD might skip and they might spill some Samuel Adams “Autumn Northeastern Liberal Prick” all over their cargo shorts.

These people are not real fans. These people couldn’t name position players, they’re there because their cousin (who follows the remaining members of Grateful Dead around the country) got tickets. They figured since the dank from Vermont wasn’t coming in until later that night, they might as well go a football game because it would increase the number of times they said “Hell yeah, dude” without getting punched in the throat.

What We Learned From Week Two of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.

1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one. 

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good.  When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs.  In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.”  Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes  to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.

If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2.  There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England.  For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.

What We Learned From Week One of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Without any further fanfare, let’s just get to the stuff week one of the NFL season showed us.

1) Peyton Manning’s performance hid the fact the Broncos’ defense sucks.

If Thursday night taught us anything, it’s that the Broncos are indeed going to struggle on the defensive side of the ball.  By “struggle,” we’re talking something akin to a turtle on its back getting gang-raped by a group of Hell’s Angels all to an all Kenny G soundtrack. If you consider all of the mistakes that Baltimore made offensively, the fact that Denver gave up 27 points is pretty pathetic.  Ray Rice is a pretty solid “yards after contact” guy, but against the Ponies defense, he got more second chances than Robert Downey Jr.

Not to mention, we aren’t even counting the mistake made on the interception return that by all that is right in the football universe should have resulted in yet another Broncos’ touchdown. This is where Danny Trevathan had a “Honey Badger meets DeSean Jackson” level brain-fart. After making the pick, and cruising to what should have been the “pick-six” part of this, he inexplicably released the ball before he crossed the goal line in a momentary lapse of judgment reminiscent of a young DeSean Jackson.  As you would hope, Denver defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio ripped Trevathan’s ass open like he was Edward Norton in the prison shower scene in American History X, because Denver can’t expect Grandpa Manning to chuck 7 touchdowns every week.   

Besides, expecting Fetushead Manning to bail you out on a weekly basis is a reasonably solid plan in the regular season, it’s going to kill Denver in the play-offs.  Given the past history, Manning will get you a shit-load of wins between September and  December, but in January he becomes as dependable as a nine dollar cell phone. The problem is that after Thursday, Bronco Nation is “all in” on that phone you wouldn’t trust your grandmother’s life with; they now expect that every time the elder Manning brother steps onto the field, he is going to throw more successful scoring passes than a 1970’s Warren Beatty with a sugar bowl full of coke.  This will prove to be like expecting Wendy’s employee to give a lecture on nuclear fission in between the time it takes after you’ve consumed an entire a double Baconator combo meal with extra cheese and mayonnaise and when you regain consciousness staring up at the paramedics.

A championship-level NFL defense is supposed to dominate opposing offenses like the Red Army rolled through Prague in 1968.  Without Von Miller until week 7, and with no real replacement for Elvis Dumervil, the Bronco idea of defense is a bit like Saddam Hussein promising the “Mother of all Battles” while rolling out to meet the U.S. Marine Corps with a half-dozen Buick LeSabres.  To keep the military analogies going, the Ravens played the role of France as they let der grüppenfuhrer  Manning goose-step down the Champs-Elyseés while they were busy worrying about how to properly stomp the wine grapes.

But not everybody is going to lay down for the Blitzkrieg like Baltimore did.  To win in January, eventually this Bronco defense is going to have to show it can stop somebody.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview: AFC West

What’s up kids? I’m here to talk to you about the AFC West!

This might just be the worst division in the NFL.  Take away the Denver Broncos and you’re left with a fat sack of bad. It wasn’t always so. The Chargers were once a perennial 10+ win team. Believe it or not, of the four teams, the Raiders have the most divisional championships. The Chiefs use to be… well on second thought, the Chiefs were always terrible. This division is sure to be a train wreck. One that you’ll get to witness mid-afternoons on CBS (because you know, these teams are too cool to start their games at 12 PM Central Time like everyone else.)

