The 2014 NFL Offseason Has Proved That Free Agency Hyperactivity Is At An All Time High, and Two May Soon Be The New Three…

Former Giants Defensive end Justin Tuck looks forward to another explosive sub-.500 season in a different jersey

Now that NFL free agency has kind of slowed down, we’ve really had the opportunity to sit back and let it soak in. We’ve seen franchise guys move around, and with every passing year it seems to surprise us less. As very well that it should, because free agency is crazy these days.

As you very well may know, I am a diehard New York Giants fan. The Giants had their most active offseason in recent history where they made some decent acquisitions, even garnering a B+ rating from their beat writer on NFL.com. They have brought back WR Mario Manningham, signed corner Walter Thurmond from the Seattle Seahawks and acquired a big name in Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie to help him try and repair that less than impenetrable New York Giants secondary amongst several other players. For the first time in as long as I remember, they really impressed me by going out of their way to make bold moves.

But as Dubsism would say…Here’s the $64,000 question: Did the Giants finally decide to make moves based on the way that they are going to run their own franchise for the next ten years; or did they make moves based on the way that they rest of the league seems to be losing their patience with players who do not perform? I personally think this is a case of monkey-see, monkey-do. The New York Giants will never be trendsetters; the franchise is just simply too old and doesn’t have what it takes to stick their neck out and lead the way due to their football-oriented conservative fanbase and ownership. So I believe that they have finally just caught up with the rest of the league, but in their defense the rest of this league has moved really fast. Just think about what’s happened this offseason already…

DeSean Jackson to the Washington Redskins: A Step in the Right Direction or a Match Made in Hell?

It’s official – the word came down late Tuesday evening that former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson will now join forces with Robert Griffin III in the D.C. area as they will both try to help the Redskins recover from a dismal 3-13 2013 season, and attempt to get them back to the playoffs and atop of the NFC East like they were the year before.

Yeah, about that…

SBM Exclusive: Sports Doppelgangers, Volume 50

With all the drama surrounding the train-wreck formerly know as the Washington Redskins , this seemed like a really good time to point out the uncanny resemblance between Robert Griffin III and former OutKast noise-maker Andre 3000.

If you are new to this series, check out our previous Doppelgangers here.

 

What We Learned From Week 8 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from concussion poster children like Merrill Hoge, you probably also didn’t know that tetherball originated as  ninth-century Tatar war ritual that involved chopping off the head of your dead enemy, tying it to a pole, and beating the shit out of it.

Think about that the next time you drive by an elementary school. Now let’s learn something about this week in the NFL. 

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

Philadelphia Eagles

• Cause of Death: Vick-Barkley Syndrome
• Autopsy Report with Bonus Comment:  For the record, Meehan accurately projected how the Eagles would start this game.  Ah yes…here it is…

“But after all that, really – it’s a 60% capacity Michael Vick versus Eli.  And after Vick leaves the game because he aggravates that hamstring yet again, it’ll be Matt Barkley in his place.”

Obscure Athlete Spotlight: Stan Humphries

Originally posted 10/18/13 at http://www.obscureathletes.com

I don’t know much about University of Louisiana-Monroe football, but I’d posit a guess that Stan Humphries is the greatest quarterback in the school’s history. For a few seasons in the NFL, he wasn’t bad either. Humphries was drafted in 1988 by the Redskins, and was immediately charged with backing up eventual Super Bowl MVP Mark Rypien. The team didn’t need Humphries until their eighth game of the 1989 season, when Rypien went down with an injury. Humphries went 5-for-10 in his debut, with a touchdown and an interception.

Humphries wasn’t getting much playing time backing up Rypien, however, and the Skins ended up trading him to San Diego shortly before the 1992 season began. The Chargers brought in Humphries after  seeing their starter John Friesz suffer a devastating knee injury during a preseason game. Finally Humphries would have his chance at NFL starting quarterbacking glory.

