Why You Shouldn’t Cheer For: The Denver Broncos

By J-Dub and Meehan

As part of Sports Blog Movement’s Super Bowl coverage, we are taking a page from J-Dubs own blog Dubsism. There, he made it a point to depart from the usual Super Bowl bluster; we aren’t here to tell you a bunch of shit about who’s going to win, why there going to win, and we sure as shit aren’t getting into those godawful “human interest” story about some third-string linebacker whose kid has a disease you never heard of.

This year, J-Dub is teaming up with SBM Managing Editor Ryan Meehan, whose dyspeptic rants make for the perfect complement to  J-Dubs’ “crabby old man” bullshit. As far as the Super Bowl is concerned, this means SBM will be taking the Dubsism bit about telling you why you shouldn’t cheer for either contestant, and giving it the twist only SBM can give you.

Having said that, here’s why you shouldn’t cheer for the Denver Broncos.

The Extremely Cliche Super Bowl XLVIII Preview

It’s Super Bowl week, and the football fans in Seattle and Denver are really starting to get excited about their favorite team’s chances at winning the Lombardi Trophy. This game is incredibly important for both franchises, as each team looks to take advantage of their respective championship windows. In this post, we will discuss what to look for in this game and what each team must do to win all of the marbles.

The No. 1 offense versus the No. 1 defense

Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos have been putting up points by the bunches — in fact, the Broncos are scoring an average of 37.9 points per game. The reason that the Broncos were able to score so much was because of the prolific passing season that Peyton Manning put up during the regular season: he had a completion of percentage of 68.3%, a passer rating of 115.1, and averaged 12.2 yard per completion.

Meanwhile the Seahawks’ defense has been exceptional at stopping the pass throughout the regular season. This defense has one of the best secondaries in the last decade. In fact, the Hawks only allowed 5.8 yards per pass during the regular season; that’s really impressive because of the new rules that make it almost impossible for defenders to do their jobs. Of course, there is this pervasive idea out there that the Hawks won’t be able to stop Peyton Manning and his quick release.

Peyton Manning’s quick release will beat the Hawks’ pass rush

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What We Learned From the NFL Divisional Round and What It Means For the Conference Championships

By J-Dub and Meehan

It’s no secret the NFL is king in America, and nothing proves it quite like Conference Championship Sunday.  It’s like this:  If you live in the Eastern Time Zone like J-Dub, the games are on at 3 and 6:30 p.m.  If you live in the Central Time Zone like Meehan, they air at 2 and 5:30.  What that means is that the NFL basically doesn’t give a fuck about you eating dinner.  They know no matter what your usual schedule is, you’re going to break it, and you’re going to do so with a bigger smile on your face than a lonely guy who just got mailed a Viagra sample and a free weekend of Cinemax.

Not pictured: The people in this family who matter

Kommissar Goodell and the rest of the NFL Politburo know that, and that’s why they schedule these games making sure that 80% of the U.S. population has to choose between football and feeding themselves. Do you think it is a coincidence that one of the league’s biggest stars spends his time hawking those tomato-sauce herpes discs Papa John’s flings?  Face it, the people who think that shit is good pizza are…well…the people who think that shit is good pizza.

What We Learned From Week 11 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Up until now, we’ve been consulting our medical expert Dr. Kelly Brackett for his prognoses on NFL teams. But now that we are clearly in the homestretch, it’s time to shift our focus from the survivors and the casualties to an analysis of the survival of the fittest. That means we change our expert as well; rather than looking for overall health, this becomes an exercise in actuarials…or to make it sound less insurance-like..it’s time to look at the odds of each possible contender making the play-offs.  For that, we have invited legendary movie odds-maker Sam “Ace” Rothstein for his thoughts.

AFC:

1) Indianapolis Colts (7-3)

Remaining Games:

• @Arizona
• Tennessee
• @Cincinnati
• Houston
• @Kansas City
• Jacksonville

Odds of Making Play-offs:

Metaphysical certainty. Steal as much money as you can get your hands on, then bet twice that much that Indianapolis will be in the play-offs.

Key Facts:

With six games to go, the Colts have a three-game lead in the AFC South over their closest competitor, and they just beat them on the road with a dramatic comeback victory.The Colts will make the playoffs because no one else in the AFC South will step up and challenge them.  The Titans are in second place, and the other two teams might as well be Terri Schiavo two days after they yanked her feeding tube.  They’ve already beaten Seattle, San Francisco, and the Broncos, and by the time they get to the Kansas City Chiefs, both teams could be just resting up for January.