1. Denver Broncos (13-3)

Additions: WR Wes Welker (NE), RB Monte Ball (Draft), C Dan Koppen (NE)

Losses: RB Willis Mcgahee, OLB Elvis Dumervil

Let’s face it, the Broncos have Peyton Manning. Ergo, the Broncos will win a lot of games. Their biggest strength lies in their passing game. Manning has a ridiculous amount of weapons at his disposal in Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker and Wes Welker. Their Running Back situation is in flux but it won’t really matter. No team in their right mind will load the box against Peyton Manning. A one-legged Chimpanzee could play Running Back for the Broncos and end up with a 700 yard season.

Defensively, the loss of Von Miller for the first six games will certainly hurt. Without Miller who had 18.5 sacks last season, the next best pass rusher on the team is Derek Wolfe with a meager 6.0 sacks. Elvis Dumervil is also gone, so for the first part of the season, the Broncos will have trouble generating a pass rush. However, the defensive backfield is as solid as ever. Champ Bailey and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie make up one of the best Corner Back tandems in the league. Rahim Moore and Mike Adams are both solid NFL Safeties. The defense should be able to do enough to help Manning. This team will look unstoppable during the regular season. Just think where this team would be now if they would’ve kept Tim Tebow. Eat your heart out Skip Bayless.

2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

Additions: T Eric Fisher (Draft), QB Alex Smith (SF), WR Donnie Avery (IND), TE Anthony Fasano (MIA), Head Coach Andy Reid (PHI)

Losses: RB Peyton Hillis, WR Steve Breaston, QB Matt Cassel, QB Brady Quinn, TE Kevin Boss

Hey! What do ya know! The Chiefs have… a QUARTERBACK! They finally got the memo from HR. I mean, it’s probably important to have a Quarterback, but I don’t know, that could just be logic talking. Wow 9-7! That’s a big deal for the Chiefs! Alex Smith will be a GOD in Kansas City. He’s not even that good, but shit! You can’t get much worse than Lady Quinn. The offense has a decent amount of weapons with Dwane Bowe, Dexter McCluster and Jamaal Charles. They’ll end up somewhere in the middle of the pack offensively.

The real key to the Chiefs’ success this year will be their defense. The Chiefs’ D is stacked with young talent. Tyson Jackson and Dontari Poe are two up-and-coming Defensive Linemen. Derrick Johnson is still doing his thing at 97 years old. Tamba Hali is the best pass-rushing Outside Linebacker that no one talks about. Justin Houston will be a stud Linebacker someday. On the back end, you have a young Eric Berry at Safety who is blooming into a superstar. Cornerbacks Brandon Flowers and Dunta Robinson are two borderline Pro-Bowl players. Overall, Andy Reid and the gang will surprise a lot of people this year. Two years from now, they’ll probably go 2-14 again. But for now, WOO HOO!

3. San Diego Chargers (6-10)

Additions: T DJ Flunker (Draft), WR Keenan Allen (Draft), RB Danny Woodhead (NE), WR Eddie Royal (DEN)

Losses: TE Dante Rosario, LB Shaun Phillips

I feel bad for Phillip Rivers. I really do. “Okay Phil, here’s the plan: We’re gonna take away all your receiving weapons and give you no running game. Sound good? You’ll still be able to put up those big numbers right?” Now sure, Rivers has made his fair share of mistakes as well. But come on dude! Give him something to work with. Malcolm Floyd? Really? All defenses have to do is quadruple-team Antonio Gates and Rivers is screwed. There haven’t been any changes over the off-season that make me think 2013 will be any different from last year. Ryan Matthews is still fumbly and injured. The Offensive Line (which gave up the forth most sacks last year) is still a mess. The Charger’s number two receiver is Vincent Brown. Yeah… Vincent Brown. Good luck with that, Phillip.

Defensively, no one really scares me. Shaun Phillips (last year’s sack leader) is gone. Kendall Reyes and Cam Johnson (Who? and Who?) are set to start on the Defensive Line along side the above-average Corey Liuget. Manti Te’o is there. So there’s that. Derek Cox and Eric Weddle are the only two Defensive Backs worth noting. The aging Dwight Freeney was brought in to provide what ever pass rush he has left in those old bones. Overall, I’m unimpressed. The Chargers will toil away in mediocrity, beating playoff teams and getting blown out by shit teams. They’ll look playoff bound one week and the next week they’ll have six turnovers and look like they’ve never seen a football before. When it’s all said and done, they’ll finish under .500 and it’ll be back to the drawing board.

