Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.
1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one.
Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good. When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs. In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.” Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.
If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2. There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England. For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.
Like we said, you’ll never be able to know in what direction the Patriots are headed due to Belichick’s lack of expression, which is a big part of how they’ve been able to maintain the illusion of calm. Bur Brady blew all that. To be fair, Brady still looks like he has a sense of organization in the pocket, but it seems like he’s having to re-teach his receivers how to run their routes and where to go when the ball ISN’T coming to them. What’s rteally fucked up is that Patriots fans seem intent on ignoring this deterioration is not new. It really started to happen with the Super Bowl XLVI loss, and was even further magnified when they lost to the Ravens at home in the AFC Championship game last year.
No matter how much you may want to deny this, the end of this game was the clincher. Patriot fans are going to spend this week making scapegoats out of D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold, while completely ignoring the fact nobody is intimidated by the Patriots anymore.
2) Nduamkong Suh is the textbook definition of a dirty player, and he will only be stopped by somebody taking his ass out.
Fines and suspensions just aren’t going to cut it with this guy. This is “golden rule” type of shit; it’s going to take somebody “returning the favor” by pretzel-izing this dickbreath’s knee or stomping his grapes into marmalade. That’s going to be the only way this butt-plug will figure out that the rest of the league doesn’t play football like that. You could announce more fines and suspensions than “Mean Gene” Okerlund used to on the old American Wrestling Association, and it would make about as much difference as a wrestling referee does. Maybe somebody needs to clothes-line this fucktard with a folding chair. In any event, his house is plumbed with hot and cold running money; fining him has the same effect as pumping Al Davis’ corpse with Viagra; you just can’t get more stiff than dead.
What’s even worse is now there are stories coming out that he is the kind of guy who threatened a cable guy working on a utility pole in Suh’s backyard with a pellet gun. You just really can’t get a clearer picture of how Suh’s entire roll is weak and backhanded. Whether it is kicking somebody in the nuts, trying to take out somebody’s knee, or pointing a Daisy air rifle at a cable guy, guys like Suh skirt the rules until one day the meet up with an offensive lineman who re-arranges his facial features or a cable guy who climbs poles with .357 magnum.
3) Would Native Americans be less offended if the Redskins didn’t suck?
Yeah, we get that is a deliberately loaded question, but it is really a setup for an even more loaded one. Who exactly is really offended here?
Before you get all huffy and try to play the “righteous indignation” card, take a moment to realize that the people who are offended by this are people who are on the prowl for things by which to be offended. There are two reasons why this is important. The first is that in America today, there is a cottage industry which has sprung up around begin “offended.” In this case, it matters because the entire convoluted “controversy ” over Native American mascots was pretty much dead thanks to the NCAA’s overt hypocrisy on the subject. J-Dub covered this in an episode of the Dubscast, and one of the key points he raised was that there really is no clear guideline for what is offensive and what isn’t.
Bearing that in mind, why did “Redskin” suddenly become offensive again? We certainly remember how it was offensive twenty years ago when the Redskins were winning Super Bowls; we also remember how it didn’t seem to matter much in the 5-11 Spurrier years. So, we can’t help but wonder why that the term became offensive again once the Redskins were relevant again. In other words, when nobody cared about the NFL in the nation’s capitol, social justice for Native Americans seemed to be adequate as long as they were allowed to build casinos and sell untaxed cigarettes. Once the Redskins were more than an obligatory score on a sports news crawl, all of a sudden the “everything about America sucks” crowd is all up in arms over this shit again. Why?
The answer is easy. The success of the Redskins means there is now a semblance of relevance to beating a dead horse nobody give a shit about anymore. These people (none of whom are Native Americans by the way…take notice of that anytime you see them on TV) actually need something to be offended by, and they will seek out whatever they can. These are college students who think their opinion matters, or recent graduates who are having a hard time realizing that even the Peace Corps can’t use Art History majors, and so the the fact that they made a series of bad decisions and spent a shitload of Daddy’s money to be virtually unemployable is somehow America’s fault.
Doubt this? Tell me the next time you hear anybody bitching about the Kansas City Chiefs. Until then, these people can all eat a giant bag of dicks.
The important part here is that the Redskins suck. More importantly, if Robert Griffin III were ANYBODY other than RGIII right now he would be getting ripped by every media institution in the sports world, and even by a few on other planets. That may not be the most fair thing in the world, but somebody deserves to get ripped here. Frankly, it should be Mike “”Shit, He’ll Be Fine” Shanahan. This guy may likely be responsible for the destruction of a franchise quarterback, and he won’t get a bit of the heat for it because he has two Super Bowl rings from the Paleozoic Era.
