Tag Archives: Ex-Kickers Round Table

SBM Exclusive Feature: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table On NFL Contenders and Pretenders in 2013

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With the NFL season fast approaching, it is once again time to break out our resident crew of NFL experts. In case you have forgotten, Sports Blog Movement retained five ex-NFL kickers to serve as a “McLaughlin Group” style discussion pane. The reason why we picked kickers is actually quite simple.

First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, with the exception of Uwe von Schamann, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?

With that being said, allow us to re-familiarize you with our panel, then you can take in their takes on who will be the winners and the losers in the NFL in 2013.

Ex-Kicker: Ali Haji-Shiekh

For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80′s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career.  Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it.  Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so  including him on the panel was a no-brainer.  In fact, his caustioc wit and short temper is exactly why we made him the moderator 

Ex-Kicker: Rick Danmeier

Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.

Ex-Kicker: Donald Igwebuike

After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C. taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.

Ex-Kicker: Efren Herrera

America never seemed to suit Herrera.  After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.

Ex-Kicker: Uwe von Schamann

After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the  into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970′s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.

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SBM Exclusive Feature: The Ex-Kickers Round Table on the NFL Conference Championships – With Bonus Poll Questions!

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If you aren’t familiar with the Ex-Kickers Round Table, you can read their biographies here. In short, the Ex-Kickers Round Table is SBM’s panel retained to give insights on the NFL and whatever other topics they might stumble into. Your moderator is Ali Haji-Shiekh.

Ali Haji-Shiekh: Well, gentlemen, we all made some predictions before the play-offs started and some of those predictions laid a giant turd.  Uwe Von Schamamm, you had the most epic fail when it came to predictions. All four of the teams you had in this weekend’s Conference Championship ate it harder than Rachel Maddow in an edible panty store. You had the Seahawks against the Vikings, and the Colts against Broncos. What the hell happened?

Uwe Von Schamamm: Early in that first-round game against Green Bay, it became clear the Vikings rely far too much on Adrian Peterson.

Rick Danmeier: Aw, hell, I could have told you that.

Donald Igwebuike: Yeah, because you missed that EXACT same problem with RGIII and the Redskins.

Danmeier: Yeah, I did. But did you see that field in Washington? I’ve plowed fields that looked better than that. And I’ve shot horses with legs in worse shape than Griffin’s, too.

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SBM Exclusive Feature:The Ex-Kickers Round Table On The 2012 NFL Playoffs

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by J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming.  That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed.  In that spirit, the Sports Blog Movement has assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible.

You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?

With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.

Moderator Ali Haji-Shiekh 

For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80′s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career with the New York Giants and Washington Redskins.  Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it.  Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so  including him on the panel was a no-brainer.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Contributor Rick Danmeier

Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.

Contributor Donald Igwebuike

After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.

Contributor Efren Herrera

America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.

Contributor Uwe von Schamann

After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the  into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970′s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.

{2K (s) + 2H2O (l) → 2KOH (aq) + H2 (g)} = A big mess, just like this panel.

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A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table on the NFL Draft – The “Manning Effect”

If you aren’t familiar with our Ex-Kicker’s Round Table, you can see their biographies here. The long story short is that here at Sports Blog Movement, we have retained this group of ex-Kickers as our own sporting version of the McLaughlin Group. With the NFL Draft approaching, we noticed that each member of our group just happens to be from a team who has some interesting choices to make when the draft rolls around in a few months.

As we said in the last installment of the Ex-Kicker’s Round Table,  SBM’s moderator of this group lives in Indiana where the Colts are easily the biggest story of all in this draft.  Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know the Colts dropped a bomb (albeit an expected one) on the draft/free agency market when they released Peyton Manning this past week. While that story has been seriously over-covered, what is not being said is how this move effects almost every other team in the league.

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A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table – Introducing a New Take on NFL Draft Coverage

If you aren’t familiar with our Ex-Kicker’s Round Table, you can see their biographies here. The long story short is that here at Sports Blog Movement, we have retained this group of ex-Kickers as our own sporting version of the McLaughlin Group. With the NFL Draft approaching, we noticed that each member of our group just happens to be from a team who has some interesting choices to make when the draft rolls around in a few months. We thought it might not be a bad idea to use those connections to offer some in-depth draft coverage on those teams. Not only that, but SBM’s moderator of this group, our very own J-Dub, lives in Indiana where the Colts are easily the biggest story of all in this draft.

