What We Learned From Week 16 of the 2013 NFL Season: The Coaches’ Death Watch Edition

Sword of Damocles

By J-Dub and Meehan

This will be our  last regular-season weekly breakdown; by this time next week, all the play-off matches will be set, and that means the time for looking back is as gone as that stuff Marv Albert used to call hair. Play-off predictions aside, there’s another thing that will start happening, and it may not even wait until next week.  It’s the time of year when NFL start getting clipped at a rate faster than mob informants.  Gary Kubiak was the first, but he sure as shit won’t be the last. That’s why we are here to run down the most likely candidates to face the Sword of Damocles over the next few days.

1) Mike Shanahan – Washington Redskins

Mmmmmmm...Arby's Sauce.

Mmmmmmm…Arby’s Sauce.

In a situation which has easily become the most embarrassing structural mess the NFL has faced since Jerry Jones’ most recent penile implant, the Washington Redskins have  a 99% probability of dumping this gasbag the second the season is over.  While this is the right thing to do, it’s not going to fix all of the Redskins’ problems.  It’s not going to fix the fact that Robert Griffin III is likely to turn out to be the second NFL coming of Andre Ware.  It’s not going to change the fact that Daniel Snyder probably spends a majority of his time playing with a plastic shovel in an oversized sandbox. Its’ certainly not going to change the fact this is a team which  is ranked third in the league in rushing, yet will finish dead last in the NFC East no matter what happens in week 17.

Bought the Redskins and made pee=pee...all by himself!

Bought the Redskins and made pee=pee…all by himself!

The bottom line is that with the Redskins,  the structure is the issue, not the players or the coaches specifically.  What makes this difficult for the Redskins is that it’s going to be very hard to get a big-time offensive free agent to come to Washington go to a team like that.  Let’s just put it this way:  Would you want to go play for an owner who has a net worth of over a billion dollars; but looks like he spends all of his time practicing for the Finger Painting Olympics?

Likelihood he gets another NFL head coaching job:  Due to his complexion, Mike Shanahan is more likely to get a job as an Arby’s dipping sauce.

2) Jim Schwartz – Detroit Lions

Schartz may be a douchebag, but he's got some perky man-nips.

Schartz may be a douchebag, but he’s got some perky man-nips.

This dude is straight burnt toast. The minute Josh Brown’s game winning field goal beat Detriot in overtime on Sunday, they started setting empty boxes aside for Schwartz back at the Lions’ offices.  He’s got some of the best talent in the NFL; a legitimate “franchise” quarterback, a wide receiver who was created in a bionics lab, position, and a tight end in Brandon Pettigrew who’s on the verge of blossoming into a brutal NFL superstar, and a running back and special teams utility in Reggie Bush.

Schwartz first put his douche-baggery on display when he thought that he could take Jim Harbaugh, a concept which contains more comedic material than every prime-time sit-com combined.  From there it exploded into this thing where the issue of him never being able to keep his defense under control and defending Ndamodonkeykong Suh’s inexcusable post-whistle bullshit brought his leadership skills under more questions than a stutterer on Jeopardy.  All stated, his lack of ability to discipline his players made it obvious that he couldn’t beat a seven-year-old at Madden, let alone run an NFL team.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job: About the same as the odds that “Disney on Ice” is really a travelling documentary about the methamphetamine addictions of former Mickey Mouse Club members. We’d love to see it, but it’s probably just a pipe dream.

 3) Jason Garrett – Dallas Cowboys

howdy doody

Like sands through the hourglass, so grows the hole in Jerry Jones’ liver.  With every passing moment that the Cowboys don’t win another Super Bowl…and make no mistake, they aren’t doing that anytime soon…because this is simply not a team built to win.  On top of that, Jason Garrett would have a better chance of riding Bigfoot to a Kentucky Derby win than he does of hoisting the Lombardi trophy.  Sure, everybody is agog now over the loss of Tony Romo, which only begs the question where will the Cowboys get that crippling late interception from?  But that ignores that despite their comeback win against the Redskins, this is still a team built to struggle against sub-average teams.

Face it, if the Cowboys weren’t the biggest over-rated shit-heap in the NFL, then why do they perennially hover around the .500 mark and need miracles to beat 3-12 dumpster fires like Washington whose very coach heads up this motherfucking article?  If the Cowboys are supposed to be so much better than this, then they should actually lead the league in a category other than vehicular manslaughter convictions.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job: Go down to your local mall sometime this spring, and take a good look at the head security guy.  Notice how he looks a lot like Jason Garrett…right down to the freckles and creepy, windowless-van-owner smile.