4. Oakland Raiders (1-15)

Additions: QB Matt Flynn (SEA), WR/KR Josh Cribbs (CLE), QB Tyler Wilson (Draft), RB Rashad Jennings (JAX), LB Nick Roach (CHI)

Losses: QB Carson Palmer, WR Darius Heyward-Bey, TE Brandon Meyers, RB Mike Goodson

Do the Oakland Raiders know they’re a football team? Seriously? This has to be the sorriest excuse for a roster that I’ve ever seen. Matt Flynn? That’s your answer? Flynn could maybe be as good as Matt Cassel was in Kansas City. That means his best-case scenario is playing like shit for a couple years, getting injured and then listening to the fans cheer as he gets carted off the field. Denarius Moore and Rod Streator are his biggest weapons… Jesus. Darren McFadden will get injured like always. Once Matt Flynn gets benched, his back up is Terrelle Pryor. So that should be fun.

On the defensive side, I’ve heard of like three players. Charles Woodson will start at Free Safety since he’s too old and slow to play Corner Back anymore. Tyvon Branch is a decent Strong Safety. Tracey Porter and Mike Jenkins will start at Corner Back. Their most notable Linebacker is Nick Roach. Sio Moore and Kevin Burnett are the other two Linebackers. Lamarr Houston, Vance Walker, Pat Sims and Jason Walker make up the Defensive Line. See what I mean? Like what the fuck?

This is going to be a shit show. No. Worse than that. This is going to be an unmitigated three-day County Fair and Music Festival of shit– a shit Carnival. A shit Extravaganza. A shit Circus! Come one, come all! Pack up the cooler and cram the kids into the SUV. Don’t be the guy that misses out on all the fun and excitement! 

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview: Ten Things To Watch For in The 2013 Season

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Over the next few weeks, the group here at Sports Blog Movement will be breaking down the upcoming NFL season from all possible angles, including many that do not involve wearing pants.  Given all of Meehan’s citations for indecent exposure and J-Dubs’ inability to find any pants that actually fit, we’re just the guys to kick this thing off and let you know what we have planned here at SBM over the next couple of weeks.  Here’s what you can expect:

• August 21st – AFC East – SBM Contributor Patrick Young
• August 22nd – NFC East – SBM Contributor Ryan Meehan
• August 23rd – AFC North – SBM Contributor Patrick Young
• August 24th – NFC North – SBM Contributor Jeremy Wiebe
• August 25th – AFC South – SBM Contributor Kody Brannon
• August 26th – NFC South – SBM Contributor Jeremy Wiebe
• August 27th – AFC West -SBM Contributor Ryan Graham
• August 28th – NFC West – SBM Contributor Ryan Graham
• August 29th – SBM Exclusive – The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table on the 2013 NFL Contenders & Pretenders – J-Dub

As far as today’s installment is concerned, J-Dub and Meehan are here to tell you about ten things you may not be expecting, but that you should definitely keep an eye out for, because they are a hell of a lot more likely to happen than you winning your office pool, fantasy football league, or whatever other bullshit in which you wrap your football Sundays .

1) The Impending Collapse of the New England Patriots

God bless Bernard Pollard.

It may not happen this year, but it’s happening soon.  In general, the Patriots are getting old in front of our very eyes, and specifically, the offensive line sucks, the only way they can move the ball on the ground is to send it FedEx, and right now Tom Brady has fewer targets than the Polish Air Force did in 1939.  This team is a Tom Brady injury away from 5-11 season and we all know it.  When Tom Brady got his ACL and MCL smashed in game one of the 2008 season and Matt Cassel took over, the Patriots finished 11-5, as opposed to winning their first eighteen games of the season the year before.  Brady is the only thing they really have left, because the Patriots have more missing pieces than a garage sale jigsaw puzzle.

