Now that the Donald Sterling Controversy has Died Down, it’s Time to Discuss the Most Overlooked Aspect of that Whole Debacle


It seems like forever ago that TMZ released the tapes of soon-to-be former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling telling his “personal assistant” that her African-American friends were not welcome at Clippers games.  But in all reality it was just a few short weeks ago in which this all transpired.    We have all heard the standard takes:  The most popular one has been the sports radio guys acting like this is the end of the world and pretty much suggesting this asshole be executed in public.  It’s become a content of one-upsmanship to the most disturbing degree, and par for the course in this wonderland of manufactured outrage.

Then there have been those who said that we should have all seen this coming.  This a genuine take (and one that Dubs had in his podcast) that suggests that we all knew Donald Sterling was a racist before we heard this on tape.  He’s been chasing minorities out of his properties for decades, which is almost unthinkable when you consider he’d never set foot in any of those places without a gallon of hand sanitizer in his hand.  (Of course I’m kidding – he’d probably have his “assistant” carrying it…)  Sterling was known to check players out in the locker room and feel their muscles almost as if he was purchasing slaves, and if I listed every other reason why he’s racist this column wouldn’t get finished until we’re done with the great Russian War of 2017.     But throughout all of that, we seem to have been missing what is the most overlooked point of this entire situation.  A point that has been glossed over so much it’s almost hard to believe nobody is talking about, but then again that’s what Sports Blog Movement is for.  And that point is…

V. Stiviano is a prostitute

Look, the guy’s eighty years old.  He probably has to shoot an oil drum of androgen just to achieve an erection.  He has so much money that he could probably use the interest alone to start a campaign which legalizes forest fires in the state of California.

Stiviano is thirty one years old.  She looks like she’s already had at least three facelifts, and it looks like all of them were done behind a dumpster at an In-N-Out burger.  It would be hard to argue that woman was hanging around Sterling because of his great abs.

So at the risk of sounding completely sexist, what else would we call her other than a prostitute?  She’s obviously receiving money and has provided sexual favors for Mr. Sterling on different occasions.  Did I fall asleep while they re-wrote the dictionary?  Because if I didn’t, she’s a hooker.  (Editor’s Note:  And all of this talk about how she never slept with him is nonsense…I refuse to believe that.  There are a lot of other women in the LA area that look way better than she does that will have sex with him for that kind of money, and from the Barbara Walters interview we learned that she obviously has the personality of a car battery.  He wouldn’t be wasting his time with her “chasing a sexual relationship” like some of these news organizations suggest…)

And don’t give me any shit about how a personal assistant handles office duties.  I bet if you put this woman in a line with 45 other plastic surgery disasters from the greater Burbank area, she’d be about average when it comes to the typing and filing skill set.

Which leads me to another question…Why is it when all of this started she was Mr. Sterling’s girlfriend, but now she’s his “personal assistant”?  How the fuck did that change in a matter of days?  Either she’s blowing him or fixing the printer, and it’s not both.  Everybody in the world knows that one of those things is more important than the other, and unless he’s emptying his ink cartridges out on her back it’s definitely not the second one.

Another reason the hooker angle is not out of the question would be the fact that we recently found out this woman is sort of a career criminal, or at least wanted to be.  She has several arrests on here record for using fake names (she has previously gone by the aliases Monica Gallegos and Vanessa Perez) as well as controlled substance possession and theft.  And wait until you find out where…

According to a report by the NY Daily News, “Stiviano first was busted for sticky fingers at a Ross Dress for Less store in Los Angeles in 2002 and was picked up again in 2004 at an Old Navy in Santa Monica, the sources said.”

Old Navy?  Jeez, she definitely wasn’t aiming to be THAT high class if this is true.  Did I say earlier she had her work done in the alley of an In-N-Out?  I’d like to retract that statement from the record.  It was probably a Del Taco.  Holy shit.