After a brutal 0-4 start to the Chargers’ 1992 season, Humphries and the offense kicked it into gear and the team went on an historic run to end the year. San Diego won 11 out of their final 12 games to finish 11-5 and win the AFC West. And the legend of Stan Humphries was born. The 1994 season proved even more magical for Stan and the Chargers. Humphries threw for 3,209 yards, including a 99-yard touchdown, forever tied for the NFL’s longest touchdown pass to wide receiver Tony Martin:

Humphries and the Chargers weren’t done with the dramatic yet, however. The team hosted the Dolphins in the divisional playoff round, and the Chargers were forced to make a comeback after falling behind 21-6 at halftime. Stan was up to the task–he led the Chargers on a furious second-half comeback. The San Diego defense held strong, and the Chargers pulled ahead 22-21 late in the game, ultimately securing the victory.

The Chargers traveled to Three Rivers Stadium to play an overconfident Steelers team in one of the greatest conference championship games ever played. Again it was Humphries leading a second half comeback, but this time it was the San Diego defense which held Pittsburgh in one of the greatest goal line stands in NFL history at the end of the game. The Three Rivers crowd fell silent, Bill Cowher put on his sad face, and Stan and the Chargers went to the Super Bowl.

The Chargers, though, never had a chance in the Super Bowl. Steve Young got the monkey off his back and led the Niners to the bookend-Super Bowl victory which punctuated a decade-plus of dominance (even though Montana and Bill Walsh were gone by then) and Stan Humphries was denied the game’s ultimate glory. 49-26 San Fran was the final. Humphries continued to start for San Diego, and ultimately retired after the 1997 season. He finished with 17,191 passing yards, and 89 touchdown passes to go with 84 interceptions. He he had a solid career, but ultimately falls into the “Obscure 90′s quarterbacks who almost won the Super Bowl” category. Stan had a solid career, however; he’s a working man’s quarterback, and a great friend of OA.

BOB COSTAS, THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS, AND SUNDAY NIGHT ETHICS COURSES DISGUISED AS FOOTBALL BROADCASTS

by Ryan Meehan

During Sunday Night’s presentation of the Cowboys/Redskins game, Bob Costas did a piece during halftime about the Washington Redskins and the debate that is going on about whether their name should be changed.  The piece was relatively impartial and informative.  He was actually doing a decent job of staying neutral for a while there, but you just knew there was some bullshit coming and here it was:

“Still, the NFL franchise that represents the nation’s capital has maintained its name.  But think for a moment about the term “Redskins,” and how it truly differs from all the others.  Ask yourself what the equivalent would be, if directed toward African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, or members of any other ethnic group…” 

Okay, first of all…no.  I can prove to you that is not the case. 

What We Learned From Week Six of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Mike Greemberg and Mike Golic, you probably also don’t know that Alfred Kinsey, author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), had a collection of 5 million wasps and could insert a toothbrush into his penis, bristle-end first.

You know that bit of knowledge just changed your life. Now, here’s some football facts that will do the same.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit last week, and it’s already time to mail out some death certificates.

New York Giants:

• Cause of Death: Chronic Turnover Syndrome
• Autopsy Report:  After eight interceptions in the fourth quarters of the first six games, Eli Manning is once again reduced to being the one in the family who’s going through a rough stretch.  This has caused Eli and the Giants to let their injuries absolutely destroy their chances of being successful.  The 2012-2013 New York Giants season has become the longest tip drill in history.

Jacksonville Jaguars:

• Cause of Death:  Self-inflicted gunshot wound to genital area
• Autopsy Report:  Even when it appeared that they were hanging with a good team, the Jaguars proved that they have no real firepower, except when it comes to shooting themselves.

Atlanta Falcons:

• Cause of Death:  Burst rectum from repeated anal rape with a sharp object
• Autopsy Report: The Falcons training center is starting to look like Jonestown 15 minutes after they made the Kool-Aid.  With the popularity of companies using temp services to provide labor for their short-term needs combined with the fact the Falcons are blowing out their knees putting on their shoes, the Atlanta Falcons medical staff now employs 15% of the U.S. population.