Ex-Kicker: Ali Haji-Shiekh

Team He Is Covering: New York Giants

What They Need: Running Back, Linebacker

The Initial Assessment: The Giants have the thirty-second overall pick in the first round

J-Dub happens to believe Robert Turbin is the sleeper pick of the draft. J-Dub also drinks enough bourbon to float a battleship. This guy may very well be a sleeper, but there’s no way the Giants take him at this pick. If he’s still around in the third round, then maybe. As crazy as it seems, I think the G-men are going to draft to their strength, which means they take Andre Branch, DE/OLB from Clemson. Don’t forget, people thought taking Mathias Kiwinuka and Jean-Pierre Paul when they did was crazy too, and that seemed to work out just fine. Also, don’t forget that Osi Umeniyora could very well find himself traded before draft day, the Giants could use help at linebacker, and Jerry Reese has a history of not reaching for a guy in early rounds to fill needs. Branch shows outstanding speed and natural athleticism, and the fact he can play either DE or OLB offers versatility that defensive coordinator Perry Fewell loves.

Ex-Kicker: Rick Danmeier

Team He Is Covering: Minnesota Vikings

What They Need: Offensive Line, Defense in General

The Initial Assessment: The Vikings have the 3rd overall pick in the first-round

I reckon J-Dub already said this, and I agree if that Matt Kalil feller is still on the board at #3, the Vikings have to take him. Trouble is that a blue-ribbon hog like that ain’t gonna last until 3rd pick. As much as the Vikings need some big boys up front, there just ain’t another prize hog to take at this high of a pick. This is why I reckon the Vikings wilkl go defense, because they sucked ditch water there too. Here’s some stats that didn’t come from this weeks’ farm report.

The Vikings’ defense allowed gave up 251.2 yards per game last season.  They also allowed opposing QBs to complete 68.2% of their passes, and only snagged 8 interceptions. I figure the Vikings take Morris Claiborne, the cornerback from LSU. The trouble is that while the Vikings have a league-leading pass rush (50 sacks last season), they still can’t defend the pass, which is why it makes sense to me to take the best corner in this here draft.

I also figure even though the offense runs like an inbred mule after it got into Uncle Burford’s corn-mash still, they somehow managed to finish 19th in the league in points per game scored, which put them ahead of two playoff teams, and that was with a rookie quarterback after gettin’ rid of that McNabb feller, and an offensive line that couldn’t push a feed trough. To me, that means you can deal with that problem later on down this draft.

Ex-Kicker: Donald Igwebuike

Team He Is Covering: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

What They Need: More Weapons on Offense

The Initial Assessment: The Buccaneers have the fifth overall pick in the first round

The first-round for the Buccaneers is straight-forward, fool! Justin Blackmon or Trent Richardson. Whichever one is left on the board, that’s who the Bucs take. That offense needs more than Josh Freeman and LeGarrette Blount. Like gold chains, you can never have enough offensive weapons.

Ex-Kicker: Efren Herrera

Team He Is Covering: Dallas Cowboys

What They Need: Offensive Line, Quarterback, Defensive Secondary

The Initial Assessment: The Cowboys have the fourteenth overall pick in the first round

Ay, Los Cowboys got plenty of money under that gringo salary cap, so you can bet that pendejo Jerry Jones will go get some hired guns on the free-agent market. This is why I think they will take Dre Kirkpatrick, the defensive back from Alabama. I know he’s muy loco in the cabeza, but that hombre brings  size, speed, and he’s not afraid to tackle…these are things you don’t see in corners very often. Plus, Terence Newman is an old war horse, I think Los Cowboys will have to shoot…I mean release him to get out from under that 8 million salary.

