What We Learned From Week 11 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Up until now, we’ve been consulting our medical expert Dr. Kelly Brackett for his prognoses on NFL teams. But now that we are clearly in the homestretch, it’s time to shift our focus from the survivors and the casualties to an analysis of the survival of the fittest. That means we change our expert as well; rather than looking for overall health, this becomes an exercise in actuarials…or to make it sound less insurance-like..it’s time to look at the odds of each possible contender making the play-offs.  For that, we have invited legendary movie odds-maker Sam “Ace” Rothstein for his thoughts.

AFC:

1) Indianapolis Colts (7-3)

Remaining Games:

• @Arizona
• Tennessee
• @Cincinnati
• Houston
• @Kansas City
• Jacksonville

Odds of Making Play-offs:

Metaphysical certainty. Steal as much money as you can get your hands on, then bet twice that much that Indianapolis will be in the play-offs.

Key Facts:

With six games to go, the Colts have a three-game lead in the AFC South over their closest competitor, and they just beat them on the road with a dramatic comeback victory.The Colts will make the playoffs because no one else in the AFC South will step up and challenge them.  The Titans are in second place, and the other two teams might as well be Terri Schiavo two days after they yanked her feeding tube.  They’ve already beaten Seattle, San Francisco, and the Broncos, and by the time they get to the Kansas City Chiefs, both teams could be just resting up for January.

What We Learned From Week 7 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from whichever fat-bag ex-player they’ve trotted out who makes a $1,500 suit look like a bursting sausage casing with buttons, you probably also didn’t know that kit-flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

Think about that the next time you want to tell us how much soccer sucks.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit a few weeks ago, and in addition to the death certificates we mailed out last week, there’s another autopsy report to share with you.

Minnesota Vikings:

• Cause of Death: Multiple Organ Failure
• Autopsy Report: This  death didn’t exactly have an obscure pathology. Taking a guy who got run out of town by the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (holy living fuck, for the first time this century that phrase is not being used in reference to the Oakland Raiders) and making him your starting quarterback is like taking a needle from the arm of an Ebola patient and using it to shoot 30 cc’s of battery acid into your eyeball. Make no mistake, this team is dead. If it wasn’t the fact that you saw the Giants spreading Josh Freeman all over the turf like he was 250 pounds of Jif Extra Creamy Peanut Butter, if it wasn’t the fact that Adrian Peterson couldn’t get anywhere with the ball, then the sight of Christian Ponder sitting on the sidelines knowing full well he will never see the field again had to tell Viking fans everywhere this team is done.  The part that is hard for us to understand is that Ponder was HUGE in the Vikes’ playoff run last season, so what happened? He suddenly didn’t get any more mediocre; he’s been amazingly consistent in his level of meh. The simple fact is the entire team got worse.

What We Learned From Week Five of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Ron Jaworski and Chris Berman, you probably also don’t know that testing NFL players for human  growth hormone is a waste of time because they’ve already got a substance made in a lab somewhere in Eastern Europe that will turn punters into Rambo, it’s made from aborted Guatemalan fetuses, and there’s no test for it.

1) The Cleveland Browns May Have Been The Inspiration For The Movie “Major League.”

Remember the scene in that movie when the manager calls the team together and tells them the owner is trying to tank the season? Remember the moment when Jake Taylor says “there’s only one thing left to do…win the whole fucking thing.” We really get that vibe off the Browns.  Picture them sitting in the locker room reading a local paper which has them dead and buried, when Brian Hoyer stands up and does his best Jake Taylor impression. They’ve ripped off three straight wins since that trade.

This is what we think happened.  At some point, Trent Richardson just started acting like too much of a bitch, demanded a trade, and then every media outlet in the country claimed that the Browns had sold their season. We mentioned that as well, but we said it in the sense that flushing the toilet is a GOOD thing.  Well, just look at what is going on in Cleveland.

Those very same guys in that very same locker who got pissed at Trent Richardson were unified by the fact that everyone thought they were a bunch of nobodies and have done nothing since but to take that fact, wrap it barbed wire, and shove it up the collective ass of all those who had them dead and buried. If you doubt that, then ask yourself if it is a coincidence that the Browns have won every game since that the Richardson trade. While asking that, remind yourself that winning streak includes a brute-force win over a Bengals team that made the playoffs last year and who just took down the Patriots.

