Rarely do we throw the term insane around, so as to not offend those in the
mental health unemployment community. However, pissing off jobless people means pissing off as much as 9% of the U.S. population and 100% percent of our readership. So, we thought now was a good time to increase the amount of people who hate us to at least 50% by infuriating the sans penis crowd.
At first, we really didn’t have an idea of how to do that. After all, we’ve already trashed Danica Patrick both as much as we could and as much as anybody could realistically be expected to care. Just when we were seriously considering exposing the frighteningly high frequency of hermaphrodism in the WNBA, MMA star Ronda Rousey opened her mouth, and what fell out was blogger Manna from Heaven.
“I would drop down to the ground and crawl over to him as fast as I can,” Rousey said. “I wouldn’t even stand up, I wouldn’t be near him. I would just do a little army crawl over there and he would have to run away. I would just be skittering after him like the one dude in “Bloodsport” that was doing the whole monkey crawl fight system. I would do that. I would just bear crawl over there, too low for him to hit me, and tackle him down. I spent a lot of time on the ground, and I doubt that he does.”
You’re joking right? Do we really even need to spell this out for you?
Let’s start with that whole “monkey-skitter” strategy. We can only assume that the rules for such a staged fight would have to be the same for each participant. Why that matters here is that we are guessing that if she gets to kick, so does he. That means the minute she gets close enough with that whole “Mr. Peepers” approach, she takes a kick in the face. Then, while Mayweather is calmly sipping his water bottle, the paramedics are looking for their longest set of forceps to get Rousey’s mouthpiece out of her lungs.
Suppose she abandons that approach and tries to fight in a “stand-up” fashion. The power and speed of a professional boxer is something to behold, while most MMA figthers treat punches as an after-thought. This really gets dangerous for Rousey as Mayweather makes his bones as a counter-puncher, meaning he withstands attacks, makes the attackers miss, and then bruises their brains.
Time for some ugly realities. The staggering majority of domestic violence cases in America are ones in which women are the victim. There’s a big factor involved in that fact. If you watch enough episodes of “Cops,” you might think that pot-bellied guys are supreme strategists when it comes to sucker-punching a woman half their size. Is the aptly-named “wife-beater t-shirt” some sort of female kryptonite? Actually, there’s an easy explanation here. It really matters little about the weight of the combatants in a battle of the sexes, unless it’s grossly in favor of the female. The reason is both biologic and irrefutable. The bodies of men and women are built differently, and in general, men are simply bigger, stronger, and faster. You can replay Helen Reddy’s timeless anthem “I Am Woman” until your I-pod sports a German haircut and collects Georgia O’Keeffe paintings; that isn’t going to change.
Now, before you start carpet-bombing our Comments section with misguided accusations of sexism, just remember that:
- We don’t give a frog’s water-tight ass, because while most men are sexist to a degree, this whole article has little to do with gender, but has a whole lot to do with saying indefensibly stupid shit
- You can walk on to almost any work site in America that requires serious physical labor, and your chances of finding a woman not built like a Cold War-era East German weightlifter are roughly that of finding the Abominable Snowman standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert holding a pristine ice cream cone. You can start with construction sites and fire stations. We’ll wait…
3) Do you honestly think any state athletic commission would actually let a man fight a woman?
While it would be monstrously intriguing to the curious and perverted (read that our readership), there is a 0% chance that even event-whore jurisdictions like Nevada or New Jersey would ever go for this. You will see Michael Vick fighting to the death with a rabid Rottweiler on Pay-Per-View before you see Rousey even pillow-fighting Mayweather. We’ll come back to that, because there is a huge PPV potential here…more on that in a bit.
In this day and age, any state whose athletic commission would even consider this would face the largely-bullshit, but media trumpeted crap that comes with the soft, hypocritical culture we live in. If you doubt that, picture the following scenario.
The event-whore state of New Jersey says “sure, we’ll do this on July 4th in Atlantic City.” As an opening act, they somehow manage to get the hot-dog eating thing away from Coney Island; and between the gate sales, a cut of the PPV take, and the general corruption that is New Jersey state government, they make a enough money to pay the state’s debt and to bribe all those Jersey Shore and Real Housewives sludge-pumps to renounce all their Garden State connections and start telling people they are from Kansas. In other words, the skies part, and the entire state of New Jersey is covered in laundry baskets full of cash.
You would think this would be a win for New Jersey, but you couldn’t be more wrong. First of all, somehow the leftie assholes that have hypocritized this country will condemn the event as “sexist” and exploitive;” all while they are planning how to spend all the money. Then, after they’ve bankrupted the state, they’ll blame Governor Chris Christie for it, even though he was never there for the spending decisions because there’s no fucking way he’s passing up $3.99 lobster tails at the Golden Corral.
Why does all this happen? Because as it stands right now, the lefties still have this wet-dream they can get Hilary Clinton into the White House in 2016, and Christie’s elastic-waist dress pants and future lap-band scar stand in the way. In other words, even if you wanted to see this fight, and even if some state took a shot at doing it, Wolf Blitzer will make sure it never happens.