What really blows our doors off is how everybody says “Yeah, this read-option thing is really popular…” but when the people who actually know what they are talking about get into this discusssion, they always lead it with Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson. Do you think that’s a coincidence? Of course it isn’t, and the reason why is also pretty simple. Even if RGII was the player the media hyped him up to be last year, it is pretty fucking obvious he isn’t that player this year, and there’s a reason for that, not the least of which was Shanahan’s insistence then and now that RGIII’s fucked-up leg was fine when it clearly wasn’t. Oderus Urungus from Gwar made this same observation on Monday’s Dan Patrick show, and we ought to know that because Meehan has actually interviewed him.
Here’s the thing…If the Redskins don’t get this shit figured out toût de suite and they end up back as bottom-feeders in the NFC East (and that will be an accomplishment in and of itself given the sewage-like nature of that division…we’ll come back to that later), the NFL powers-that-be will ditch RGII as a favorite son, and next thing you know we all will be sifting through and then follow it up with another equally disappointing season, you can expect to sit through E.J. Manuel commercials when you are on YouTube waiting to stream the new Mumford and Sons video.
Of course we’re joking. Mumford and Sons will have all died of liver failure by then.
4) For Americans who hate soccer because there is no scoring, I give you the Browns vs. the Ravens.
Watching the first half of this game was like watching old people fuck. Seriously, once you watched the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens stumble-fuck their way to a 14-6 victory over the Cleveland Browns, all American anti-soccer arguments are now invalid. We aren’t saying you have to like soccer, in fact J-Dub loves having a sport to watch which is free of the usual American bullshit. But you do have to stop that “no scoring” crap. The NFL gives us at least four games every week that are like watching two sloths trying to break open a coconut with a rock, and there’s almost nothing worse than a bad NFL game this side of rectal surgery with mis-administered anesthesia.
As far as Cleveland v. Baltimore was concerned, if you discount the extra points, there were only a total of four scoring plays in this three-plus hour debacle.There’s more scoring than that in adapted floor hockey in the Special Olympics. Sure, we know that some European soccer leagues have more scoreless ties than prom night at a Mormon high school, but you would think that even this game would have given us more viewing entertainment than televised fishing.
On that note, lets’ not forget the first half of the Seattle – San Francisco game because only 5 points were scored in a total airtime of two hours and four minutes. That’s two scores in two hours, and that’s enough non-scoring to rival even the slowest-paced Italian teams (which are like watching dead people fuck). To be even more honest, J-dub is the soccer fan in this pairing; Meehan is the typical American who would rather masturbate with a belt sander than watch two hours of soccer. The point is they both agree the anti-soccer argument about the lack of scoring is complete bullshit considering the high number of NFL games that are as interesting as watching concrete harden.
Top that off with the number of NFL games that are blow-outs, and you get a shockingly high number of football games that are as interesting as watching a stripper with a fresh C-section scar. In fact, Meehan wrote a large part of his contribution to this piece in the fourth quarter of that 49er – Seahawk game which might as well have been electronic Ambien.
5) It’s STILL not too early to call Terrelle Pryor “JaMarcus II.”
The Jacksonville Jaguars are clearly the worst team in the NFL right now. While they are the victim for JaMarcus II’s first NFL win as a starting quarterback, there is still no cause to treat Terrelle Pryor with anything other than the “can’t play in this league” scorn that Tim Tebow got. Against the worst team in the league, Pryor still couldn’t score. He went 15 for 24 with 126 passing yards. He also rushed 9 times for 50 yards. Considering that he faces the Broncos next, a defense that picked off Eli Manning four times, but yet allowed 20+ points, it is quite conceivable Pryor posts career numbers next week. That’s not saying much given he only has to top 126 passing yards and 0 touchdowns.
6) The Manning Bowl: “Fetus-head” Triumphs over “Sling Blade”
“Fetus-head” leads the NFL with 9 touchdown passes, while “Sling Blade” leads it with 7 interceptions. That pretty much tells you how this turned out. But there’s a bigger story in play here. For the first three quarters of this game, CBS made this game into a Manning family home movie jack-off festival, until Eli sank the Giants by giving the football away at a pace unseen since a 2010 Jay Cutler behind an offensive line comprised of five cans of Spam.