If you still don’t want to buy this, consider the fact Brian Hoyer (who has clearly seemed to be the leader in this resurgence) got injured at the beginning of this game and Brandon Wheeden stepped right in like he’d been getting first team reps all week. Face it, we’ve been telling you for week the Browns aren’t as bad as people think, and a big reason for that is they have a chip on their shoulder, an axe to grind, something to prove, or whatever other bullshit hack cliché you want.  This team is going to be a real test for whoever lines up against them for the erst of this season.

Too bad that just like in Major League, this all ends after this season. Like we said in our Week 3 piece, the Browns are auditioning guys for draft day trades, because this team is obviously going to rebuild using the draft.

What We Learned From Week Four of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter, you probably also don’t know that every menu item at Denny’s is 40% Soylent Green.

Mmmmmmmmm…Denny’s!

1) The reports of the demise of the San Francisco 49ers might have been a bit premature.

For the entire week leading up to Thursday night, all we heard about was how Colin Kaepernick is not really a good quarterback and how the 49er defense can’t stop anybody with out Aldon Smith.  Yeah, about that…funny, but somehow we stopped hearing that shit come Friday morning.

Clearly, they didn’t need Aldon Smith to beat the sorry-ass Rams, and it’s even more clearly a good thing that Smith’s liver is getting a little “me” time anyway.

As far as the offense was concerned, the lesson learned here was that Colin Kaepernick is not the entire 49er offense. Anquan Boldin rolled through the Ram secondary like a Vicodin through Amy Winehouse, but the real difference was Kaepernick’s ability to rely on Frank Gore, who racked up a rushing average of 7.65 yards per carry.  See, the dirty little secret nobody who keeps talking about “read-option quarterbacks” wants to admit is is that the entire “read-option” concept only works when there’s a running back that keeps defenses worried about the threat of the run. Russell Wilson has Marshawn Lynch, Michael Vick has LeSean McCoy, and Colin Kaepernick has Frank Gore.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview NFC North

The NFC North, otherwise known as the “Black and Blue Division,” has a long history of tough, hard-nosed football. It has a short history of domination by one team. The Green Bay Packers have finished atop of the division three out of the last five seasons. Last season, the Packers rolled to the division title with a 11-5 record. How dominant are the Packers? In 2010, they didn’t win the division, but won a Super Bowl title, defeating the arch-rival Chicago Bears in the NFC Championship game. Here’s a look at how the division should shape up in 2013.

1. Green Bay Packers. 11-5

Additions: Vince Young QB (FA, Buffalo) Eddie Lacy RB (Draft, Alabama) Datone Jones DE (Draft, UCLA)

Subtractions: Jeff Saturday C (Released) Charles Woodson CB, (Released, Signed with Oakland) Greg Jennings WR, (FA, Signed with Minnesota)

The Packers didn’t make that many changes in the offseason, which is a good and bad thing. The positive is that quarterback Aaron Rodgers still leads a high-powered offense, that can score more often than Hugh Hefner in 1975. The negative is that a suspect defense remains intact, despite being exposed by San Francisco in the playoffs last season. The Packers averaged 27 points per game last season, so they know where the end zone is. The problem, especially come playoff time is, keeping the opposition out of their end zone. The Packers conceded 45 points to the 49ers in last year’s playoff loss. The year before against the New York Giants, the Packers gave up 37 points. Green Bay has been fortunate that the rest of the division has yet to step up, so winning the division isn’t the hard part. The question in the land of dairy and milk is, can the Packers get over the hump like they did in 2010? Or is another playoff disaster looming? Head coach Mike McCarthy better figure it out soon, or he could be on the unemployment line faster than Edward Snowden when he returns to the United States.