Oakland Raiders:

• Cause of Death: Hit by a semi loaded with flaming double-edged razor blades
• Autopsy Report: The fact that their two “best” receivers are Denarius Moore and Rod Streater means the offense ranks 27th in passing.  That translates to  gets you 7 fucking points a game if they are lucky.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

• Cause Of Death: Acute Schiano-itis
• Autopsy Report: Forget about the fact this team has more problems with MRSA than John Holmes had with AIDS.  Do we really need to do an autopsy on a team that has gone 0-3 at home and probably couldn’t beat the Jaguars right now.

Pittsburgh Steelers:

• Cause of Death: Old Age
• Autopsy Report:  Most likely available on the entire server Drunkathlete.com has allocated to Ben Roethlisberger. Sure, that’s not new stuff, but losing means all your foibles get rehashed by bloggers who do little more than eat Hot Pockets and masturbate to pictures of Linda Cohn. This death is even stranger from a franchise that both has no sense of urgency and usually doesn’t put up with this kind of shit.

2) Teams that Dropped to the Critical List:

Houston Texans:

We know, we know…There’s still ten games left in the season, and a lot can happen in that time, but let’s not kid anybody here.  This team is one re-run of Grey’s Anatomy away from a dirt nap.  There is no conceivable way that the Houston Texans play past December.  Really, getting the Rams at home should have been a fucking gift; instead, the Texans turned it into the Christmas tree that burns the house down.  Not only did the Texans lick more taint than Andy Dick in a Turkish bath house, they did so in a stadium and in front of a crowd meant to scare the shit out of opposing teams.   The  Texans looked uninspired, uncaring, and unworthy of January football.  Right now, we are calling the Texans will not make playoffs; you have to remember that it only took us both six weeks to bail on the team we had in the Super Bowl from the AFC. The only question really left in Houston is this the year finally the one which ends with the “Koob” getting fired.

Minnesota Vikings:

The horror that is the Vikings’ season really could be all 856 of those Friday the 13th movies. Just when you think it’s over, just when the sheriff shows up at the lakeside cabin and empties his 12-gauge through the face mask of the slasher, the killer pops back up, rips the sheriff’s face off and the horror continues. Put hockey masks on whichever heap the Vikings are trotting out as a quarterback and the concept becomes as clear as used Neutrogena.

Not only was getting slam-fucked by the Panthers the worst showing of this ghastly Vikings’ season so far, but let’s talk about the really scary question we won’t dare mention. Suffice it to say that we know Christian Ponder was not the answer. Matt Cassel is not the answer, and if anybody thinks Josh Freeman is the answer, this unmentionable question will keep coming back to life like the horror movie slasher.

There’s actually a simple reason for this.  Instead of putting the slasher through a wood-chipper and setting the bits on fire, the Vikings continually think they can solve the problem by giving the killer a shaving nick, then going back into the cabin to the naked, horny teen-agers who get machetes through their eyeballs. Josh Freeman is just another in a long line of shaving nicks that have finally bled the Vikings out.

3) Week Six proved to be the Bye Week for Offenses

Just look at all the teams who had offensive performances like watching a blind seal work a Rubik’s Cube…

Houston Texans: The progression from Matt Schaub to T.J. Yates is like going from HIV to full-blown AIDS (Yes, that’s the second AIDS joke we’ve made. Go dig up Ryan White and cry to him if you don’t like it).

Oakland Raiders: To make our “blind seal” analogy work for the Raiders, the seal is not only blind, but is wearing boxing gloves and it’s flipper’s are loaded with pharmacuetical-grade cocaine.

Minnesota Vikings: Time for this week’s “Fun with Homophones” moment.  The Vikings are describing their offensive situation as being “week to week,” largely because that’s really what their quarterback situation is all about. But, it really could also be called “weak to weak.”

Tennessee Titans: One of several teams with exactly zero offensive touchdowns.  Their only touchdown came from the Seahawks’ decision to have a “Garo Yepremien” moment.  Only touchdown was a result of a single play that was botched from the get go.