Despite what happened Sunday, all that “Manning Bowl” shit just obscures the fact the NFL definitely has everything set in place so that the Mannings can succeed. If Cooper Manning somehow ended up quarterbacking an NFL team, the league would find a way for that team to play Jacksonville and Oakland at least 13 games a season. How else would a team that almost everyone expects to be a Super Bowl contender get a schedule like Denver has (being in the AFC West notwithstanding)? Even a coach as shitty as John Fox should be able to take a team with a defense as shitty as Denver’s to the 13-3 neighborhood. The AFC West is so weak there’s people already talking about the 2-0 Kansas City Chiefs as a playoff team. That will change after Andy Reid chokes on an entire rack of lamb after Week 5 (which will be really weird, because he usually takes mutton intravenously).
Anyway, Denver’s got an easier path to the play-offs than being the only customer with 10 items or less in a supermarket on Saturday afternoon. They’ve already beaten the last two Super Bowl champs in the Ravesn and Giants, and weeks 3-8 feature such pushovers as the Raiders, Philadelphia, Dallas, Jacksonville, and the Redskins who are dissolving faster than an Alka-Seltzer in a vat of nitric acid. The only play-off team they face in that span is a week 7 trip to Indianapolis, where you know there will be at least 15,ooo so-called Colts’ fans wearing Bronco Manning jerseys.
The remainder of the schedule gives Denver the possibly completely-disintegrated-by-then Patriots, the Titans, and the Chiefs and Chargers TWICE. Even J-Dub thinks his 45-year old rebuilt knees could run for 700 yards and eight touchdowns for the Broncos after their bye week. That means by the time they get to the Texans in week 16, they should have the division and even possibly home-field sewed up, and even if they need a cheap win after than, they get Oakland to close the regular season.
There are just too many NFL pundits who want you to believe the loss of Von Miller to the drug suspension matters. Elvis Dumervil left the building as well. Rahim Moore is still on the roster. It all is as relevant as the hairballs our cats hork up. In the regular season, the Broncos defense is as important as the length of Helen Keller’s cane. It may kill Denver in the play-offs, but before January it will matter about as much as anything Donny says in The Big Lebowski.
Now, to get the rest of this, you really have to blot Sunday afternoon from your memory. What happened in the Broncos-Giants game is like The Chinaman, and we all know The Chinaman is not the point here, Donny. The point is the NFL would give absolutely fucking anything to have the Manning brothers meet in the Super Bowl. If there were somebody who could guarantee that, Roger Goodell would waive his usual $1000 fee to suck their cock.
The Broncos and the Giants have the exact same inter-conference schedule. The Broncos get to play the shit-heaps of the NFC East (again, we are coming to that), and the Giants get to play the train-wrecks of the AFC West. They both get to play divisional schedules softer than 80-ply Charmin toilet paper. Even if the Giants are the NFL version of Fukushima, they still have had the road paved for them to make the Goodell wet dream of an Manning meeting in the swamps of the Meadowlands in February as attainable as anal sex with the “twerk” queen Miley Cyrus after she’s been paid and “Roofied.”
7) Speaking of the Giants, do you think they might want Ahmad Bradshaw back?
Once David Wilson proved his hanging on to the football was as reliable as the stability of a Kardashian marriage, can you imagine what the conversation was like in Tom Coughlin’s office? Ultimately, it ended with the re-signing of a guy they ran out of town (Brandon Jacobs), and the experiment upon which the Giants embarked has had the expected results.
Desperation is a stinky cologne, and the Giants are bathing in it. The Giants had no choice but to sign Jacobs; the alternative was used-up ponies like Willis McGahee or to see if Tom Coughlin himself had a few carries left in him. Let’s be honest; running backs with Jacobs’ size and athleticism don’t come along every day. After all, here was a guy that at one point in his career put up orgasmic numbers like 17 carries for 230 yards.
That was then; this is now. Sunday, the Giants had has 23 yards on the ground. That’s not a rushing attack; it’s an anxiety attack. We know people who have had seizures which traveled further than 23 yards. The Giants have immediate solution, but there is also an entire sub-text happening that we will never know about until Tom Coughlin writes his second book, or until Tiki Barber submits a foreword for the first one. The real point here is that the Giants can be horrible and still win 11 games and a Super Bowl.
8 ) Speaking of a suck-fest, the entire NFC East is garbage.