What We Learned From Week 8 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from concussion poster children like Merrill Hoge, you probably also didn’t know that tetherball originated as  ninth-century Tatar war ritual that involved chopping off the head of your dead enemy, tying it to a pole, and beating the shit out of it.

Think about that the next time you drive by an elementary school. Now let’s learn something about this week in the NFL. 

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

Philadelphia Eagles

• Cause of Death: Vick-Barkley Syndrome
• Autopsy Report with Bonus Comment:  For the record, Meehan accurately projected how the Eagles would start this game.  Ah yes…here it is…

“But after all that, really – it’s a 60% capacity Michael Vick versus Eli.  And after Vick leaves the game because he aggravates that hamstring yet again, it’ll be Matt Barkley in his place.”

What We Learned From Week 7 of the 2013 NFL Season

By J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from whichever fat-bag ex-player they’ve trotted out who makes a $1,500 suit look like a bursting sausage casing with buttons, you probably also didn’t know that kit-flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

Think about that the next time you want to tell us how much soccer sucks.

1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:

We started this bit a few weeks ago, and in addition to the death certificates we mailed out last week, there’s another autopsy report to share with you.

Minnesota Vikings:

• Cause of Death: Multiple Organ Failure
• Autopsy Report: This  death didn’t exactly have an obscure pathology. Taking a guy who got run out of town by the most dysfunctional franchise in the NFL (holy living fuck, for the first time this century that phrase is not being used in reference to the Oakland Raiders) and making him your starting quarterback is like taking a needle from the arm of an Ebola patient and using it to shoot 30 cc’s of battery acid into your eyeball. Make no mistake, this team is dead. If it wasn’t the fact that you saw the Giants spreading Josh Freeman all over the turf like he was 250 pounds of Jif Extra Creamy Peanut Butter, if it wasn’t the fact that Adrian Peterson couldn’t get anywhere with the ball, then the sight of Christian Ponder sitting on the sidelines knowing full well he will never see the field again had to tell Viking fans everywhere this team is done.  The part that is hard for us to understand is that Ponder was HUGE in the Vikes’ playoff run last season, so what happened? He suddenly didn’t get any more mediocre; he’s been amazingly consistent in his level of meh. The simple fact is the entire team got worse.

What We Learned From Week Two of the 2013 NFL Season

by J-Dub and Meehan

Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from guys like Merrill Hoge and Trent Dilfer, you probably also think the earth is flat and that Kennedy was assassinated by Daffy Duck.

1) Either the Jets aren’t that bad, or the Patriots aren’t that good: Pick one. 

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here; the Patriots aren’t that good.  When you see Tom Brady mugging, screaming, and eye-rolling at his receivers, you know that Patriots offense is more out-of-sync than a 1985 Yugo with bad spark plugs.  In contrast, when the Orlando Magic were in their heyday, Shaquille O’Neal once famously called coach Stan Van Gundy the “master of panic.”  Bill Belichick couldn’t be more opposite when it comes  to being so stoic people are worried pigeons might start shitting on him, but make no mistake. Brady’s antics show there is panic in Foxboro.

If you are the Patriots, this is exactly the time to start panicking. In all fairness, the Patriots could easily be 0-2.  There’s exactly four points separating them from being winless. They haven’t covered the spread yet. They were beat by Buffalo for 59 minutes, and they played down to the level of the sorry-ass Jets, so we can clearly understand why there’s a panic breaking out in New England.  For all of us who have had to suffer through the pretentious attitude Patriot fans are known for, we love hearing the panic in your voices, because it’s better than your tacky Boston accent that sounds like somebody left an audio interview of Godsmack on in the background.

Sports Blog Movement NFL Preview: AFC West

What’s up kids? I’m here to talk to you about the AFC West!

This might just be the worst division in the NFL.  Take away the Denver Broncos and you’re left with a fat sack of bad. It wasn’t always so. The Chargers were once a perennial 10+ win team. Believe it or not, of the four teams, the Raiders have the most divisional championships. The Chiefs use to be… well on second thought, the Chiefs were always terrible. This division is sure to be a train wreck. One that you’ll get to witness mid-afternoons on CBS (because you know, these teams are too cool to start their games at 12 PM Central Time like everyone else.)