Ronda Rousey spews bullshit in interviews at a professional level, which is one of the main reasons she is arguably the biggest star in MMA. For example, she claims to have lost her medals in a bar, then followed up by saying that if she did end up losing them forever it wouldn’t bother her. But she sure as shit accepted them when they were returned, and made a big deal out of how much it meant to her to get them back. That’s not a big deal, but it does illustrate how much she contradicts herself, sometimes even in the same conversation.
The difference here is that she hasn’t contradicted herself yet, but we are pretty sure she will once somebody calls her out on this lunacy. We’re doing it, but the odds Ronda Rousey reads this blog are about the same as her not getting shit-hammered by Floyd Mayweather. Instead, she can hide behind the facts we laid out in the last point because she knows as well as we do this fight will never happen. That means she can say whatever the fuck she wants, knowing full well she will never have to back it up.
Boxers are better boxers and MMA fighters are better at things like Karate and Jiu Jitsu. It’s Apples and Oranges, and while apples grow on trees we all know that oranges come from cows. The bottom line is that they are very different sports, and this debate has been repeated over and over until the orange cows come home. The thing that always gets missed during all that lip-service is that since they are different sports, you are going to have to set up rules for such a fight. It’s probably easiest to just say “everything goes,” but you know another stumbling block to such a fight could be just such a conversation.
Her only hope would be to somehow get Mayweather into a grappling match and get him into a submission hold before he had a chance to knock her senseless. The odds of that seem slimmer than an Ethiopian swimsuit model with a ten-foot tapeworm, if for no other reason that we are convinced that this fight would only last until Mayweather landed the first solid blow to her head.
6) Floyd isn’t going to fight anybody.
Seriously, even if by some miracle they could make this work, Floyd would find some way to duck out of it just like he found a way to duck Manny Pacquiao. Even if the promoters of such a fight found some third-world country in which they could set up this fight, all Mayweather would do is fill his calendar with the “bum of the month” club; fighting a bunch of guys who are relatively unknown. Face it, Mayweather can’t be lured to such a fight with money, because he can make just as much fighting bums, and he’s already made a shitload of money; after all, “Money” is his fucking nickname.
That’s another big problem. Let’s say this fight happens, and Rousey somehow wins. Guess what happens next? Ronda Rousey becomes a household name, and Floyd Mayweather ends up bagging groceries. Suppose she doesn’t win, but Mayweather end up tearing a knee ligament? He’s still back to bagging groceries. In other words, Mayweather has absolutely nothing to gain from this, and everything to lose.
Now for the final nail in the coffin. Mayweather is 37 years old, and they don’t make boxers like they used to. The days of guys like George Foreman fighting into his forties or Oscar De La Hoya digging up Ike Turner’s casket looking for some blow are long since gone. There’s no way on this earth Mayweather is going to do anything that screws up his ability to keep making bank because he knows the day is coming that he loses his earning power. In other words, Floyd isn’t going to fight anybody with even the remotest chance of beating him, vagina or not.
Time for more harsh reality. Boxing died along with that little chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear that’s probably still somewhere in Mike Tyson’s colon. MMA had a meteoric rise, but it also had a low cap on it’s potential, and it’s reached that. That’s how we know this whole story was likely constructed by the boxing and/or MMA people as yet another attempt to attract the attention of “mainstream” sports fans.
Because it is powered by “mainstream” sports fans, SBM may not be your “go-to” source for all boxing and MMA-related information. But we can smell something is off when we read it, which is a pretty impressive feat when you consider that the internet is devoid of any “scratch and sniff” technology when it comes to sensory detection of bullshit. We here at SBM do in fact believe that this technology exists, but Arianna and the fine people at The Huffington Post has done everything in their power to make sure it is not readily available, as it would render their entire website worthless. But we digress.
What really matters here is that if this is all an attempt to curry the favor of the “mainstream” sports fan, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not working. Out in Iowa (where some of the world’s best fighters train, by the way) from everything Meehan could see, as soon as they banned smoking from bars, the popularity of the UFC declined rapidly. J-Dub can concur; his local Buffalo Wild Wings used to be a mob scene on nights when MMA populated the big-screens, now you could fire a rifle in the place on those nights and all you are going to hit is some poor waitress who is only six beers and dim lighting away from being attractive.
While they both originally thought the UFC was definitely not going to be a fad, they have since realized that Americans have this weird relationship with violence. In a movie, you can have shit like Joe Pesci getting beaten to death with baseball bats, but if two baseball team emptied the bat racks and started beating each other to death on the infield, we’d be horrified. We even love hockey fights, but we all wanted Todd Bertuzzi thrown in jail for the Steve Moore incident.
That’s exactly the problem boxing had; it’s decline began the day Duk Koo Kim received a fatal beating on live television. It’s also the Sword of Damocles hanging over MMA; the second there is a death in the ring, it’s all over and the UFC will be a footnote in sports history. Until then, the UFC exists for the same reason as any other business, to make money, and it’s become pretty clear that business just isn’t as good as it used to be. It’s still popular, but it’s pretty clear MMA is feeling a pinch, which explains why we have this Rousey stuff happening.
The problem is the MMA people are seriously misguided here. If in fact they are trying to gain acceptance amongst “mainstream” sports fans, they are missing a huge point. The true growth potential for sports fandom is amongst women, and somebody needs to explain to us how getting a woman beaten to death on Pay-Per-View is good for business.