Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming. That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed. In that spirit, the Sports Blog Movement has assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible, moderated by SBM’s own J-Dub.
You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?
With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.
For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80’s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career. Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it. Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so including him on the panel was a no-brainer. What’s the worst that could happen?
Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.
After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.
America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.
Uwe von Schamann
After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970’s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.
J-Dub: The first item I have for you gentlemen…Since you were all kickers, tell me your thoughts on the Billy Cundiff situation.
Haji-Shiekh: That pisses me off. You have no idea idea how many times I heard “Ali Haji-Shank” in the Meadowlands after missing a field goal; can you imagine what New York fans would have done to me had my playing career been AFTER 9/11? Hell, on 9/12, I had every jerk-off at my job asking me if I was going crash my floor-buffer into something, and I’m not even one of those assloafs that wears a dishrag on his head and looks like he shaves with a fork.
Where do you get off busting a placekicker’s balls whenever they miss? Like you never screwed up at your job. Not to mention, how far did you get as a football player? JV tight end? How many top quality chicks have you nailed? Yeah, I thought so. Let me tell you something. In college, anybody with the football team gets more ass than a toilet seat. My senior year, we let Dan Dierdorf’s kid help out the equipment manager; within two weeks this poor kid got “The Clap,” and he was like 13 years old.
On the field or off, placekickers are all about scoring. We always lead the league in scoring, especially with all the other players’ women. Back in my day, when all the “real” players had all those practices where they ran around until they puked, I’d chip a few short field goals, maybe hit a few golf balls, then I’d go bang Phil Simms’ wife. Your bloated ass couldn’t do that, even if we could set the time-machine to 50, 000 Big Macs ago. Kickers are finely tuned athletes, while you couldn’t get the ball off the goddamn ground without snapping a hamstring.
J-Dub: I see a lot of nodding in agreement.
Danmeier: Yeah, ain’t nobody talking about that Evans feller dropping the game-winnin’ touchdown catch. But a kicker goes an’ misses a kick, an’ he gets treated just like this deformed mule ol’ man Haugen had a few years back. That thing was so butt-ugly it hurt yer eyes to look at it. But it sure had some kick though, kinda like this Cundiff feller. But the poor thing was so retarded every time it peed, it fell right over.
J-Dub: I see more nodding, so we will move on to the next topic. Lots of big-money deals going on in baseball right now; Pujols, Fielder, the sale of the Dodgers. Let’s hear some thought on that.
Haji-Shiekh: I hate baseball, but at least we aren’t talking about Danmeier’s mule again. If I wanted to know this much about a donkey, I’d ask Herrera about the one his sister works with in Tijuana.
Herrera: Chinga te, pendejo! (belches drunkenly, then opens what unbeknownst to us was his 23rd Tecate of the day)
Von Schamann: That is a tough question, my little hausmeister. While the Dodgers have Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, they still are just another hapless westküste team thanks to their ownership situation. I think a lot of that will be solved once that schweinhunt McCourt get sent to the showers…er…sells the team. Kemp could use some help to solve some the Dodgers’ offensive difficulties, but they still can’t play defense, and we all learned the value of defense at Stalingrad.
Igwebuike: Listen up, fools! The only reason the anybody will pay close to a billion dollars for the Dodgers is because they are in Los Angeles If this story was happening in Kansas City, nobody would care. It’s such simple math; a franchise in a place with 20 million people is worth more than in a place with 2.
Danmeier: Aww, boo-hoo for the Dodgers. Everybody cries whenever you city boys either don’t win or are losin’ all yer money. Well, seems to me you all could have steered clear of this if you all hadn’t let that McCourt feller buy the team in the first place. (spits tobacco juice on the floor)
Herrera: Let us ride while Los Dodgeros are weak; we take their land and their women! Muerte a Los Dodgeros! Ayayayay! (sprays beer into the air)
Haji-Shiekh: What the hell is this? Just because I’m a janitor doesn’t mean I’m cleaning up after “Farmer Bob” or the “Mexican Drinking Bean” over here!
Von Schamann: Actually, I agree with the Generalissimo. Das Dodgers pitching is suspect beyond Kershaw, Kemp is the only bat in the line-up to fear, and thanks to mismanagement, they’ve wasted much money in recent years. They are ripe for blitzkrieg. It may be wise to strike and annhiliate them now.
Igwebuike: I’m always up for a fight, Hannibal…uh…I mean Mr. Von Schamann, but I ain’t getting on no airplane!
J-Dub: Alright, forget Pujols and Fielder. Let’s get out of this topic before it gets any uglier in here.
Haji-Shiekh: You mean uglier than “El Drunko Loco” or “Webster on steroids with a mohawk” over here?
Igwebuike: Or uglier than some (expletive deleted – suffice it to say it suggested Mr. Haji-Shiekh may enjoy performing unnatural acts with a camel).