2. Chicago Bears 9-7

Additions: Martellus Bennett TE, (FA, New York Giants) Jermon Bushrod T, (FA, New Orleans) Steve Maneri TE, (FA, Kansas City) Kyle Long G, (Draft, Oregon) Leonard Pope TE, (FA, Pittsburgh) Trent Edwards QB, (FA, Philadelphia)

Subtractions: Brian Urlacher LB, (retired) Israel Idonije DE (FA, Detroit) Johnny Knox WR/KR, (Released) Kellen Davis TE, (Released) Matt Spaeth TE, (Released)

After a 7-1 start and a playoff berth all but locked up, the Chicago Bears struggled down the stretch and missed the playoffs, despite a 10-6 record. It was enough to cost head coach Lovie Smith his job, and a new ear was ushered in. Marc Trestman takes over the head coaching position, after five very successful seasons with the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes, in which Trestman won two Grey Cups, and four first place finishes. Trestman does have NFL experience, as he was the offensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders, when they went to the Super Bowl, during the 2002 season. (Yes people, the Raiders actually appeared in a Super Bowl. Now get your jaws off the floor.) Trestman is known to be a quarterback guru, and his mission in the Windy City is to turn Jay Cutler into a winner. Cutler has shown signs of brilliance, but has shown more signs of flat-out ugliness, as his 14 interceptions will attest. The defense won’t have Brian Urlacher anymore, as he decided to hang up his cleats, and join FOX television as a studio analyst. It will be up to the likes of Lance Briggs, Julius Peppers and Charles Tillman, to carry on the tradition of a hard-hitting defense that Bears fans crave for. The Bears know how to beat weaker foes, but they must improve on their 2-6 record against playoff bound opponents. If Chicago can’t defeat teams that are ahead of them, it won’t matter if Mike Ditka or Dick Jauron is manning the sidelines.

3. Detroit Lions 7-9

Additions: Reggie Bush RB, (FA, Miami) Israel Idonije DE, (FA, Chicago) Jason Jones DE, (FA, Seattle) David Akers K, (FA, San Francisco) Glover Quin S, (FA, Houston) Ziggy Ansah DE, (Draft, BYU) Rashean Mathis CB, (FA, Jacksonville)

Subtractions: Titus Young WR, (Released) Kyle Vanden Bosch DE, (Released) Stephen Peterman G, (Released, New York Jets) Jason Hansen K, (Retired) Brian Robiskie WR, (Released) Jahvid Best RB, (Released) Jacob Lacey CB, (Released) Lawrence Jackson DE, (Released, Minnesota) Drayton Florence CB, (FA, Carolina)

There is no doubt that the Detroit Lions have talent. However, is the talent being used properly? Or is the talent being guided properly? Head coach Jim Schwartz is on the hot seat and he must make the playoffs, or he will be gone out of Detroit faster than the Edsel. The problem is Schwartz is as intelligent as a Kardashian so expect the Lions to not live up to their potential. Too bad. Calvin Johnson is the best wide receiver in the NFL, and is being wasted on the Lions. Megatron broke the NFL record for most receiving yards in a season. (1,964 yards) Reggie Bush should help the offense, but Matthew Stafford needs to cut down his interceptions. His 17 picks were damaging to the Lions and he drastically needs to reduce that number by half. The defense should be improved, thanks to the additions of Israel Idonije and first round pick Ziggy Ansah. But as long as Schwartz continues to be the dumb ass we all love to hate, the Lions will spend another year in mediocrity.

4. Minnesota Vikings 5-11

Additions: Greg Jennings WR, (FA, Green Bay) Matt Cassel QB, (FA, Kansas City) Sharrif Floyd DT, (Draft, Florida) Desmond Bishop LB, (FA, Green Bay) Seth Olsen G, (FA, Indianapolis) Lawrence Jackson DE, (FA, Detroit)

Subtractions: Percy Harvin WR, (Trade, Seattle) Antoine Winfield CB, (Released, Seattle) Michael Jenkins WR, (Released) Chris Kluwe P, (Released, Oakland)

The Minnesota Vikings are Adrian Peterson, and not much else. OK that isn’t entirely true but pretty damn close. Peterson was amazing in 2012, rushing for 2,097 yards, just eight yards short of the all-time single season record. This, after coming off reconstructive knee surgery! So yes, Adrian Peterson is a great football player. But what else do the Vikings have? Christian Ponder? I don’t trust him to take care of my pet goldfish, let alone lead an NFL offense. (I don’t have a pet goldfish but if I did, I wouldn’t trust Ponder to feed it every day.) The receivers? Greg Jennings will help, but he will realize very soon that Ponder is not Aaron Rodgers. Jerome Simpson is OK, but he won’t make anyone in the Twin Cities think he’s the next Cris Carter. Or Randy Moss. Or Anthony Carter. The Vikings are so desperate at receiver, they’re trying former quarterback Joe Webb as a wideout. Granted, Webb couldn’t throw a football, so maybe he can catch one. The defense is OK, but getting old. How long can Jared Allen, Kevin Williams and Chad Greenway last before their aging bodies finally give way? The Vikings were very lucky to make the playoffs last season. Don’t expect a repeat in 2013.