Pittsburgh Steelers: See above, with the difference being Pittsburgh’s only touchdown came from a play that came off the chalkboard broken. Sure, the Steelers won, but beating the Geno Smith-led Jets is really just getting a ribbon at the Special Olympics.  Honestly, the only time the Steelers looked good in the air was on a single play where the Jets’ coverage was worse than CNN’s quadrennial election special.  What we’re saying is even Wolf Blitzer could play man coverage against the Steelers and he wouldn’t even need to change his Fruit of the Looms. 

New York Jets: Geno Smith is just a fetal Josh Freeman. Next…

Washington Redskins: We said this last week, and we’ll say it again. The “read-option” concept without the threat of a running game is about as dangerous as a girl scout with rubber numchucks.  A while ago, J-Dub did a piece chronicling the connection between the Washington Redskins and Andre the Giant.  If the Redskins don’t figure out their lack of offensive prowess soon, Robert Griffin III might start looking more like Andre Ware. 

4) Joe Flacco Is Being Reduced to $120 million Plankton

Everybody is just eating Joe Flacco up, especially large marine filter-feeders. The man who rolled through the play-offs last year like an apex-predator shark has now been reduced to microscopic plankton the the seas of the NFL. sure, he showed a flash of the Flacco of old yesterday with that two-touchdown comeback in the 4th quarter quarter against the Packers, but the fact he and the Ravens came up short has been a microcosm of the Baltimore season, especially since Flacco started doing those god-awful McDonald’s commercials.

The Ravens offense, led by Flacco, has been as impotent as Wilford Brimley chuffing anti-Viagra; we all saw it Sunday against the Clay Matthews-less Packers.  Baltimore didn’t get a first rushing first down until the end of the third quarter, and they still should have won this game because the defense was handing out more knee damage than the baseball-bat scene at the end of Casino.  The failings of the Ravens so far this season is all about Flacco.

5) The whole “Tom Brady/Peyton Manning” conversation is ridiculous, because Brady can win when it matters.

As a “big game” quarterback, Tom Brady is now, and will always be better than Peyton Manning.  Sunday was just the latest example why. And Sunday we saw exactly why. When 98% of guys who’ve started at quarterback in the NFL  since the mid-1980s would have hung their head and declared the moment a loss, especially after that bizarre Bill Belichick 4th-down call that should have lost the game for  New England, and after the Patriots’ most experienced wide receiver got hurt, Brady gutted up and led the shell of the Patriots’ on a game-winning drive over a legitimate Super Bowl contender in the New Orleans Saints.

Meanwhile, Peyton Manning went out and stumbled through an ugly win against an even uglier team in Jacksonville. It was obvious during large stretches during that Bronco-Jaguar game that Manning was mailing this one in, particularly when he gift-wrapped that pick-six to Jacksonville linebacker Paul Pozlusny. While we could, we won’t bore you with yet another rundown of Peyton Manning’s “big-game” failures. Instead, let’s just look at the moments of truth we saw on Sunday.

Peyton Manning looked pretty mediocre against a team of NFL rejects, all while he has an offense stocked with weapons suited to his liking; meanwhile Brady has an offense made from a slightly-better class of NFL rejects whom are 5-1 largely for no other fucking reason than Tom Brady. But the biggest moment came in the 4th quarter in New England, when not only did Brady pull out the most-improbable of victories, he did so after throwing one of the most hair-brained and confusing picks you’ll ever see leave his fingertips.  Brady is headed to the Hall of Fame based on his ability to be a big man in big situations, even if his team has done a wonderful job of failing him in the past few years.

Now, having said that, it is important to point out the Patriots may easily be the worst 5-1 team we’ve ever seen, and we sure as shit understand there are a ton of haters out who want to jump all over the Patriots, and to many of you, we have this to say…

6) There are far too many Patriots’ fans who are stupid Yuppie fuckwads who prematurely bailed on this team.

Gillette Stadium in the 4th quarter.

