Earlier on this season, when the NFL announced that this year halftime entertainment would be R&B singer Bruno Mars (and his backup band the Hooligans) I expressed my displeasure with the selection of music that would head up what is easily the most overrated fourteen minutes annually in America.
And although I usually do not do this, I have to backpedal. Well, sort of…
I personally don’t like Bruno Mars’ music. Well, I sort of like that one song “Locked out of Heaven” because I think it has a good bass line. But that sample is super annoying and almost ruins the total experience for me, which is what enjoying music is supposed to be all about.
But that’s not the point here. What we have to understand is that there just simply aren’t enough popular artists left that fit the mold of what football fans really want to see at a Super Bowl halftime show. And so many of them pay so little attention to the event’s break anyway that it’s not hard to wonder if that’s the target audience in the first place. Let’s face it, there are a lot of females at every Super Bowl party who will chat up everybody in sight until the halftime show and then they go dead silent. But I think you have to realize that it is a sporting event, and since it isn’t soccer Madonna shouldn’t cut it. And even then, you’ve already used her. Which leads me to my next point…
I thought Springsteen was good a few years back. He still puts on an energetic show. But the NFL can’t hire Springsteen every single year and they definitely can’t do it anytime soon. There are artists that are either unavailable or have been used already that are now out of the question. They used the Rolling Stones, and Michael Jackson is dead…so where does one go from here?
The only sort-of but not really legitimate candidate that I’m surprised the NFL has never been able to make work for a halftime show is Metallica. I’m well aware that their best days were behind them the second Jason Newsted left the “…And Justice For All” sessions and realized the other three band members had been slashing his tires every day for the last six months and then driving home drunk while he calmly got a taxi home and headed to bed. I get it. Discussing at which point in time Metallica fell off of the respect train is fighting a losing war where even the person who loses the least still ends up with a pauper’s funeral. But if it’s all about finding a happy medium, why haven’t they been able to make this work? If you’ve talked to anybody that’s seen Metallica within the past ten years (and even if you haven’t) it isn’t that hard to figure out what their set list would be. They’d probably open up with “Enter Sandman”, play that song James wrote about drinking, that song from the Mission Impossible movie that nobody likes, and then close with something awful off of that record they did with Lou Reed until a group of young and very fit Egyptian boys walks on stage, presents them with their check for services rendered, and then licks every band member’s asshole with the exception of Robert Trijullo.
Now in no way do I want people to think that thing article is endorsing the idea of Metallica being the halftime entertainment. If anything I think they are wretched nowadays, I just think it’s interesting that it hasn’t happened.
The Super Bowl halftime show will never get to the point where it either 1) will ever be good again; or 2) be as good as it was the last time you looked at it in a positive light. Is simply isn’t the reliable entertainment staple that it used to be or never previously was.
The reality is that we aren’t going to get a decent halftime show any time soon, so it’s better to just come to grips with it and surrender. Now, is this waving the white flag (or Black Flag for that matter?) in the name of all that is good? Isn’t the point of good music that some people (or enough people) aren’t going to get it and that you should allow it to amuse your eardrums?
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Well, sort of. What you have to understand is that the NFL is a business and that business isn’t satisfied unless it makes billions of dollars at a time. So there has to be a cutoff somewhere. That’s right, somewhere between Lady Gaga and Anal Cunt (which may very well be the same artist, I’m not really familiar with “either’s” music) lies music that is popular enough for the girl at the Super Bowl party to like, and yet still not edgy enough for the guy who’s been drinking since breakfast.
So what does that all mean? It’s something that we are going to have to deal with. It’s never going to blow your mind because these days commercialism has choked the life out of the music industry. When that bullet tickled Kurt Cobain’s brain stem it was all over. So why would anybody think that the NFL getting involved with an industry like that would make it any less commercial and full of quality artists? The answer is simple: It won’t.
While we may take a few potshots at some of these musicians here and there for the sake of good humor, I’m going to avoid bagging on the halftime entertainment for a while unless something drastic happens. The NFL will never get rid of the halftime show even though they can probably get away with doing so at this point. (See Pro Bowl for further information) If it’s not worth mentioning I probably shouldn’t mention it, drawing less attention to something that a majority of football fans don’t even like.