What We Learned From Week 17 of the 2013 NFL Season: The Play-Off Preview Edition

By J-Dub and Meehan

As we promised in last week’s What We Learned piece, it is time for us here at Sports Blog Movement to breakdown this play-off season, because like we always say, there’s a ton of stuff you need to know that the usual suspects in the sports media will miss while they are busy lapping Peyton Manning’s spooge off a locker-room floor. Having said that, let’s break this down by conference.

AFC:

The Actual Conference Play-Off Power Rankings:

This has nothing to do with the seeding of the tournament; this has everything to do with who is playing the best football right now.

What We Learned From Week 11 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Up until now, we’ve been consulting our medical expert Dr. Kelly Brackett for his prognoses on NFL teams. But now that we are clearly in the homestretch, it’s time to shift our focus from the survivors and the casualties to an analysis of the survival of the fittest. That means we change our expert as well; rather than looking for overall health, this becomes an exercise in actuarials…or to make it sound less insurance-like..it’s time to look at the odds of each possible contender making the play-offs.  For that, we have invited legendary movie odds-maker Sam “Ace” Rothstein for his thoughts.

AFC:

1) Indianapolis Colts (7-3)

Remaining Games:

• @Arizona
• Tennessee
• @Cincinnati
• Houston
• @Kansas City
• Jacksonville

Odds of Making Play-offs:

Metaphysical certainty. Steal as much money as you can get your hands on, then bet twice that much that Indianapolis will be in the play-offs.

Key Facts:

With six games to go, the Colts have a three-game lead in the AFC South over their closest competitor, and they just beat them on the road with a dramatic comeback victory.The Colts will make the playoffs because no one else in the AFC South will step up and challenge them.  The Titans are in second place, and the other two teams might as well be Terri Schiavo two days after they yanked her feeding tube.  They’ve already beaten Seattle, San Francisco, and the Broncos, and by the time they get to the Kansas City Chiefs, both teams could be just resting up for January.

What We Learned From Week 8 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from concussion poster children like Merrill Hoge, you probably also didn’t know that tetherball originated as  ninth-century Tatar war ritual that involved chopping off the head of your dead enemy, tying it to a pole, and beating the shit out of it.

Think about that the next time you drive by an elementary school. Now let’s learn something about this week in the NFL. 

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

Philadelphia Eagles

• Cause of Death: Vick-Barkley Syndrome
• Autopsy Report with Bonus Comment:  For the record, Meehan accurately projected how the Eagles would start this game.  Ah yes…here it is…

“But after all that, really – it’s a 60% capacity Michael Vick versus Eli.  And after Vick leaves the game because he aggravates that hamstring yet again, it’ll be Matt Barkley in his place.”

10 Stages of an NFL Meltdown

Team meltdowns— we’ve all seen them happen. It happened to the Jets last year. The Buccaneers are in the middle of a meltdown as we speak. If you’re a Raiders or Browns fan, you get to experience a meltdown every year! But how does it happen? How does a perfectly decent NFL team go from a preseason favorite, to an unmitigated deteriorating sack of suck in the matter of a season? Actually, the process is quite simple. Here are the ten stages of an NFL team meltdown.

1. High Expectations

In order for it to be considered a meltdown, people actually need to think your team is talented. By people, I mean any sports writer or commentator not named Skip Bayless. I believe it was Mike Florio, Editor of Pro Football Talk—and a man whose opinion I respect— who picked the Kansas City Chiefs to win the AFC West last year. Instead, the Chiefs were the worst team in the NFL at 2-14. When a respected analyst makes that big of a gaffe, only then can it be considered a meltdown.

2. The Losses

At stage two, the team will begin to lose. Badly. Okay, so maybe the first couple games were close. Then comes the blowout. The QB throws five interceptions and the defensive gives up 40+ points. “It’s a long season,” coaches will tell the media. “We’ve dug ourselves a hole but I have confidence in our guys.”

What We Learned From Week Three of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter, you probably also don’t know that everything at Taco Bell is made of the same five elemental ingredients and that they all end up in the same place.  Speaking of which…

1) The Cleveland Browns have already flushed the 2013 season.

Calcutta – The Cleveland of India.