Ex-Kicker: Uwe von Schamann

Team He Is Covering: Miami Dolphins

What They Need: Quarterback, Running Back, Defensive Help

The Initial Assessment: The Dolphins have the eighth overall pick in the first round

While it is true mein Dolphins have just hired an offensive coordinator as head coach, they have no offensive weapons. We made this same mistake at Normandy when we placed Rommel, a gifted offensive leader, in command of a defensive battle. Field Marshal Joe Philbin is no Rommel, but he is no dumbkopf either. He understands this team will need to improve its defensive capabilities at firsts; he is moving from the Maginot-like 3-4 to a more Ziegfried-like 4-3.  Expect the Dolphins to take Quinton Coples, the über-mann defensive end from North Carolina. At the Senior Bowl, he sliced through blockers like von Schlieffen went through Belgium. Matching him with Cameron wake give the Dolphins the ability to blitzkrieg the enemy rear areas. If the Dolphins get Coples, I expect our rematch with Stalingrad will have quite a different ending.

Moderator: J-Dub

Team He Is Covering: Indianapolis Colts

What They Need: Pretty Much Everything

The Initial Assessment: The Colts have the first overall pick in the first round

This is the biggest “no-brainer” in this draft. The Manning era in Indianapolis is over, and this is the Colts’ best opportunity to turn the page. It’s time to release Manning, draft Luck, and build for the future.

The big trouble with this situation is there is so much smoke to cut through before you can even see the fire. First off, there’s the medical drama “As The Neckbone Turns,” in which every day brings another rail car full of speculation as to Peyton Manning’s real status.

Then there’s the matter of what the Colts will do with this pick. Forget the trade talk, forget the Robert Griffin III talk; the Colts will take Andrew Luck or a civil war may break out in Indiana. Hoosiers from far and wide will arm themselves with torches and pitchfork and storm Jim Irsay’s house. Short of that, all this talk of doing anything other than drafting Luck is all another smoke-screen designed to get every other team in the league to waste time and effort screwing around in a never-ending “what if” game with their own draft boards.

The real key to what the post-Manning era in Indianapolis will be in the later rounds of this draft. Do the Colts employ a new philosophy in a post-Manning which includes a bigger emphasis on defense? Do they try to build a running game to help out their franchise quarterback? Or do they decide to control the line of scrimmage on one or both sides of the ball? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world will have to wait for April to know.

Stay tuned to Sports Blog Movement as we approach draft day. The Ex-Kickers will be updating as events dictate!

–  J-Dub

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A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table – The Super Bowl Recap Edition

Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming.  That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed.  In that spirit, the Sports Blog Movement has assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible, moderated by SBM’s own J-Dub.

You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?

With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.

Ali Haji-Shiekh 

For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80’s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career.  Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it.  Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so  including him on the panel was a no-brainer.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Rick Danmeier

Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.

Donald Igwebuike

After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.

Efren Herrera

America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.

Uwe von Schamann

After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the  into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970’s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.

J-Dub: Well Gentlemen, two of you had the Patriots, and two of you had the Giants. Lets’ start with one sentence each…your key moment of the game. Ali, your old team wins it’s 4th Super Bowl…seems fitting we let you tee off today’s discussion.

Haji-Shiekh: Key moment for me…the Chase Blackburn interception.

Igwebuike: I really thought the Patriots were going to take control after Brady drove them down the field at the end of the 2nd quarter.

Danmeier: When Manning completed 9 straight passes; told me Manning could throw at will against them Patriots.

Von Schamann: To me, the key factor was the fact das Patrioten could not catch the ball when it mattered.

Herrera: El retén del Mario Manningham!

J-Dub: Funny how you two both mention catches either made or not made.  There’s a large number of Patriot fans are ready to hand Wes Welker the goat horns for that dropped pass in the 4th quarter.

Herrera: Wes Welker aspira los testículos del burro! (sprays beer into the air)

Von Schamann: Welker’s drop was crucial, but what about the rest? Look at what happened after the Giants missed that two-point conversion. Deion Branch and Aaron Hernandez both drop balls they should have caught in a far more critical situation than the Welker drop. The whole team underperformed, to single out Welker is both mistaken and lets the others off the hook. If there’s one player to single out, it is Tom Brady. He was horrible against the Ravens, and from the first play last night Brady played terribly, with the exception of the drive Donald mentioned earlier. There was the safety on the first play, there was the Blackburn interception on a ball that was horribly underthrown, then there was the ball to Welker which was overthrown. If Brady hits Welker in stride on that play, the Patriots score and likely win the game. Welker made a great play just to get his hands on a ball that was thrown two feet over his head.