Eight Simple Rules for Winning Your Fantasy Football League

People seem to think that Fantasy Football is this vast and complicated game. Everyone creates their own player ranking system and participates in mock draft after mock draft. They stress over match-ups and have a heart attack when they realize their two best players have the same bye week. Fantasy Football is not a science. You can never predict the amount of fantasy points a player will put up from week to week. Most of the time, it’s completely random.

With that said, there is a system that you can use that will help you at least give yourself a chance to win your league. I’ve used it in the past with great success. It doesn’t involve player rankings or mock drafts. All you really need is a general understanding of NFL teams and how the NFL game is played. Here are eight rules, which if followed will at the least, put you in position to win your Fantasy Football league. Because when it comes down to it, your fate is mostly up to chance.

1. Understand the Nature of the NFL

The first step to winning a Fantasy Football league is coming to grips with the fact that you can never be the reason that your team wins, but you can sure as hell be the reason that it loses. NFL coaches aren’t concerned with fantasy points. They’re more concerned with keeping their job and pissing away valuable years of their lives. The sooner you realize this, the better off you’ll be. To that point, players will have off games. Either because they weren’t featured in the game plan that week or maybe they just had a bad game. Players will always regress to their mean. If you have a good player, don’t bench him after one bad game or even two bad games. If you’re confident that he’s a good player, ride out the slump until he gets back on track.

NFL Coaches Who Will Get Fired Next Season

In today’s NFL, coaches get fired for three basic reasons:
1. They get stuck with a shit team.

(See Ken Whisenhunt or anyone who has coached the Browns or Raiders in the past decade)

Sometimes, coaches just get screwed. They get stuck with a retread Quarterback playing on his third team, skill players that are considered “projects” and a secondary with more holes than a Louis Sachar novel. There’s only so much a coach can do. You can polish a turd but you can’t make it win super bowl rings. Never mind the lack of talent on the roster, the wasted draft picks and the kicker that gets a $16 million contract (I’m looking at you, Raiders). After two 6-10 seasons, someone has to be the scapegoat right?

2. People hate them.

(See Mike Singletary, Norv Turner)

Sometimes coaches are just flat-out despised by either the fans, the media, their players, team management or a combination of the four. Sometimes they deserve the criticism. They might call a Wide Receiver reverse on 4th and inches or get caught banging someone they shouldn’t have been banging. They could also just be a complete fucking lunatic. In those cases, fuck it, let ’em have it. But in today’s world of internet memes and Facebook trolling, people just start to hate things because other people hate them. All this hatred builds up and gains momentum until it gets into the GMs’ heads and forces their hand.

3. “It’s just time to move on.”

(See Lovie Smith, Andy Reid, John Fox)

You hear that phrase thrown around all the time with NFL coaches. It basically translates to, “We’re bored of this coach, let’s go find a new one.” Most times, the coach getting fired has had a good amount of success. But after years of playoff futility, it gets to a point where everyone just seems to agree that the coach in question should be fired.

Below is a list of current NFL coaches, followed by a grade that represents their level of job security.

Better Inebriants, Better Amnesia, Papa John’s

 

Via Bro Bible

Let’s stop for a moment to admire the title of this article. You get it? Am I talented or what??

Last night, Papa John hit the town to watch the NCAA championship game. From the looks of it, you might say he was “three sheets to the wind,” or “schnockered,” or “sloshed to the gills” or my personal favorite: “pissed as a fart.”

If only he were there with Peyton Manning to plan next year’s Superbowl Pizza Giveaway.. 

– “Hey Papa, how about 2 million pizzas?”

— “FUCK THAT PEYTON! HOW ABOUT 2 BILLION PIZZASSSS!!!!!!

We missed a huge opportunity for free pizzas last night. For shame Peyton Manning, for shame…

What was Papa drinking? Sources say it was his own concoction: “Vodka John’s”

“Vodka John’s” Recipe (Patent Pending):

– 1 oz. Pinnacle Vodka

– 1 oz. DeKuyper Amaretto

– 1 oz. Papa John’s Special Garlic Dipping Sauce

[shudder]