This is just the Browns way of saying they have flushed on 2013 and are stocking up on picks for 2014. But that’s not always a bad thing.  If you never flush your toilet, your house will become Calcutta in about a week. Cleveland has already had it’s river catch fire more than once; the last thing they need is cattle running loose in the streets trampling children with flies on their faces.

Don’t pay attention to the fact they beat the Vikings after trading their best offensive player and started a third-string quarterback who couldn’t make the roster with the Arizona Cardinals.  Never mind the fact that how they ripped the guts out of Viking fans may be a hate crime in at least 23 states. What this all comes down to is the Browns are auditioning guys for draft day trades in 2014.  Believe it or not, the Browns have some depth almost everywhere except the offensive “skill” positions. This team is young, and with the right number of draft picks and the right decisions using them, they could end up with more positional talent than a copy of the Kama Sutra.

For old guys like J-Dub, well…those guys long for the Sam Rutigliano-led Cleveland “Cardiac Kids” of the 1970’s, and curse the Browns inability to recover from Earnest Byner’s notorious fumble in the 1987 AFC Championship Game.

For the younger guys like Meehan, the good news is that by this time next year, half of the current Cleveland Browns will be working at the Quad Cities Mall with them, and you just know those guys will have some pretty cool stories to tell about the Hooters in Akron. Face it, when you live in Bettendorf, Iowa, Akron is the fucking “City of Lights.” However, the bad news is that there is every chance that this new management approach in Cleveland may be (to quote Roger Daltrey)  just an exercise in “meet the new boss…same as the old boss.”

This is the part where we have to join in an ESPN-style speculation-fest as to what are the Browns planning to do with two first-round draft picks, one of which is as guaranteed to end up in the top three as it was that one of the “Saved by the Bell” girls was going to end up on a stripper pole. We don’t mean in the movies, either. Lark Voorhies, if you are reading this, please drop us a line…we’re concerned about you…really. In any event, it seems the pointy-heads at the World Wide Bottom Feeder seem to think this makes it metaphysical certainty that Johnny Football will be getting his mail in northeastern Ohio about ten months from now.

What We Learned From Week One of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Without any further fanfare, let’s just get to the stuff week one of the NFL season showed us.

1) Peyton Manning’s performance hid the fact the Broncos’ defense sucks.

If Thursday night taught us anything, it’s that the Broncos are indeed going to struggle on the defensive side of the ball.  By “struggle,” we’re talking something akin to a turtle on its back getting gang-raped by a group of Hell’s Angels all to an all Kenny G soundtrack. If you consider all of the mistakes that Baltimore made offensively, the fact that Denver gave up 27 points is pretty pathetic.  Ray Rice is a pretty solid “yards after contact” guy, but against the Ponies defense, he got more second chances than Robert Downey Jr.

Not to mention, we aren’t even counting the mistake made on the interception return that by all that is right in the football universe should have resulted in yet another Broncos’ touchdown. This is where Danny Trevathan had a “Honey Badger meets DeSean Jackson” level brain-fart. After making the pick, and cruising to what should have been the “pick-six” part of this, he inexplicably released the ball before he crossed the goal line in a momentary lapse of judgment reminiscent of a young DeSean Jackson.  As you would hope, Denver defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio ripped Trevathan’s ass open like he was Edward Norton in the prison shower scene in American History X, because Denver can’t expect Grandpa Manning to chuck 7 touchdowns every week.   

Besides, expecting Fetushead Manning to bail you out on a weekly basis is a reasonably solid plan in the regular season, it’s going to kill Denver in the play-offs.  Given the past history, Manning will get you a shit-load of wins between September and  December, but in January he becomes as dependable as a nine dollar cell phone. The problem is that after Thursday, Bronco Nation is “all in” on that phone you wouldn’t trust your grandmother’s life with; they now expect that every time the elder Manning brother steps onto the field, he is going to throw more successful scoring passes than a 1970’s Warren Beatty with a sugar bowl full of coke.  This will prove to be like expecting Wendy’s employee to give a lecture on nuclear fission in between the time it takes after you’ve consumed an entire a double Baconator combo meal with extra cheese and mayonnaise and when you regain consciousness staring up at the paramedics.

