Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from whichever fat-bag ex-player they’ve trotted out who makes a $1,500 suit look like a bursting sausage casing with buttons, you probably also didn’t know that kit-flying is a professional sport in Thailand.
Think about that the next time you want to tell us how much soccer sucks.
1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:
- Cause of Death: Multiple Organ Failure
- Autopsy Report: This death didn’t exactly have an obscure pathology. Taking a guy who got run out of town by the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (holy living fuck, for the first time this century that phrase is not being used in reference to the Oakland Raiders) and making him your starting quarterback is like taking a needle from the arm of an Ebola patient and using it to shoot 30 cc’s of battery acid into your eyeball. Make no mistake, this team is dead. If it wasn’t the fact that you saw the Giants spreading Josh Freeman all over the turf like he was 250 pounds of Jif Extra Creamy Peanut Butter, if it wasn’t the fact that Adrian Peterson couldn’t get anywhere with the ball, then the sight of Christian Ponder sitting on the sidelines knowing full well he will never see the field again had to tell Viking fans everywhere this team is done. The part that is hard for us to understand is that Ponder was HUGE in the Vikes’ playoff run last season, so what happened? He suddenly didn’t get any more mediocre; he’s been amazingly consistent in his level of meh. The simple fact is the entire team got worse.
2) Teams That Dropped To The Critical List:
- Baltimore Ravens: This team is 3-4, they just lost to the already-dead Steelers, and Joe Flacco is playing like he been eating nothing but those shitty McDonald’s” chicken” wings.
- St. Louis Rams: Do a web search for “Rams back-up quarterback” and the second thing you will see is an article about how they are going to sign Tim Tebow.
- Philadelphia Eagles: Two words: Matt Barkley. That’s only one reason why the next point is so fucking ridiculous. A team on the critical list is still a playoff contender.
3) Dallas and Philadelphia was a battle for 1st place? Really?
The nightmare has become a reality; the rivalry which had once been one of the most brutal and bloody in all of football has now become the battle for who will be a little bit better than mediocre. In the NFC East, that means who will be in first place. This is really just sad. It’s like the athlete flying across the country during the off-season for the Make -A-Wish foundation and didn’t even get out of Baggage Claim when he got the text saying the kid already croaked.
It can’t get any less interesting, but it sure as shit can get worse. Here’s how. These two teams will continue to stumble-fuck their way into undeserved victories for the next two and a half months, after which they will both be right around 9-6, 8-7, or 7-8. That sets the stage for a Week 17 re-match which you just know we’ll all have to watch because it will get flexed to Sunday Night.
Bet you never thought you’d want to see the New York Giants turn things around so quickly, did you?
4) Seattle is the real deal.
On Thursday night, Meehan went up to his local bar to grab some quesadillas and to see if the Seattle Seahawks are for real. After close examination, Meehan is convinced (at least for the time being) that they do everything a championship team needs to do, and they do it well. They were hardly perfect, but the fact of the matter is no team in this league is perfect, which is why we have to look for teh team the does the most things better than anybody else. Right now, that is the Seashawks.
Russell Wilson is becoming a big-time quarterback, Marshawn Lynch runs with a serious sense of power that about 95% of running backs just don’t fucking have, and their receivers are on-point when it comes to running their routes. And that’s just on offense. Make no mistake that the Seahawks’ defense will knock the taste out of your mouth, and make your girlfriend hold their coats while they do it.
We don’t really care that the Cardinals are only slighty better than shit, this team is impressive. We understand that I get that Larry Fitzgerald wasn’t totally healthy, but anytime that you can hold him to 17 yards on 2 catches (one of which was in garbage time), you’re dialed in about as much as you can be. It’s not just pass coverage at which the Seahawks are excelling; they had 7 sacks against the Cardinals and were all up in Carson Palmer’s face the entire night.
We also understand that the Cardinals are surely not a measuring stick for whether or not your team can contend for a Super Bowl, but before this game they were .500 in what’s turned out to be the roughest division in football. We’re back on the Seahawks bandwagon for the time being, and they are now 6-1 for the first time in franchise history.
By the way, J-Dub is still pissed that Meehan never told him how the quesadillas were.