Sterling has placed several ads over the years suggesting the explicit services of women whose covert job descriptions include being a massage therapist.  Way to fly under the radar, General Lee.  If there’s one profession that includes complimentary Beejays at the end for an extra forty bucks, let’s just say it’s not landscaping.  And if “Koreatown” didn’t pop into your head right away with regards to where Sterling was placing these ads, you probably think the Wonderlic test is where you use a loaf of bread as a tongue depressor.  Sterling was looking for a happy ending, a much happier ending than he is currently suffering through now.  And he was willing to get anybody involved to make that happen.

And those people aren’t massage therapists, they’re prostitutes.   

The way the news organizations dance around this during the six o’clock broadcast is clown shoes, and when confronted about anything involving heavy subject manner usually the excuse is that “children could be watching”.  This would be a fantastic explanation for why the issue of her “soliciting her services” hasn’t been discussed throughout this whole ordeal.  And it poses another great question:

Why are we so afraid to talk to our children about this?

Dubs and I do not have any children, so perhaps this is a moot point.  But it would seem to me that right after the “sex talk” would be a great time for the “why you don’t have sex for money” talk.  In fact, they should probably be on the same brochure.  You should tell your kids that when two people love each other they give each other a special hug that involves the exchange of bodily fluids, and that’s where college tuition comes from.  The next sentence would involve the explanation that when some people are lonely and want to give each other a not-so-special hug three blocks down from the Palms hotel in Vegas, that’s where Hepatitis C comes from.

In the sissified American culture that we’ve become so accustomed to, not saying things on television seems to be the media’s way of not explaining things to children that their parents aren’t going to explain to them anyway.  And for all of the commercials we have to sit through trying to sell us the same product Colonel Limp Bizkit uses to feel 55 years young again, I think that the NBC Nightly News can at least inform our kids what it means to be a gold-digging street whore.  Providing of course, they’re watching.

But enough of the soapbox stuff:  Sports networks do a poor job of calling things like they see them because they are so petrified of being called misogynistic, sexist or anti-feminist.  Like Sigmund Freud once famously said “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”.  In this case, it’s a Cuban for sure.  Uh oh, now I’m the racist.  Better test the electric chair.

I am not for one second suggesting that what Donald Sterling did is right.  I don’t condone his belief system, or agree with anything he said which in his case is especially unfortunate because he owns a professional basketball team.  But keep in mind, he was duped into saying all of these things by a career criminal.  So in a sense, we are teaching our kids that if they are going to do something reprehensible it’s perfectly fine – just as long as they can trick somebody else into doing something that’s more reprehensible on tape.  It’s become TMZ’s Law.

And I don’t know about you, but that is something that we should all be really, really fucking scared of.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don’t mean, and although they aren’t nearly as inherently rooted in racism as Mr. Sterling’s were when taken out of context they can get you in just as much trouble.  Of course the stakes were much higher in this case, but nobody should be running around screaming and feeling sorry for a guy with that much money getting banned from anything.

However, it’s really important that we understand that she is a prostitute.  She has consensual sex with a man who is much older than her whom she would not otherwise be interested in if he wasn’t crazy rich in a state where that activity is not legal.  Whether or not there was a contract involved stating such was the case is completely irrelevant, as you probably know if you don’t have severe brain damage or are disgusted by the act of geriatric-on-secretarial relations under the covers.

Sometimes you have to call it like you see it, and I’m sorry – If it walks like a hooker and quacks like a hooker…I can guarantee you it’s not a duck at all.



Filed under Humor, Sports

3 responses to “Now that the Donald Sterling Controversy has Died Down, it’s Time to Discuss the Most Overlooked Aspect of that Whole Debacle

  1. First, I would like to start off by commending you on straying from the typical witch hunt Donald Sterling piece. There are so many aspects of the case that people fail to see. Many of the enraged public cannot get passed the issue of race to see other problems with this whole situation. One thing that stood out to me was the fact that all these alleged comments are a product of illegal search and seizure. However, the recent CNN interview only further placed Sterling’s foot in his mouth.

  2. If Donald Sterling really wanted to get back at Stiviano, he’d release their sex tapes. Now THAT’S something I’d pay not to see.

    Oh, and I don’t know if you read this ( but it clearly appears you and I are on the same page.

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