Haji-Shiekh:That’s exactly why I picked the Blackburn interception as my key moment. It was when you could tell if the Patriots were going to win this game, it wasn’t going to be because of Brady. It’s also when you knew that the odds of the Patriots winning without a big Brady performance were not all that good.

Igwebuike: I have no idea what that fool was thinking on that grounding penalty.  Did you see how Brady death-stared the refs for calling that penalty? Like they had the audacity to call a penalty on Tom Brady.

Danmeier: I caught that too. Do you think this might mean we might have a new “golden boy” in this league?

J-Dub: It’s funny you mention that. I thought exactly the same thing. Think of it this way, Brady’s career gets launched by that “Tuck Rule” call against Oakland, and this intentional grounding call might just be the mark we look back at five years from now signifying the of the end of the Brady era. You really can make an argument that right now, Monday, February 6th, 2012…the two biggest stars in the NFL are Eli Manning and Tim Tebow. Manning for obvious reasons, and while I don’t quite get why, Tebow drew crowds wherever he went in Indianapolis.

Herrera: Ayayayayay! But what about Peyton?

J-Dub: I’m done talking about that guy until there’s something actually to talk about. Besides, let’s keep this to the game.

Haji-Shiekh: Did anybody else notice how Al Michaels tried to give my Giants the “kiss of death?” He pointed out that the Cardinals had the worst running game when they made it to the Super Bowl, then he pointed out the Colts had the worst running game when they made it to the Super Bowl, and noted the Giants also fit the category.

Igwebuike: Then that fool Cris Collinsworth chimes in with his crap in 2nd quarter about how the Giants should hve been favored. Real brave considering they were leading at the time he said it. Boy, I’d like to snap that guy’s neck!

Von Schamann: Nobody seemed to notice that the Giants running game improved dramatically during the play-offs. The Giants dominated using the running game, and by pressuring the quarterback. The passing game is like Blitzkrieg, its wunderbar for a shock and awe effect, but at the end of the day he who controls the ground wins.

J-Dub: I’ve said that same thing hundreds of times, but we live in a fantasy football world which eschews the fundamentals in favor of the flashy.

Herrera: (firing pistol into ceiling) Arriba!

Be sure to send us topics you would like to see the Ex-Kickers Round Table discuss in the future!

–  J-Dub

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A Sports Blog Movement Exclusive: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table

Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming.  That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed.  In that spirit, the Sports Blog Movement has assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible, moderated by SBM’s own J-Dub.

You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?

With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.

Ali Haji-Shiekh 

For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80’s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career.  Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it.  Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so  including him on the panel was a no-brainer.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Rick Danmeier

Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.

Donald Igwebuike

After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.

Efren Herrera

America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.

Uwe von Schamann

After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the  into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970’s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.

{2K (s) + 2H2O (l) → 2KOH (aq) + H2 (g)} = A big mess, just like this panel.

J-Dub: The first item I have for you gentlemen…Since you were all kickers, tell me your thoughts on the Billy Cundiff situation.

Haji-Shiekh: That pisses me off.  You have no idea idea how many times I heard “Ali Haji-Shank” in the Meadowlands after missing a field goal; can you imagine what New York fans would have done to me had my playing career been AFTER 9/11?  Hell, on 9/12, I had every jerk-off at my job asking me if I was going crash my floor-buffer into something, and I’m not even one of those assloafs that wears a dishrag on his head and looks like he shaves with a fork.

Where do you get off busting a placekicker’s balls whenever they miss?  Like you never screwed up at your job.  Not to mention, how far did you get as a football player? JV tight end? How many top quality chicks have you nailed? Yeah, I thought so. Let me tell you something. In college, anybody with the football team gets more ass than a toilet seat. My senior year, we let Dan Dierdorf’s kid help out the equipment manager; within two weeks this poor kid got “The Clap,” and he was like 13 years old.

