SBM Exclusive: Six Things To Watch For In The Final Bowl Championship Series

RIP BCS

By J-Dub and Neil Roberts

As we approach the final installment of the Bowl Championship Series, it becomes time for us here at Sports Blog Movement to break down six things you can expect to see as we go through the five games that we sometimes not-so-lovingly refer to as the BCS. After all, you damn well know the blowbags at ESPN aren’t going to tell you anything like this.

1) Tears for Fears for Alabama

Be warned Sooner Nation: Even the youngest Alabama fans are getting serious about this shit.

Be warned Sooner Nation: Even the youngest Alabama fans are getting serious about this shit.

This may come as a shock to the casual college football fan, but Alabama is not playing in the national championship game.  If you got your college football news from ESPN exclusively before the Tide lost to Auburn, you would have thought the boys from Tuscaloosa were an automatic berth to the BCS game every year since Alabama was re-admitted to the Union.  Truth be told, Alabama won the big game three of the last four years.

Now, we understand that not many people are going to feel sorry for a team who thinks the Sugar Bowl is a consolation prize, but the fact of the matter is the last time the Alabama Crimson Tide went bowling in New Orleans was in 2009, when they were upset by Utah.  Vegas sees Alabama by two-touchdowns-plus over the Oklahoma Sooners, but the Tide were a big favorite against the Utes as well.  Does history repeat itself in the Super-Dome, or does Oklahoma get the butt-housing they should expect?  With “Big Game” Bob Stoops on the Sooner sideline, expect the latter.

2) It’s Official: Stanford Has Destroyed The Conventional Wisdom

For the longest time, there was a mantra in baseball about how “small-market teams can’t win” Well, that has been thoroughly destroyed.  There was a similar saying in college football, only it went more like “you can’t have academic AND athletic success.” Stanford has proved that is a complete pantload.

Having said that, here’s what we don’t get. Stanford teams are known as the Cardinal, yet their mascot is a tree. I’m sure somewhere there is a big-brain explanation as to how that makes sense, but since Roberts and J-Dub are both products of state schools, we’ll wait for somebody to lay it out for us. all we know is that if you do a web search for “tree you don’t understand,” you get this:

steroid tree

Now, we aren’t insinuating that Stanford’s success is due to advanced biochemistry, but in case you haven’t noticed, the Cardinal are making their fourth straight BCS Bowl game, and their second consecutive Rose Bowl.  There’s no disputing that is an accomplishment; the only other schools who can say they’ve been to four straight BCS Bowls are USC and Oregon. Not even heavyweights like Alabama can claim that. Now, when you stop to consider that Stanford was in the college football doldrums –  they went eight years eight years between bowl games (the 2001 Seattle Bowl to the 2009 Sun Bowl) – the turnaround under Jim Harbaugh was nothing short of impressive. What’s even more impressive is that that level of success has been sustained under new head coach David Shaw. And during all that time, Stanford never once compromised its standards.

In light of all that, we will be eagerly awaiting the “Tree” explanation.

3) The first team to 20 points will win the Rose Bowl

sloth fight

Forget about Michigan State losing its defensive leader to a suspension. The match-up between the Spartans and Stanford promises to me a defensive struggle of the first order. It really can’t be anything other than that.  Theoretically, the Cardinal offense could be run in a phone booth; we’re not sure they even understand the concept of running outside the tackles. The sort of attack will literally run headlong into a Michigan State defense that would put 14 guys if the rules allowed.  Boil it all down to Rose Bowl gravy, and what you get is a game that will look an awful lot like two sloths trying to open a coconut by pounding it with a rock. The red sloth wins by a field goal.

4) The lack of defense in the Fiesta Bowl will break the scoreboards

Just picture the scoreboard guy as Scotty from Star Trek..."She can't take no more, Cap'n!!!"

Just picture the scoreboard guy as Scotty from Star Trek…”She can’t take no more, Cap’n!!!”

In a direct contrast to to the Rose Bowl, Central Florida and Baylor will put on a show that will cause quantum physicists to wonder if the concept of defense ever really existed. This will look like a track meet where the use of methamphetamine is mandatory, and the starter’s pistol is an AK-47.

Even Vegas thinks so, just ask the retired bookie J-Dub. Baylor is a 17-point favorite, and the over under is 68. That means Vegas thinks the final score will be somewhere around 45-27. That’s a really weird line because generally this means they think the Fiesta Bowl game will be a blow-out, with Central Florida getting a few “garbage time” scores to make the number. Either way, betting this game is like trying to pick a side in the Bataan Death March…no matter how many points you get, there’s just no real winners here.

5) The Orange Bowl may be the least interesting game of the entire bowl season

The actual machine you will need to be more boring than this Orange Bowl.

The actual machine you will need to be more boring than this Orange Bowl.

What else would you expect from a game featuring the second-best teams from the two worst big conferences in college football? We’ve already discussed how the ACC could be mistaken for a high-school league; the B1G Ten could easily be just as bad. This game could easily be like watching a benefit concert loaded with the hangers-on of music: Oates without Hall, Garfunkel without Simon, the non-Beyoncé members of Destiny’s Child and the severed arm of Def Leppard’s drummer.

The best part is it won’t really matter who wins; whoever comes out on top will have “over-achieved” and the loser will be a “disappointment.”

6) There’s a disagreement at SBM concerning the BCS Championship Game

You'll have to tune in on January 6th to see who proves to be the"ignorant slut."

You’ll have to tune in on January 6th to see who proves to be the”ignorant slut.”

Neil Roberts thinks Florida State is a bigger lock than the vault door at Fort Knox.  J-Dub believes Auburn will expose the Seminoles faster than a flasher on a crowded subway. They both have their reasons for those beliefs, but since we will be doing a full series of previews of each BCS game, you’ll want to check out all of them, especially the final installment about the Championship game to see who ends up being right. 

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7 Comments

Filed under Humor, Sports

7 responses to “SBM Exclusive: Six Things To Watch For In The Final Bowl Championship Series

  1. Neil Roberts

    Reblogged this on Sports with Neil.

  2. Pingback: Sports Blog Movement 2014 Rose Bowl Preview | Sports Blog Movement

  3. Pingback: Sports Blog Movement 2014 Fiesta Bowl Preview | Sports Blog Movement

  4. Great article, but if you could squeeze in a joke or two about UW that would be also be awesome 🙂

  5. KingArthur11

    Great article

  6. Pingback: Sports Blog Movement 2014 Sugar Bowl Preview | Sports Blog Movement

  7. Pingback: Sports Blog Movement 2014 Orange Bowl Preview | Sports Blog Movement

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