J-Dub: (waving hands frantically) Alright, Alright, Alright! We are moving on to the obvious topic of discussion this week. Gentlemen, who do you like in the upcoming Super Bowl?
Von Schamann: Gentlemen, please…I agree with der moderator. Let’s stay on the topic at hand here, which is how are we all going to escape to Argentina once the Russians get here…er…I mean, what do we think of das Profifußball-Meisterschaft?
Haji-Shiekh: I’m going to assume that “das-what-the-hell-ever-shaft” means “Super Bowl?” Since I was a Giant, I must say New York 27, Patriots 23.
Von Schamann: Nein, my little kamelbumser…Patrioten over Giants …31-24. Nobody has seen offensive dominance quite like the Patrioten since the Wehrmacht rolled across Poland.
Danmeier: Well, then you an’ the rest of you Krauts remember what happened when you finally ran into the Russians, don’t ya? Think that means the NFC might be just like them Russkies, making all of the Patriots’ Super Bowl dreams die just like they did in Stalingrad? Hell, when’s the last New England didn’t fold in a meaningful game?
Von Schamann: (slamming fist on armrest of wheelchair) That’s because that schweinhunt Von Paulus betrayed the Reich. When we promoted him to Field Marshal, he was expected to commit suicide rather than surrender. Lead us to glorious victory or die in the attempt…Uhhh, did I say Von Paulus? I meant Belichick…silly me.
J-Dub: “Field Marshal” Belichick?
Von Schamann: Oh, we Germans call our coaches “Field Marshal” all the time…it is a term of affection.
Danmeier: You mean kinda like how we call your Field Marshals “loser?”
Von Schamann: Herr Danmeier, why do you fight me so much? After all, you are also of good, Aryan breeding. You understand the importance of the kicking game, even in your “traditional” ways. You could be a valued asset to the new Reich.
Danmeier: Yeah, an’ let me tell you somethin’ there, Fritz. My ancestors got kicked out of “the Fatherland” because we wouldn’t kick the ball in that sideways, girly way you have of kickin’ the ball you stole from them soccer-playin’ fellers. Well, me and my daddy before me, and his daddy before him, we all kicked straight-on, like real men are supposed to. And I’ll tell ya somethin’ else, Mr. Heinie Kraut…
Haji-Shiekh: Enough already! You two can re-enact World War II on your own time. And as for that “girly” way of kicking? Like it’s the soccer players’ fault somebody thought about the ability to make a field goal from longer than 30 yards.
Danmeier: Is that why all them Giants fans called you “Ali Haji-Shank?”
Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand) See that? Know what that is? That’s a Super Bowl ring. Bet you didn’t know that since the Vikings’ trophy case is as blank as the look on your mothers’ face when they told her you didn’t die at birth.
Danmeier: An’ I also didn’t know you hadn’t sold that ring for some cheap booze.
Herrera: (slowly regains consciousness) Otra cerveza, por favor! (slowly loses consciousness)
Haji-Shiekh: Yeah, like I’m the one who only pops back to life whenever somebody mentions liquor like “Jose Cuervo” over here (points toward Herrera)
Herrera: (Unitelligible grunt)
J-Dub: Let’s get to the two panelists who haven’t weighed in on this yet. Donald, what do you say?
Igwebuike: I agree with Hitler, Jr. over there. It’s gonna be Patriots over the Giants 42-17.
J-Dub: What about you, Efren?
Herrera: Gigantes batió el Dodgeros – cuatro juegos a tres. (vomits slightly on shirt)
Haji-Shiekh: Why is it the only words you can ever understand from this guy are “Dodgeros” and “cerveza?” Does he even know we quit talking about baseball like twenty minutes ago? And somebody get him a bib, would you? I mean, it’s bad enough all the drunk puke I have to mop up at the Port Authority. Now, I’ve got to do it here, too? Figures that a guy who looks like a cross between a steroid case and a Swahili lawn gnome would get this wrong. You want to make a small wager on this, Iggy, or won’t they take that 4-karat crap you call “bling” at the pawn shop anymore?
Igwebuike: Like you got anything I want, fool! Unless those bus station crappers you clean are all-of-a-sudden clogged with gold cuff links.
Haji-Shiekh: (holds up left hand again) Yeah, because nobody wants a Super Bowl ring! And what the hell are you going to do with cufflinks? You don’t even have sleeves, bristle-head!
Herrera: (firing pistol into ceiling) Arriba!
Moderator’s Note: It wasn’t until Herrera decided to do his Yosemite Sam impersonation that we realized he’d been hitting the Tecate all day long. Had we known that, we would would have found a topic that resulted in earlier gunplay.
Be sure to send us topics you would like to see the Ex-Kickers Round Table discuss in the future!