You can follow me on Twitter @jstar1973

NFL Free Agent Extravaganza (In GIFs!)

Over the next couple days, the NFL will go bananas. Hundreds of players will be signed. Even more will get cut. And like every year, teams will sign players to REALLY bad contracts. Like any sport, the NFL is about money. Free Agency isn’t about outbidding other teams to scoop up the best players. It’s about finding bargains. The value that a guy brings to your team should always be equal or greater to what you’re paying him. For instance, JaMarcus Russell sucks. But I’d sign him in a second if he was willing to accept a one year, $200 stipend. (Which the NFL might allow since, you know, JaMarcus Russell) It’s all about value.

So let’s dive into it. Who’s signing who? Who’s been cut? Who’s been traded? And most importantly, what GIF will I use to describe the biggest transactions? Find out here!

I originally wanted to do this all in one page but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. So I’ll be posting each story individually as I go along.

Vikings trade Percy Harvin to the Seahawks for draft picks

Ravens Trade Anquan Boldin to the 49ers

Detroit Lions Sign Reggie Bush

Cleveland Browns Sign Paul Kruger

Denver Broncos Sign Wes Welker

Chicago Bears Sign Martellus Bennett and Jermon Bushrod 

Miami Dolphins Sign Mike Wallace 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Sign Deshon Goldson 

New England Patriots Sign Danny Amendola 

Update 3/14:

Matt Cassel, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Kevin Kolb Get Cut 

Atlanta Falcons Sign Steven Jackson 

Update 3/16:

Minnesota Vikings Sign Greg Jennings

Update 3/18:

St. Louis Rams Sign Jake Long

I will update this page with each new big-name free agent signing. Check back later!

Continue to Coach’s Rant for all the free agent coverage ->>

TALES OF DEPRESSION AND SORROW: LOVIE SMITH, DEVIN HESTER, AND THE 2012 CHICAGO BEARS

Locker cleanout day became a mob scene quickly in Chicago

by Ryan Meehan

Living in Bears country when you’re not a fan is something that I am a bit of an expert on.  While I have religiously rooted for my New York Giants year in and year out, I am constantly bombarded by the blind faith that is Chicago Bears fandom.  That being said, I don’t hate the Bears or their fans.

Now, I’m going to say a few things that might seem contradictory to that statement:  I do believe that for some reason or another, fans of that particular team seem to be oblivious towards some of the things that are happening within the organization.  Outside of a few people, very rarely do I hear criticism of the McCaskey family or the poor decisions they’ve been making for the past two decades.  Additionally whenever something happens to the Bears that doesn’t work in their favor, they tend to start pointing fingers and blaming everybody in sight.  The refs, the playing surface, the current playoff structure, you name it.  And even though the really smart Bears fans know better, enough of them don’t for the majority of them to be insufferably irritating.

Why The Chicago Bears Need To Fire Lovie Smith Now, and Why They Won’t

Lovie Smith: Giving Bears’ fans heart attacks for nearly a decade.

Remember two months ago when the buzz was that the Chicago Bears were a Super Bowl caliber team?

Yeah, about that…

Another football season in Chicago starts out with high hopes, and yet another football season in Chicago looks to end with the Bears barely making the playoffs (and most likely only to see an early exit), or worse yet another Chicago January sees the Bears watching the play-offs from their living rooms.

This easily could be seen as a damning indictment of head coach Lovie Smith, and in many ways it is exactly that.  I’m not a Bears fan, but that doesn’t change the fact that I believe strongly it is time for Lovie Smith to be fired.  To be honest, because there’s more than football at stake here.  I’ll come back to that later.