What happened yesterday in Gillette Stadium proves what J-Dub said about a lot of Patriot fans a long time ago.  The fact the tens of thousands of “Patriots Fans” heard Brady’s comeback drive on their car radios is an absolute fucking disgrace.  The “wine and cheese” crowd in Foxboro decided “beating traffic” was more important that hanging around for the outcome of a game that could prove pivotal in New England’s entire season.  Yeah, we get they may be the worst 5-1 team ever, but the fact remains they are still 5-1.  Considering the fact the Patriots were within a score of winning against a Super Bowl contender, and that the Broncos are going to lose eventually means many so-called “Patriot Fans” bailed on a moment which looks to have HUGE play-off implications.

Despite that, they turned their back on a guy that has led them to three Super Bowls; a guy who got the ball back two separate times with a solid chance to win after the “fans” headed for the parking lot.  All you had to do was wait for the obligatory “crowd” shots during that game to see that least half the “crowd” left in the middle of the 4th quarter.  People like this make us here at SBM want to force feed them their own methane gas.

The “I want to beat traffic” people are all useless pieces of shit who shouldn’t even be at sporting events in the first fucking place.  They should all be at home looking up what Cat Stevens changed his name to after he converted to Islam. These are the same assholes who wanted to get out of that parking lot because despite their “hardcore big city mentality” there is a hole in their soul that would widen substantially if somebody were to scratch their Prius. Worse yet, their Dave Matthews Band CD might skip and they might spill some Samuel Adams “Autumn Northeastern Liberal Prick” all over their cargo shorts.

These people are not real fans. These people couldn’t name position players, they’re there because their cousin (who follows the remaining members of Grateful Dead around the country) got tickets. They figured since the dank from Vermont wasn’t coming in until later that night, they might as well go a football game because it would increase the number of times they said “Hell yeah, dude” without getting punched in the throat.

What We Learned From Week Four of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter, you probably also don’t know that every menu item at Denny’s is 40% Soylent Green.

Mmmmmmmmm…Denny’s!

1) The reports of the demise of the San Francisco 49ers might have been a bit premature.

For the entire week leading up to Thursday night, all we heard about was how Colin Kaepernick is not really a good quarterback and how the 49er defense can’t stop anybody with out Aldon Smith.  Yeah, about that…funny, but somehow we stopped hearing that shit come Friday morning.

Clearly, they didn’t need Aldon Smith to beat the sorry-ass Rams, and it’s even more clearly a good thing that Smith’s liver is getting a little “me” time anyway.

As far as the offense was concerned, the lesson learned here was that Colin Kaepernick is not the entire 49er offense. Anquan Boldin rolled through the Ram secondary like a Vicodin through Amy Winehouse, but the real difference was Kaepernick’s ability to rely on Frank Gore, who racked up a rushing average of 7.65 yards per carry.  See, the dirty little secret nobody who keeps talking about “read-option quarterbacks” wants to admit is is that the entire “read-option” concept only works when there’s a running back that keeps defenses worried about the threat of the run. Russell Wilson has Marshawn Lynch, Michael Vick has LeSean McCoy, and Colin Kaepernick has Frank Gore.

What We Learned From Week Two of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.

1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one. 

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good.  When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs.  In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.”  Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes  to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.

If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2.  There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England.  For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.

No Such Thing as Overpaying

It had to be done.

The Washington Redskins were in a bidding war that they happily won. Their prize is the most electrifying and talented quarterbacks to come out of college since Michael Vick. The Redskins may have given up a lot of draft picks but this sacrifice was one with the future in mind.

For a franchise quarterback, there is almost no such thing as overpaying.

There are no guarantees in life. Robert Griffin III could very well be the next Ryan Leaf. He could be the next Alex Smith. Heck, I don’t even think Nostradamus were alive today he could tell us what’s in store for RGIII.  Nevertheless, the Washington Redskins are doing the right thing.

I could go on for days about the follies of risking the future for the now. I chastised Hue Jackson for acquiring Carson Palmer. I questioned Julio Jones prior to Thomas Dimitroff’s draft day gamble. I lamented over Randy Moss’ return to Minnesota in the Brett Favre era.

However, this is different. It’s apples and oranges, cats and dogs, Toyota’s and Lexus’. Well, you get the picture.