On the field or off, placekickers are all about scoring. We always lead the league in scoring, especially with all the other players’ women. Back in my day, when all the “real” players had all those practices where they ran around until they puked, I’d chip a few short field goals, maybe hit a few golf balls, then I’d go bang Phil Simms’ wife. Your bloated ass couldn’t do that, even if we could set the time-machine to 50, 000 Big Macs ago. Kickers are finely tuned athletes, while you couldn’t get the ball off the goddamn ground without snapping a hamstring.

J-Dub: I see a lot of nodding in agreement.

Danmeier: Yeah, ain’t nobody talking about that Evans feller dropping the game-winnin’ touchdown catch. But a kicker goes an’ misses a kick, an’ he gets treated just like this deformed mule ol’ man Haugen had a few years back. That thing was so butt-ugly it hurt yer eyes to look at it. But it sure had some kick though, kinda like this Cundiff feller.  But the poor thing was so retarded every time it peed, it fell right over.

J-Dub: I see more nodding, so we will move on to the next topic.  Lots of big-money deals going on in baseball right now; Pujols, Fielder, the sale of the Dodgers. Let’s hear some thought on that.

Haji-Shiekh: I hate baseball, but at least we aren’t talking about Danmeier’s mule again.  If I wanted to know this much about a donkey, I’d ask Herrera about the one his sister works with in Tijuana.

Herrera: Chinga te, pendejo! (belches drunkenly, then opens what unbeknownst to us was his 23rd Tecate of the day)

Von Schamann: That is a tough question, my little hausmeister.  While the Dodgers have Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, they still are just another hapless westküste team thanks to their ownership situation. I think a lot of that will be solved once that schweinhunt McCourt get sent to the showers…er…sells the team.  Kemp could use some help to solve some the Dodgers’ offensive difficulties, but they still can’t play defense, and we all learned the value of defense at Stalingrad.

Igwebuike: Listen up, fools! The only reason the anybody will pay close to a billion dollars for the Dodgers is because they are in Los Angeles If this story was happening in Kansas City, nobody would care.  It’s such simple math; a franchise in a place with 20 million people is worth more than in a place with 2.

Danmeier: Aww, boo-hoo for the Dodgers. Everybody cries whenever you city boys either don’t win or are losin’ all yer money. Well, seems to me you all could have steered clear of this if you all hadn’t let that McCourt feller buy the team in the first place. (spits tobacco juice on the floor)

Herrera: Let us ride while Los Dodgeros are weak; we take their land and their women! Muerte a Los Dodgeros! Ayayayay! (sprays beer into the air)

Haji-Shiekh: What the hell is this? Just because I’m a janitor doesn’t mean I’m cleaning up after “Farmer Bob” or the “Mexican Drinking Bean” over here!

Von Schamann: Actually, I agree with the Generalissimo.  Das Dodgers pitching is suspect beyond Kershaw,  Kemp is the only bat in the line-up to fear, and thanks to mismanagement, they’ve wasted much money in recent years. They are ripe for blitzkrieg. It may be wise to strike and annhiliate them now.

Igwebuike: I’m always up for a fight, Hannibal…uh…I mean Mr. Von Schamann, but I ain’t getting on no airplane!

J-Dub: Alright, forget Pujols and Fielder. Let’s get out of this topic before it gets any uglier in here.

Haji-Shiekh: You mean uglier than “El Drunko Loco” or “Webster on steroids with a mohawk” over here?

IgwebuikeOr uglier than some (expletive deleted – suffice it to say it suggested Mr. Haji-Shiekh may enjoy performing unnatural acts with a camel).

J-Dub: (waving hands frantically) Alright, Alright, Alright! We are moving on to the obvious topic of discussion this week. Gentlemen, who do you like in the upcoming Super Bowl?

Von Schamann: Gentlemen, please…I agree with der moderator.   Let’s stay on the topic at hand here, which is how are we all going to escape to Argentina once the Russians get here…er…I mean, what do we think of das Profifußball-Meisterschaft?

Haji-Shiekh: I’m going to assume that “das-what-the-hell-ever-shaft”  means “Super Bowl?”  Since I was a Giant, I must say New York 27, Patriots 23.