5) Yet again, we have to tell you the Patriots aren’t that good.
Patriots Fans…Don’t even try to give us any shit about that call on the field goal in overtime. In the immortal words of Jimmy Johnson, “If you leave it in the hands of the officials, you’re going to get fucked.”
First of all, whether or not you like the rule has no effect on whether it is a) enforceable and/or b) correctly called and/or c) blow us. The same Patriots’ fans that are whining about this call are the same ones who conveniently forget the fact their entire dynasty (which is a decade past its winning days, by the way) all started with this exact sort of ambiguous rule bullshit. Raise your hand if you remember the “Tuck Rule.”
J-Dub had a Patriots fans tell him that the Jets “aren’t as good as their record.” He agreed, then told Mr. Patriot that the Jets had every shot to beat the Patriots. Mr. Patriot then said “I’ve got a hundred bucks says you’re wrong.” J-Dub told him “make it a thousand and you’re in business.”
Mr. Patriot pussed on the bet, then called J-Dub at 11 A.M. Sunday morning to try to get him to make a $200 straight-up winner bet. J-Dub replied with an offer to take any number on the bet Patriots couldn’t cover the spread. Mr. Patriot pussed again, and the end result is this. Jets win and Patriots lose, all because we have been telling people since day one that the Patriots aren’t that good, and they aren’t.
The wheel of karma is now getting its Goodell turn because the harsh reality for you New Englanders is that with the sole exception of the Falcons game, the Patriots have literally been begging for this kind of loss all season long.
Even better still is the fact that Bill Belichick’s attitude whenever a call doesn’t go their way is a perfect example of how arrogant the Patriots really are. The only better example is Rob Gronkowski’s lack of effort when it comes to reaching for the ball on plays that are designed for him. Either way, they both reek of that sort of “We’ll catch a break on the next sequences” type of thinking. The worst part of that mind set is that it completely ignores the fact the Patriots offense is nowhere near where it should be, the defense couldn’t stop a Girl Scout cookie sale, and this latest episode of blaming the officials just makes them look like the same finger-pointing motherfuckers we’ve been bitching about all season. Don’t be surprised to see this team lose four more regular-season games before they lose in the first-round of the play-offs.
5a) The New York Jets Don’t Suck
To “Mr. Patriot” who told me the Jets aren’t as good as their record…well, neither are the Patriots. But that isn’t the point here. Here’s the fact that is going to blow your fucking mind. The incredibly shitty Geno Smith leads the NFL in game-winning 4th quarter drives. He’s done it four times so far in 2013.
6) Why the fuck does anybody kick the ball to Devin Hester?
This is the $64,000 question. Even in games where Hester doesn’t break one, he has punt returns for 20 to 35 yards, and kickoff returns where he can bust it for up to 40. You know he’s a serious danger because he gets upset when he doesn’t bust one. Say what you will about the Bears, but Devin Hester is going to go down in NFL history as one of the best return men ever.
But the question remains: Why the fuck does anybody kick the ball to him?
Let’s get real here. Hester can literally change direction in mid-stride, which means even if you can keep up with his “rocket-engine in his ass” level of speed, you still can’t get you goddamn hands on him. But on tyhe other hand, Hester can be easily avoided in ALL kicking situations. Oh, before you say some dumb shit like “That’s easy for you to say, you’re not a pro kicker/punter,” keep in mind that if your special teams booters can’t make both of the following suggestions happen, they shouldn’t be on an NFL roster to begin with.
- Kickoff: Kick the ball out of the end-zone.
- Punt: Put the ball out of bounds while giving it as much distance as humanly possible.
There it is. Ryan Meehan, a cellular phone salesman from East Buttfuck, Nowhere has just solved the Devin Hester problem.
Having said that, there has to be some reason that teams keep kicking the ball to him. It probably has something to do with pride; this idea that “our special teams guys are ready for anything” when the reality is well over two-thirds of the special teams units in the NFL blow goats. And not even the good goats that eventually become shawirma at a Halal market; we’re talking about the ones you see at the mall petting zoo that are probably retarded. Face it, if the players were any good, they wouldn’t be on special teams, now would they?
