What We Learned From Week 13 of the 2013 NFL Season – The “Truth Or Lies” Edition, Part I

By J-Dub and Meehan

As we have been doing all season, we are breaking down things that you need to know as we head into the play-offs. As we get closer, that means that issues with team get more magnified. That also means that a lot of assumptions that have been held about the teams who are still play-off contenders become true or get exposed as just another pack of lies. So, without any further adieu, here are this week’s questions…

1) Truth or Lie: The Detroit Lions can win the NFC. 

Meehan’s Thoughts for the Day 11/22/13

In the sports world there are certain things that as writers that call for us to voice our opinions, yet don’t warrant an entire column in their honor. So from this point forward, I’ll be popping in from time to time to let you know what I think about some of the recent happenings in sports. Let’s get started…

What We Learned From Week 9 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

As we usually say, another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, but this week is a bit different, because J-Dub walked out of SBM World Headquarters after Richie Incognito called him some sort of terrible name. On a serious note, be sure to check out Meehan’s coverage of that story…

Now, let’s get to the important points from Week 9.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch: Teams Dropped To The Critical List

Baltimore Ravens: 

Because football straddles it regular season and it’s play-off season across the New Yea’s holiday, the Ravens started 2013 as an elite team.  They sure as fuck aren’t elite now, and they don’t deserve to be thought of in that light at all.  The Ravens are getting juked out of their shoes on almost every single goddamn play and there’s no way an honest eye can look at them as being a playoff team in the AFC.  They probably couldn’t even beat an NFC East team, which really just makes them the top-shelf, Wal-Mart version of the San Diego Chargers. Speaking of which…

What We Learned From Week 7 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from whichever fat-bag ex-player they’ve trotted out who makes a $1,500 suit look like a bursting sausage casing with buttons, you probably also didn’t know that kit-flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

Think about that the next time you want to tell us how much soccer sucks.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit a few weeks ago, and in addition to the death certificates we mailed out last week, there’s another autopsy report to share with you.

Minnesota Vikings:

• Cause of Death: Multiple Organ Failure
• Autopsy Report: This  death didn’t exactly have an obscure pathology. Taking a guy who got run out of town by the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (holy living fuck, for the first time this century that phrase is not being used in reference to the Oakland Raiders) and making him your starting quarterback is like taking a needle from the arm of an Ebola patient and using it to shoot 30 cc’s of battery acid into your eyeball. Make no mistake, this team is dead. If it wasn’t the fact that you saw the Giants spreading Josh Freeman all over the turf like he was 250 pounds of Jif Extra Creamy Peanut Butter, if it wasn’t the fact that Adrian Peterson couldn’t get anywhere with the ball, then the sight of Christian Ponder sitting on the sidelines knowing full well he will never see the field again had to tell Viking fans everywhere this team is done.  The part that is hard for us to understand is that Ponder was HUGE in the Vikes’ playoff run last season, so what happened? He suddenly didn’t get any more mediocre; he’s been amazingly consistent in his level of meh. The simple fact is the entire team got worse.

CALLING BS ON IT: “NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT”‏

Baltimore Ravens wide receiver and part-time reality show dancing contestant Jacoby Jones got rained on this weekend

by Ryan Meehan

In this country, we seem to have a tendency to make rules to live by.  We very rarely place blame where it should go, and use silly little sayings to try and layout the blueprint for ethical success.

On Monday, a story came out that Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones who is rehabbing from a knee injury, was involved in a brawl on a party bus early Monday morning and was hurt when he was hit over the head by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle.  Within minutes, every single sports media twitwhistle that had a lapel mic was spewing one of the oldest sports clichés in the book when it comes to off the field behavior:

“Nothing good ever happens after midnight”

Personally, I think that statement is a crock of shit.  It’s completely false, and sets unreasonable expectations.  I’ll give you proof right now that this statement is garbage.  

What We Learned From Week Two of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.

1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one. 

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good.  When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs.  In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.”  Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes  to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.

If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2.  There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England.  For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview: AFC North

Unless you live in Ohio, you might want to go read about baseball, maybe hockey, anything other than NFL football. Chances are you are probably not going to like what follows, unless of course you have a accurate grasp on reality. If you do then nothing that follows should shock or surprise you.

Suffice to say, this isn’t your normal AFC North.

NFL Free Agent Extravaganza (In GIFs!)

Over the next couple days, the NFL will go bananas. Hundreds of players will be signed. Even more will get cut. And like every year, teams will sign players to REALLY bad contracts. Like any sport, the NFL is about money. Free Agency isn’t about outbidding other teams to scoop up the best players. It’s about finding bargains. The value that a guy brings to your team should always be equal or greater to what you’re paying him. For instance, JaMarcus Russell sucks. But I’d sign him in a second if he was willing to accept a one year, $200 stipend. (Which the NFL might allow since, you know, JaMarcus Russell) It’s all about value.

So let’s dive into it. Who’s signing who? Who’s been cut? Who’s been traded? And most importantly, what GIF will I use to describe the biggest transactions? Find out here!

I originally wanted to do this all in one page but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. So I’ll be posting each story individually as I go along.

Vikings trade Percy Harvin to the Seahawks for draft picks

Ravens Trade Anquan Boldin to the 49ers

Detroit Lions Sign Reggie Bush

Cleveland Browns Sign Paul Kruger

Denver Broncos Sign Wes Welker

Chicago Bears Sign Martellus Bennett and Jermon Bushrod 

Miami Dolphins Sign Mike Wallace 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Sign Deshon Goldson 

New England Patriots Sign Danny Amendola 

Update 3/14:

Matt Cassel, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Kevin Kolb Get Cut 

Atlanta Falcons Sign Steven Jackson 

Update 3/16:

Minnesota Vikings Sign Greg Jennings

Update 3/18:

St. Louis Rams Sign Jake Long

I will update this page with each new big-name free agent signing. Check back later!

Continue to Coach’s Rant for all the free agent coverage ->>

More than just a game, but less than a war.

There’s a certain amount of insanity that is intimately interwoven into the American sports experience. It’s the part of our obsession that drives us to not only spend a frightening amount of time thinking, talking and viewing it, but the part of our subconscious that convinces us to set cars on fire after the final event.

And that’s if our team WINS!

And at times it’s not even enough that our team wins, but that others must lose. I’ve realized over the last few weeks I am more angry and bitter about the Baltimore Ravens winning the Super Bowl than I was happy and proud when the Steelers won in 2005 or 2008. Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have the Steelers win the Superbowl or the Ravens go 0-16. I replied that if it meant the Ravens go 0-16, get relocated to Swamp Knee, Alabama and the entire city of Baltimore gets shit on/heartbroken the same way Cleveland did when that miserable whore of a franchise skipped town, I would gladly fore-go the last two Super Bowls and any possibility of another for the next decade.

(Read the rest here.)

SBM Exclusive Feature: Sports Doppelgangers, Volume 17

Not only does he look like television’s most famous mono-syllabic butler, he is every bit as charismatic. He may be a world champion (and soon to be a very, VERY rich one at that) but the dude is so painfully boring his own father calls him dull.

And according to NFL films he is also apparently one of the dumbest creatures on God’s green earth.

(Read the rest here..)