1. Denver Broncos (13-3)

Additions: WR Wes Welker (NE), RB Monte Ball (Draft), C Dan Koppen (NE)

Losses: RB Willis Mcgahee, OLB Elvis Dumervil

Let’s face it, the Broncos have Peyton Manning. Ergo, the Broncos will win a lot of games. Their biggest strength lies in their passing game. Manning has a ridiculous amount of weapons at his disposal in Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker and Wes Welker. Their Running Back situation is in flux but it won’t really matter. No team in their right mind will load the box against Peyton Manning. A one-legged Chimpanzee could play Running Back for the Broncos and end up with a 700 yard season.

Defensively, the loss of Von Miller for the first six games will certainly hurt. Without Miller who had 18.5 sacks last season, the next best pass rusher on the team is Derek Wolfe with a meager 6.0 sacks. Elvis Dumervil is also gone, so for the first part of the season, the Broncos will have trouble generating a pass rush. However, the defensive backfield is as solid as ever. Champ Bailey and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie make up one of the best Corner Back tandems in the league. Rahim Moore and Mike Adams are both solid NFL Safeties. The defense should be able to do enough to help Manning. This team will look unstoppable during the regular season. Just think where this team would be now if they would’ve kept Tim Tebow. Eat your heart out Skip Bayless.

2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

Additions: T Eric Fisher (Draft), QB Alex Smith (SF), WR Donnie Avery (IND), TE Anthony Fasano (MIA), Head Coach Andy Reid (PHI)

Losses: RB Peyton Hillis, WR Steve Breaston, QB Matt Cassel, QB Brady Quinn, TE Kevin Boss

Hey! What do ya know! The Chiefs have… a QUARTERBACK! They finally got the memo from HR. I mean, it’s probably important to have a Quarterback, but I don’t know, that could just be logic talking. Wow 9-7! That’s a big deal for the Chiefs! Alex Smith will be a GOD in Kansas City. He’s not even that good, but shit! You can’t get much worse than Lady Quinn. The offense has a decent amount of weapons with Dwane Bowe, Dexter McCluster and Jamaal Charles. They’ll end up somewhere in the middle of the pack offensively.

The real key to the Chiefs’ success this year will be their defense. The Chiefs’ D is stacked with young talent. Tyson Jackson and Dontari Poe are two up-and-coming Defensive Linemen. Derrick Johnson is still doing his thing at 97 years old. Tamba Hali is the best pass-rushing Outside Linebacker that no one talks about. Justin Houston will be a stud Linebacker someday. On the back end, you have a young Eric Berry at Safety who is blooming into a superstar. Cornerbacks Brandon Flowers and Dunta Robinson are two borderline Pro-Bowl players. Overall, Andy Reid and the gang will surprise a lot of people this year. Two years from now, they’ll probably go 2-14 again. But for now, WOO HOO!

3. San Diego Chargers (6-10)

Additions: T DJ Flunker (Draft), WR Keenan Allen (Draft), RB Danny Woodhead (NE), WR Eddie Royal (DEN)

Losses: TE Dante Rosario, LB Shaun Phillips

I feel bad for Phillip Rivers. I really do. “Okay Phil, here’s the plan: We’re gonna take away all your receiving weapons and give you no running game. Sound good? You’ll still be able to put up those big numbers right?” Now sure, Rivers has made his fair share of mistakes as well. But come on dude! Give him something to work with. Malcolm Floyd? Really? All defenses have to do is quadruple-team Antonio Gates and Rivers is screwed. There haven’t been any changes over the off-season that make me think 2013 will be any different from last year. Ryan Matthews is still fumbly and injured. The Offensive Line (which gave up the forth most sacks last year) is still a mess. The Charger’s number two receiver is Vincent Brown. Yeah… Vincent Brown. Good luck with that, Phillip.

Defensively, no one really scares me. Shaun Phillips (last year’s sack leader) is gone. Kendall Reyes and Cam Johnson (Who? and Who?) are set to start on the Defensive Line along side the above-average Corey Liuget. Manti Te’o is there. So there’s that. Derek Cox and Eric Weddle are the only two Defensive Backs worth noting. The aging Dwight Freeney was brought in to provide what ever pass rush he has left in those old bones. Overall, I’m unimpressed. The Chargers will toil away in mediocrity, beating playoff teams and getting blown out by shit teams. They’ll look playoff bound one week and the next week they’ll have six turnovers and look like they’ve never seen a football before. When it’s all said and done, they’ll finish under .500 and it’ll be back to the drawing board.