A championship-level NFL defense is supposed to dominate opposing offenses like the Red Army rolled through Prague in 1968.  Without Von Miller until week 7, and with no real replacement for Elvis Dumervil, the Bronco idea of defense is a bit like Saddam Hussein promising the “Mother of all Battles” while rolling out to meet the U.S. Marine Corps with a half-dozen Buick LeSabres.  To keep the military analogies going, the Ravens played the role of France as they let der grüppenfuhrer  Manning goose-step down the Champs-Elyseés while they were busy worrying about how to properly stomp the wine grapes.

But not everybody is going to lay down for the Blitzkrieg like Baltimore did.  To win in January, eventually this Bronco defense is going to have to show it can stop somebody.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview: AFC West

What’s up kids? I’m here to talk to you about the AFC West!

This might just be the worst division in the NFL.  Take away the Denver Broncos and you’re left with a fat sack of bad. It wasn’t always so. The Chargers were once a perennial 10+ win team. Believe it or not, of the four teams, the Raiders have the most divisional championships. The Chiefs use to be… well on second thought, the Chiefs were always terrible. This division is sure to be a train wreck. One that you’ll get to witness mid-afternoons on CBS (because you know, these teams are too cool to start their games at 12 PM Central Time like everyone else.)

1. Denver Broncos (13-3)

Additions: WR Wes Welker (NE), RB Monte Ball (Draft), C Dan Koppen (NE)

Losses: RB Willis Mcgahee, OLB Elvis Dumervil

Let’s face it, the Broncos have Peyton Manning. Ergo, the Broncos will win a lot of games. Their biggest strength lies in their passing game. Manning has a ridiculous amount of weapons at his disposal in Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker and Wes Welker. Their Running Back situation is in flux but it won’t really matter. No team in their right mind will load the box against Peyton Manning. A one-legged Chimpanzee could play Running Back for the Broncos and end up with a 700 yard season.

Defensively, the loss of Von Miller for the first six games will certainly hurt. Without Miller who had 18.5 sacks last season, the next best pass rusher on the team is Derek Wolfe with a meager 6.0 sacks. Elvis Dumervil is also gone, so for the first part of the season, the Broncos will have trouble generating a pass rush. However, the defensive backfield is as solid as ever. Champ Bailey and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie make up one of the best Corner Back tandems in the league. Rahim Moore and Mike Adams are both solid NFL Safeties. The defense should be able to do enough to help Manning. This team will look unstoppable during the regular season. Just think where this team would be now if they would’ve kept Tim Tebow. Eat your heart out Skip Bayless.

2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

Additions: T Eric Fisher (Draft), QB Alex Smith (SF), WR Donnie Avery (IND), TE Anthony Fasano (MIA), Head Coach Andy Reid (PHI)

Losses: RB Peyton Hillis, WR Steve Breaston, QB Matt Cassel, QB Brady Quinn, TE Kevin Boss

Hey! What do ya know! The Chiefs have… a QUARTERBACK! They finally got the memo from HR. I mean, it’s probably important to have a Quarterback, but I don’t know, that could just be logic talking. Wow 9-7! That’s a big deal for the Chiefs! Alex Smith will be a GOD in Kansas City. He’s not even that good, but shit! You can’t get much worse than Lady Quinn. The offense has a decent amount of weapons with Dwane Bowe, Dexter McCluster and Jamaal Charles. They’ll end up somewhere in the middle of the pack offensively.

The real key to the Chiefs’ success this year will be their defense. The Chiefs’ D is stacked with young talent. Tyson Jackson and Dontari Poe are two up-and-coming Defensive Linemen. Derrick Johnson is still doing his thing at 97 years old. Tamba Hali is the best pass-rushing Outside Linebacker that no one talks about. Justin Houston will be a stud Linebacker someday. On the back end, you have a young Eric Berry at Safety who is blooming into a superstar. Cornerbacks Brandon Flowers and Dunta Robinson are two borderline Pro-Bowl players. Overall, Andy Reid and the gang will surprise a lot of people this year. Two years from now, they’ll probably go 2-14 again. But for now, WOO HOO!