The other day, Meehan texted his friend Tim Pilichowski about the slate of games on Sunday afternoon. He got a response of “Parity don’t mean Quality.” There has never been a truer statement made. Right now, the NFL sucks because the difference between the Super Bowl Champion and the team with the first pick in the draft requires a micrometer to discover. Even bad teams have talent, and this is the most true in the NFC East. but in the NFC East Every one of these teams has a collection of talent that should be competitive, and yet this entire division has notched only two wins in the first two weeks, and both of those wins were against their own kind. In other words, just when you thought that the Cowboys shitting the bed against the Chiefs was bad enough, you realize that the only two wins inside this division were against other NFC East teams. For those of you who can’t do the math, that means the only reason anybody won is because SOMEBODY had to. That’s fucking pathetic.
Everything that you are seeing in that division right now is characteristic of bad execution and unprofessional play. The Cowboys’ inability to score a touchdown in the final 45 minutes of the Kansa City game was a glaring example that no matter who makes the playoffs from this division, it won’t make a difference in the long run. Don’t forget that is coming from two diehard NFC East fans that know when the prostitute they just picked up to tag-team is going to end up having a dick bigger than either of us. Just the thought of this continuing for fifteen more weeks is enough to make you want to rub her/his Adam’s apple for good luck.
9) Since when did the NFL become the fucking Weather Channel?
First of all, why did this all of a sudden become a problem? Look, we get it is a bit of a “duh” moment that if lightning is blasting into the stadium more often than Joe Theismann’s prostate leaks, then maybe people might want to not be arc-welded to their seats. We also get this is a safety concern, but it’s already happened three times this year, where it NEVER used to happen. Sunday’s night’s game was so ridiculous because their was no real threat. There was one freak lightning bolts, after which they played for a solid five minutes before taking a full hour to watch in do nothing but rain.
The worst part was when Al Michaels was forced to play weather bitch to a radar image, and beyond that, there is no fucking way we ever want to see or hear from Jim Cantore during a football game unless he is beating the shit out of Cris Collinsworth with a brick of dry ice.
But, here’s the big question. If now the NFL is so worried about weather, what the fuck are they going to do if some massive superstorm rips through New Jersey in February? Delay the Super Bowl? Postpone it? Put on a two-hour delay where Bruno Mars reminds how horrid pop music has become. More importantly, where does this stop? Are we coming to the day where we interrupt games in Jacksonville because they don’t have enough SPF 30 for all 359 fans at a Jaguars game?
We really cant’t help but wonder how Kyle Turley (whom Meehan interviewed right here on SBM) and the rest of the guys in the Gridiron Greats program who’ve been battered by crippling injuries think about all of this…
10) The undeserved scapegoat of the week – Christian Ponder.
OK, Vikings fans…It’s officially time to talk about how you can’t win with Christian Ponder. Don’t gt us wrong, Ponder sucks on whole wheat toast, but he isn’t the reason the Vikings can’t win.
There’s so much wrong with Minnesota that it could be it’s own article. But there’s parts of something J-Dub wrote before that clearly come into play here. Ponder is merely a symptom of the fact the Vikings simply do not understand the quarterback position. Follow that link and look at the list of sorry-ass quarterbacks the Viking have trotted out ever since Fran Tarkenton. It isn’t Christian Ponder’s fault the Vikes showed some typical Viking stupidity by drafting him with the 12th overall pick. It won’t be Ponder’s fault when the Vikings continue to try to make a starting quarterback out of sow’s ear.
Moreover, it is time for Viking fans to realize that team is as one-dimensional as the sex life of a Christian Scientist. Nobody has any respect for you ability the throw the damn ball, which means all they have to do is load up to stop Adrian Peterson. Sure, he still had 100 yards rushing, but he doesn’t get them when it matters, and that’s is entirely the fault of the play-calling and the dreadful nature of the offensive line. Anytime you don’t covert at least half of your third downs, you aren’t going to beat even a mediocre team like the Bears.
Sunday’s loss to the Bears should really be setting off alarms in Minnesota. The Vikings had every opportunity to win that game, and the Bears seemed to be doing their damnedest to lose it at every turn. Like we said, when a team struggles on offense in the red zone, it’s easy to pin that on the quarterback, and we may need to talk about getting the words “Bad Game Manager” put on Chrsitian Ponder’s drivers license. But it sure as shit isn’t Ponder’s fault the Viking defense let Martellus Bennett run untouched through the secondary with the game on the line.