4. Oakland Raiders (1-15)

Additions: QB Matt Flynn (SEA), WR/KR Josh Cribbs (CLE), QB Tyler Wilson (Draft), RB Rashad Jennings (JAX), LB Nick Roach (CHI)

Losses: QB Carson Palmer, WR Darius Heyward-Bey, TE Brandon Meyers, RB Mike Goodson

Do the Oakland Raiders know they’re a football team? Seriously? This has to be the sorriest excuse for a roster that I’ve ever seen. Matt Flynn? That’s your answer? Flynn could maybe be as good as Matt Cassel was in Kansas City. That means his best-case scenario is playing like shit for a couple years, getting injured and then listening to the fans cheer as he gets carted off the field. Denarius Moore and Rod Streator are his biggest weapons… Jesus. Darren McFadden will get injured like always. Once Matt Flynn gets benched, his back up is Terrelle Pryor. So that should be fun.

On the defensive side, I’ve heard of like three players. Charles Woodson will start at Free Safety since he’s too old and slow to play Corner Back anymore. Tyvon Branch is a decent Strong Safety. Tracey Porter and Mike Jenkins will start at Corner Back. Their most notable Linebacker is Nick Roach. Sio Moore and Kevin Burnett are the other two Linebackers. Lamarr Houston, Vance Walker, Pat Sims and Jason Walker make up the Defensive Line. See what I mean? Like what the fuck?

This is going to be a shit show. No. Worse than that. This is going to be an unmitigated three-day County Fair and Music Festival of shit– a shit Carnival. A shit Extravaganza. A shit Circus! Come one, come all! Pack up the cooler and cram the kids into the SUV. Don’t be the guy that misses out on all the fun and excitement! 

NFL Free Agent Extravaganza (In GIFs!)

Over the next couple days, the NFL will go bananas. Hundreds of players will be signed. Even more will get cut. And like every year, teams will sign players to REALLY bad contracts. Like any sport, the NFL is about money. Free Agency isn’t about outbidding other teams to scoop up the best players. It’s about finding bargains. The value that a guy brings to your team should always be equal or greater to what you’re paying him. For instance, JaMarcus Russell sucks. But I’d sign him in a second if he was willing to accept a one year, $200 stipend. (Which the NFL might allow since, you know, JaMarcus Russell) It’s all about value.

So let’s dive into it. Who’s signing who? Who’s been cut? Who’s been traded? And most importantly, what GIF will I use to describe the biggest transactions? Find out here!

I originally wanted to do this all in one page but ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. So I’ll be posting each story individually as I go along.

Vikings trade Percy Harvin to the Seahawks for draft picks

Ravens Trade Anquan Boldin to the 49ers

Detroit Lions Sign Reggie Bush

Cleveland Browns Sign Paul Kruger

Denver Broncos Sign Wes Welker

Chicago Bears Sign Martellus Bennett and Jermon Bushrod 

Miami Dolphins Sign Mike Wallace 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Sign Deshon Goldson 

New England Patriots Sign Danny Amendola 

Update 3/14:

Matt Cassel, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Kevin Kolb Get Cut 

Atlanta Falcons Sign Steven Jackson 

Update 3/16:

Minnesota Vikings Sign Greg Jennings

Update 3/18:

St. Louis Rams Sign Jake Long

I will update this page with each new big-name free agent signing. Check back later!

Continue to Coach’s Rant for all the free agent coverage ->>

Perhaps Peyton Manning Could Use The Heimlich Maneuver

FACT: In three years at Tennessee, Peyton Manning never beat main rival Florida.

FACT: Peyton Manning now owns a 9-11 playoff record as a starting quarterback.

FACT: In 8 of Manning’s 12 career playoff appearances, his team has failed to win a single game.

FACT: Peyton Manning is 0-4 in playoff games in temperatures below 40 degrees.

FACT: Manning is now tied with Brett Favre for the most playoff losses by a starting quarterback in NFL history.

Worse yet, the link to Favre is even more disturbing because of the way Manning lost Saturday’s play-off game against Baltimore.  That interception which drove the final nail in the Broncos looked so much like the one Favre threw that tanked the Minnesota Vikings against the Saints in the 2009 NFC championship game. Just like Favre, late in the game, Manning commits the cardinal sin of throwing back across his body into the middle of the field. The loss was inevitable from that point, but it isn’t like you couldn’t see it coming.