By continuing to kick the ball to Hester, special teams coaches are really trying to tell their guys they have faith in them. You can just hear it in the locker room…”We can get 23, we’ll stuff him deep.” That’s right before he jukes a guy right out of his jockstrap and busts off an 80-yard touchdown. Then, you can hear that same special teams coach saying shit like “It’s alright, it’s alright…he’s one of the best.” Of course, no coach-speak bullshit will take that 6 points off the scoreboard.
Just don’t kick the ball to the fucking guy.
7) Speaking of the Bears, they are now officially crappy.
A lot of people were going to question Jay Cutler’s toughness if he got injured again this season. Low and behold, this season came and guess what happened? He got injured again. To make matters even more hilarious, it’s a groin injury, which means we will all be subjected to a never-ending series of Jay Cutler “sprained vagina” jokes for the next week or so. In all seriousness, this does raise a question about Cutler’s durability.
For the longest time, the scapegoat was the lack of a running game. You could blitz Cutler all day long because there was no threat of a back going through the blitz with the ball. The Bears fixed that.
Then the blame fell on the offensive line. There was nobody to protect Cutler. The Bears fixed that.
So, here we are at Week 7 in the year that all the offensive problems in Chicago were supposed to be fixed, and yet again Cutler is a spectator. Was this a fluke? Did all the “fixes” work and this was just one of those things? After all, football is a rough game, and shit happens. But then again, the play on which Cutler got hurt didn’t look to be a particularly rough hit. So which is it? Was this latest injury just “one of those things,” or is Jay Cutler made of glass? The Bears better figure this out in a big fucking hurry if they are to be a contender in the next few years.
Another thing the Bears better figure out is to stop complaining about injuries. Sure, on top of the Cutler thing Lance Briggs blew out a shoulder, and Charles Tillman was in and out all game long, but every team in the goddamn league has injury problems. Do you think a Rams fans who just read that “St. Louis should sign Tebow” bit gives a frog’s watertight ass about Jay Cutler’s groin?
Lastly, another thing the Bears better figure out really fucking quick is the defense. To make a long story short, this is a franchise that prides itself on defense…”Monsters of the Midway” and all that rot…and this team came dangerously close to giving up a 50-spot to a team who last week was literally a block away from the funeral home and has a quarterback whose knee is made of lunch meat.
8 ) Speaking of defenses that better figure something out quick…
We told you this in Week One, and it hasn’t gotten better since. While every body has been fawning over Peyton Manning, nobody has bothered to notice how spongy-soft the Broncos defense is. Here’s some numbers that are scarier than the slasher movie marathon on AMC.
- They are giving up on average 28 points per game
- They are allowing on average 21 first downs
- They are giving up on average 397 total yards
Those numbers are bad enough, but stop to consider who they’ve given all that up to: The Ravens, Giants, Raiders, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, and Colts. They didn’t face a team with a winning record until they went to Indianapolis. This is a team that still has to face the Chiefs twice, so they better find a way to plug the holes in Denver right now.
9) Two teams you don’t want to fuck with right now: the Cincinnati Bengals and Indianapolis Colts
It seems almost insane to think there are two teams that don’t come close to the top of the pack in any category will be forces to reckon with in the remaining ten weeks of the season, but we’re pretyy sure there are a bunch of team out there that want nothing to do with the either the Bengals or the Colts.
Cincinnati is 5-2 and every bit deserving of that record. We are both buying everything Bengals related, not just because this is the second time they’ve won by this score but because Cincinnati is one good football team and although their defense does have a tendency to give up big plays, but to offset that they make clutch stops and win games.
The Colts are also 5-2, and three of those wins came against Denver, Seattle, and at San Francisco. That means they’ve beaten three teams who many see as Super Bowl contenders. Not to mention, even their punter will mess your shit up.
10) The undeserved scapegoat of the week: Anybody whose played quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this season.
Josh Freeman looked like shit on whole wheat toast last night, but to be fair, he had three New York Giants meeting at his facemask all night long. He had to throw the goddamn ball 53 times because the Giants threw down the gauntlet and held Adrian Peterson to 28 rushing yards. In other words, Freeman found out something Matt Cassel and Christian Ponder already found out the hard way. The Vikings offensive line is dogshit, and the entirety of that team gets worse every week.