3. San Diego Chargers (6-10)

Additions: T DJ Flunker (Draft), WR Keenan Allen (Draft), RB Danny Woodhead (NE), WR Eddie Royal (DEN)

Losses: TE Dante Rosario, LB Shaun Phillips

I feel bad for Phillip Rivers. I really do. “Okay Phil, here’s the plan: We’re gonna take away all your receiving weapons and give you no running game. Sound good? You’ll still be able to put up those big numbers right?” Now sure, Rivers has made his fair share of mistakes as well. But come on dude! Give him something to work with. Malcolm Floyd? Really? All defenses have to do is quadruple-team Antonio Gates and Rivers is screwed. There haven’t been any changes over the off-season that make me think 2013 will be any different from last year. Ryan Matthews is still fumbly and injured. The Offensive Line (which gave up the forth most sacks last year) is still a mess. The Charger’s number two receiver is Vincent Brown. Yeah… Vincent Brown. Good luck with that, Phillip.

Defensively, no one really scares me. Shaun Phillips (last year’s sack leader) is gone. Kendall Reyes and Cam Johnson (Who? and Who?) are set to start on the Defensive Line along side the above-average Corey Liuget. Manti Te’o is there. So there’s that. Derek Cox and Eric Weddle are the only two Defensive Backs worth noting. The aging Dwight Freeney was brought in to provide what ever pass rush he has left in those old bones. Overall, I’m unimpressed. The Chargers will toil away in mediocrity, beating playoff teams and getting blown out by shit teams. They’ll look playoff bound one week and the next week they’ll have six turnovers and look like they’ve never seen a football before. When it’s all said and done, they’ll finish under .500 and it’ll be back to the drawing board.

4. Oakland Raiders (1-15)

Additions: QB Matt Flynn (SEA), WR/KR Josh Cribbs (CLE), QB Tyler Wilson (Draft), RB Rashad Jennings (JAX), LB Nick Roach (CHI)

Losses: QB Carson Palmer, WR Darius Heyward-Bey, TE Brandon Meyers, RB Mike Goodson

Do the Oakland Raiders know they’re a football team? Seriously? This has to be the sorriest excuse for a roster that I’ve ever seen. Matt Flynn? That’s your answer? Flynn could maybe be as good as Matt Cassel was in Kansas City. That means his best-case scenario is playing like shit for a couple years, getting injured and then listening to the fans cheer as he gets carted off the field. Denarius Moore and Rod Streator are his biggest weapons… Jesus. Darren McFadden will get injured like always. Once Matt Flynn gets benched, his back up is Terrelle Pryor. So that should be fun.

On the defensive side, I’ve heard of like three players. Charles Woodson will start at Free Safety since he’s too old and slow to play Corner Back anymore. Tyvon Branch is a decent Strong Safety. Tracey Porter and Mike Jenkins will start at Corner Back. Their most notable Linebacker is Nick Roach. Sio Moore and Kevin Burnett are the other two Linebackers. Lamarr Houston, Vance Walker, Pat Sims and Jason Walker make up the Defensive Line. See what I mean? Like what the fuck?

This is going to be a shit show. No. Worse than that. This is going to be an unmitigated three-day County Fair and Music Festival of shit– a shit Carnival. A shit Extravaganza. A shit Circus! Come one, come all! Pack up the cooler and cram the kids into the SUV. Don’t be the guy that misses out on all the fun and excitement! 

Super Bowl XLVII Prediction: Potato Chips

As in who cares? Its the Ravens and 49ers. Its two brothers staring at each other, each trying to look more puzzled and confused than the other. It’s listening to two insufferable fan bases who know more about crabs and oysters than football. I’m fairly certain I speak for most of the NFL when I say: Nobody gives a shit, now go make me some crab cakes.

For me the NFL season ended two weeks ago. Even the alternative to this match-up would have been annoying. Matt Ryan and Tom Brady are two of the more fake, pre-programmed Ken dolls the NFL PR department has churned out in decades. Had the Falcons advanced we would have had to listen to the vomit-inducing nickname “Matty Ice” a few million times. (And by the way, that nick name sounds like the stage name for the world’s first openly gay rapper, not an NFL quarterback.) If Brady had advanced the term “passing the torch” would be uttered more often than the coverage of the Olympics. The sale of hand lotion and Kleenex in the Bristol, CT are would have skyrocketed, so nobody is more disappointed with SB XLVII than the folks at Lubriderm.

Read the rest here.