4) Greg Schiano – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

greg schiano

The Bucs lost their first eight, but in the following six weeks following they went 4-2, with the two losses coming to Carolina and San Francisco.   Schiano is probably best known for encouraging players to push through the line during kneel-downs, which is the sportsmanship equivalent of pushing someone in a wheelchair into wet cement.  There was some suggestion that due to their play down the stretch, Schiano may have saved his job, but that seems less likely now.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job:  We are pretty sure Rutgers would welcome him back at this point. Let that sink in for a moment.

5) Leslie Frazier – Minnesota Vikings

Thing Frazier would miss most about Minnesota: Shopping at Prince's garage sales.

Thing Frazier would miss most about Minnesota: Shopping at Prince’s garage sales.

It’s hard to wonder what anybody really expected of Frazier and the Vikings,  but one would think that after the beat-down that Cincinnati put on them this past Sunday that some sort of change might be coming.   Somehow he was able to talk Adrian Peterson into staying with a team that was four or five steps below being an actual playoff contender.  This one is about 75/25 with the 75 having it’s arm in the guillotine.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job:  Much better than most of the others on this list, although we really aren’t sure why.

6) The guy from the Oakland Raiders

image not found

OK, before you say it, we know now his name is Dennis Allen, but to be honest, we had to look it up.  Face it, the Raiders have been irrelevant for a decade now, which is why we are confident you didn’t know who the fuck he was either.   The most evaporative franchise in the National Football League will or won’t get rid of their head coach this offseason, and it may or may not be reported in a media that runs every story available.  Raiders’ owner Mark Davis has made it clear that everyone in the entire house could be subject to a heavy scrubbing, so don’t be surprised if you see Allen working for Serv-Pro when they come to clean out the locker rooms in mid-January.  But then again, don’t be surprised if you see him hosing out the arcade/viewing rooms at the local truck stop.  Whether Dennis Allen goes or stays, there’s one thing that we here at Sports Blog Movement can assure you: it won’t matter.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job:  Look at it this way – What is the likelihood that you thought he’d EVER have a head coaching job in the first place?

7) Rex Ryan – New York Jets

rex ryan fired

Rex Ryan has a big mouth and and even bigger personality, which is why he makes a perfect lightning rod for all that is wrong with the Jets.  Having said that, the Jets may very well fire him, which would be just another Jets-type decision. Love him or hate him, there are some undeniable facts about Rex Ryan.  Tell us another coach who could make two deep playoff runs with Mark Sanchez as his quarterback.  Tell us another coach who has a better record against the “dynasty” Patriots. Tell us another coach who got six wins out of a team with an offense comprised of a rookie quarterback, no realistic offensive play-makers, and an offensive line comprised of lunchmeat.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job: Pencil him in for the Lions’ job right now.

8 ) Mike Smith – Atlanta Falcons

Ron Not-So Burgundy.

Ron Not-So Burgundy.

This is the only one where we think a) his talent level might save his ass, and b) Arthur Blank might take into consideration just how banged up they really were. Even though the Falcons were over-rated this year despite making it to last year’s NFC Championship game, it’s got to take more than one atrocious season to send him to the whipping post.  But if they’re not .500 seven games into next season, he could be 2014’s Gary Kubiak, with or without the mini-strokes.  Atlanta needs to do well in the draft, and understand that Tony Gonzalez ain’t coming back for another year of this shit.  They do need at least one more wideout,   because the second Julio Jones went down, they kissed the curb and turned around bleeding asking for further punishment.

Likelihood that he gets another NFL head coaching job:  Not nearly as high as him selling the next miracle hair-frosting product cable news anchors use.


Filed under Humor, Sports

7 responses to “What We Learned From Week 16 of the 2013 NFL Season: The Coaches’ Death Watch Edition

  1. I think his name is Mike Smith, not White. But the Howdy Doody pic more than makes up for it.

  2. So among the eventual coaching vacancies, which team becomes the most AndyReid-Chiefable in 2014?

    The Bucs are putting together some nice young talent, particularly on the defensive side of the football but their quarterback is still cardable at most bars in my neighborhood.

    Detroit, I’m guessing?

  3. Pingback: What We Learned From Week 17 of the 2013 NFL Season: The Play-Off Preview Edition | Sports Blog Movement

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