Yet another week has passed in the sportsgasm that is the NFL season, and that means it is time for us to tell you some things you need to know without the self-serving spin those assbags at ESPN will never give you. We know this because if you think you can get real football information from concussion poster children like Merrill Hoge, you probably also didn’t know that tetherball originated as ninth-century Tatar war ritual that involved chopping off the head of your dead enemy, tying it to a pole, and beating the shit out of it.
Think about that the next time you drive by an elementary school. Now let’s learn something about this week in the NFL.
1) Your Official Dr. Kelly Brackett NFL Death Watch:
- Cause of Death: Vick-Barkley Syndrome
- Autopsy Report with Bonus Comment: For the record, Meehan accurately projected how the Eagles would start this game. Ah yes…here it is…
“But after all that, really – it’s a 60% capacity Michael Vick versus Eli. And after Vick leaves the game because he aggravates that hamstring yet again, it’ll be Matt Barkley in his place.”
- Cause of Death: Overrated Starlet Pill Overdose Syndrome
- Autopsy Report: Raise your hand if you thought the Redskins could really win that game against Denver when they were ahead 21-7 ? Anyone….Buelller? Anyone? Anybody whose hand is up right now needs to be douses in some serious shithead antidote because everybody with a functioning cerebral cortex knew on the Redskins were going to do EVERYTHING in their power to blow that game. It only took about ten minutes for it to happen. Not to mention, how long it is going to take for all the RGIII apologists to realize that his lack of performance now has nothing to do wtih that knee injury?
2) Teams That Had Better Get A Full Physical Really Fucking Quick
Yeah they won, and they way they won in such a dramatic manner is just the guy whose dying of a heart-attack convincing himself he’s only got indigestion. There’s a reason the Lions are only the second team ever to win an NFL game with a -4 turnover ratio. You simply don’t win when you give away the football. It’s also important to note that they played from behind most of the second half. Teams with the kind of weapons the Lions have should have sliced through the Cowboys’ defense like the Wehrmacht rolling across France in 1940. This is how statistics become that fatal-disease masker; because of the huge day that Megatron had, you’re unlikely to hear that bosh him and Reggie Bush fumbled in this game.
In and of itself, the way they lost this game suggests that the Cowboys are clearly in the early stages of Gangrene Diabetic Cancer AIDS. Oh, and Dez Bryant is once again a head case. The Cowboys defense is beyond atrocious, and by “beyond atrocious” we mean “depending on them to save a game for you will give you same effect as being raped anally with a flaming machete.” A squad that gave up 51 points to the Broncos and another 31 to the Lions might just be able to give up at least 25 to the local Catholic high school.
If the NFL has shown us anything, its that you can get a pass on this kind of shit if you have a quarterback who everybody in the media fellates on a regular basis (we are about to mention this phenomena in regards to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning). But when your quarterback is Tony Romo, you will never get the same pass because, frankly… you have Tony Romo.
As far as Dez Bryant is concerned, if he’s not careful he is going to become the most-hated hated man in the NFL who hasn’t turned puppies into Puppy Chow. electrocuted dogs. A sure sign you are on the express train to Hated City is when fanbases who really have no football-related reason to hate you spend hours filling Facebook and Twitter with posts suggesting you should be left on a deserted island with a pack of rabid spider monkeys.
New England Patriots
Part of dying from “indigestion” that is really a heart-attack is ignoring the symptoms. Nobody is in a bigger state denial than Patriots’ fans right now. A few weeks ago, this team was 4-0 and gutting out wins against Super Bowl contenders. Since then, they are a .500 team who can’t beat good team on the road (the debacle at Cincinnati is the “preview of coming attractions” for the Patriots in the playoffs) and has to manufacture wins against bad teams at home (there’s really no reason other than the mediocrity of the Dolphins that New England wan’t behind by three scores at halftime on Sunday). For all the “once we get Gronk and Amendola back” stuff we’ve been hearing for weeks, the fact is that without a missed field goal and three gift turnovers, the Patriots would have lost that game. Despite the fact they are 6-2, the Patriots simply are not playing good football; they are the biggest “smoke and mirrors” job since Hollywood had to quit pretending Rock Hudson was heterosexual.
If we could change on thing about American sports media, we would go to Bristol, Connecticut and storm the campus of ESPN and use the fire department’s “jaws of life” to get Peyton Manning’s cock out of their collective throats. Remember how a few weeks ago all we heard about was Peyton Manning was never going to throw another interception again in the history of football as we know it? Well, that shit stopped really quick largely because he’s chucked six of them in his last four games, including three on Sunday. Funny how nobody’s mentioned that, or has mentioned the fact the Broncos defense couldn’t stop payment on a post-dated four-party check. Funny how the folks in Bristol keep talking about the Broncos as a Super Bowl contender all while defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio is burning up USC athletic director Pat Haden’s phone lobbying for the Trojan head coaching job.
Green Bay Packers
If the Packers don’t get a big-time team of orthopedic surgeons and faith healers soon, they just might need a priest. The Packers have suffered more casualties than the French Army at Dien Bien Phu; their receiving corps alone is thinner than an Ethiopian runway model with a tapeworm. Even dim-bulbs like Cris Collinsworth have figured this out. The second half of the Packer-Viking game Sunday night was so unwatchable the NBC people kept showing shots of guys you never heard of in sky-boxes and kicking around trade possibilities that won’t happen, because trades happen in the NFL as often as hostage exchanges do in Syria.
3) Let’s talk about the three best teams in the AFC.
Kansas City Chiefs
Honestly, the Chiefs’ could not have come at a worse time. It’s right in the middle of the season; it’s literally 8-bye-8. Most team take a week off during their bye, but that is the LAST fucking thing the Chiefs should do. Nobody needs to keep their winning momentum more than the sole undefeated team left in the league. We don’t care if they have to sign up for a YMCA flag league to keep their minds on the game; the worst thing that they can do right now is relax., especially they don’t get a second half schedule full of the NFC Least. They have to deal with the Broncos and the not-that-shitty Chargers twice, not to mention a week 16 visit from the Colts.
We told you last week that two teams not to fuck with right now were the Colts and the Bengals. Well, after you saw the complete and total dismantling Cincinnati laid on the Jets last week, and the stymie-job they handed the Patriots, perhaps it is time to notice that the Queen City Kitties only face one team with a winning record between now and the playoffs (Colts in Week 14)
Speaking of the Colts, this team has an A-List quarterback, a balanced offense, and a defense that doesn’t suck. Don’t look now, but they’ve already beaten the Broncos, Seahawks and 49ers. But look at the two team we already mentioned; the Colts have to visit both of them.
Next week, we’ll talk about three teams in the NFC to watch for.