Von Schamann: Nein, my little kamelbumserPatrioten over  Giants …31-24.  Nobody has seen offensive dominance quite like the Patrioten since the Wehrmacht rolled across Poland.

Danmeier:  Well, then you an’ the rest of you Krauts remember what happened when you finally ran into the Russians, don’t ya? Think that means the NFC might be just like them Russkies, making all of the Patriots’ Super Bowl dreams die just like they did in Stalingrad? Hell, when’s the last New England didn’t fold in a meaningful game?

Von Schamann: (slamming fist on armrest of wheelchair) That’s because that schweinhunt  Von Paulus betrayed the Reich. When we promoted him to Field Marshal, he was expected to commit suicide rather than surrender. Lead us to glorious victory or die in the attempt…Uhhh, did I say Von Paulus? I meant Belichick…silly me.

J-Dub: “Field Marshal” Belichick?

Von Schamann: Oh, we Germans call our coaches “Field Marshal” all the time…it is a term of affection.

Danmeier: You mean kinda like how we call your Field Marshals “loser?”

Von Schamann:  Herr Danmeier, why do you fight me so much? After all, you are also of good, Aryan breeding. You understand the importance of the kicking game, even in your “traditional” ways. You could be a valued asset to the new Reich.

Danmeier: Yeah, an’ let me tell you somethin’ there, Fritz. My ancestors got kicked out of “the Fatherland” because we wouldn’t kick the ball in that sideways, girly way you have of kickin’ the ball you stole from them soccer-playin’ fellers. Well, me and my daddy before me, and his daddy before him, we all kicked straight-on, like real men are supposed to. And I’ll tell ya somethin’ else, Mr. Heinie Kraut…

Haji-Shiekh: Enough already! You two can re-enact World War II on your own time. And as for that “girly” way of kicking? Like it’s the soccer players’ fault somebody thought about the ability to make a field goal from longer than 30 yards.

Danmeier: Is that why all them Giants fans called you “Ali Haji-Shank?”

Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand) See that? Know what that is? That’s a Super Bowl ring. Bet you didn’t know that since the Vikings’ trophy case is as blank as the look on your mothers’ face when they told her you didn’t die at birth.

Danmeier: An’ I also didn’t know you hadn’t sold that ring for some cheap booze.

Herrera: (slowly regains consciousness) Otra cerveza, por favor! (slowly loses consciousness)

Haji-Shiekh: Yeah, like I’m the one who only pops back to life whenever somebody mentions liquor like “Jose Cuervo” over here (points toward Herrera)

Herrera: (Unitelligible grunt)

J-Dub: Let’s get to the two panelists who haven’t weighed in on this yet.  Donald, what do you say?

Igwebuike:  I agree with Hitler, Jr. over there.  It’s gonna be Patriots over the Giants 42-17.

J-Dub: What about you, Efren?

Herrera: Gigantes batió el Dodgeros –  cuatro juegos a tres. (vomits slightly on shirt)

Haji-Shiekh: Why is it the only words you can ever understand from this guy are “Dodgeros” and “cerveza?” Does he even know we quit talking about baseball like twenty minutes ago? And somebody get him a bib, would you? I mean, it’s bad enough all the drunk puke I have to mop up at the Port Authority. Now,  I’ve got to do it here, too?  Figures that a guy who looks like a cross between a steroid case and a Swahili  lawn gnome would get this wrong. You want to make a small wager on this, Iggy, or won’t they take that 4-karat crap you call “bling” at the pawn shop anymore?

Igwebuike: Like you got anything I want, fool! Unless those bus station crappers you clean are all-of-a-sudden clogged with gold cuff links.

Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand again) Yeah, because nobody wants a Super Bowl ring! And what the hell are you going to do with cufflinks? You don’t even have sleeves, bristle-head!

Herrera: (firing pistol into ceiling) Arriba!

Moderator’s Note: It wasn’t until Herrera decided to do his Yosemite Sam impersonation that we realized he’d been hitting the Tecate all day long. Had we known that, we would would have found a topic that resulted in earlier gunplay.

Be sure to send us topics you would like to see the Ex-Kickers Round Table discuss in the future!

–  J-Dub

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