What We Learned From Week 15 of the 2013 NFL Season: Truth or Lie Edition, Part III

truth

By J-Dub and Meehan

As we have been doing all season, we are breaking down things that you need to know as we head into the play-offs. As we get closer, that means that issues with team get more magnified. That also means that a lot of assumptions that have been held about the teams who are still play-off contenders become true or get exposed as just another pack of lies. So, without any further adieu, here are this week’s questions…

1) Truth or Lie: The Philadelphia Eagles Defense is a joke.

We Say: Truth

They allowed 29 First downs and almost 50 points against a Minnesota Vikings team with no Adrian Peterson and they made Matt Cassel look like the second coming of Fran Tarkenton. As brilliant as Nick Foles and the offense have been, the defense has been the exact inverse.

You Say:

2) Truth or Lie: The Dallas Cowboys are headed for another late-season collapse

ROMO

We Say: Truth

We touched on this last week, and we are convinced that the Cowboys blowing a 23-point halftime lead against what is essentially the Green Bay Packers practice squad seals the deal.  You can point all the fingers you want…Tony Romo sucks, Jason Garrett is a ginger-dweeb, blah blah blah. We’ve heard them all before.

The truth is that tons of shit went wrong for the Cowboys on Sunday, and they’ve been a long time coming.  You can point to a complete lack of discipline, which is obvious because it is clear these motherfuckers aren’t paying any attention in practice at all, and that’s why when you see Cowboys highlights it’s almost like you’re watching three different teams after they score. Each guy is so hung up on his little corner of the field that it’s impossible for him to care about the total team dynamic, and the result is a team that all looks for the exits when they shit the bed like this.

You can point to the fact that Jerry Jones’ management style ensures the Cowboys spend more time stepping on their own dicks than solving their real problems, not the least of which is Jerry Jones himself.

What it all boils down to is that yet again, Dallas had a golden opportunity to tighten their grip on a division title, and instead they let Matt Flynn flip their defense like a fucking McGriddle.

You Say:

3) Truth or Lie: Colin Kaepernick has finally got his shit together

We Say: Lie

If you look at the stat sheet, you can see why nobody was that worried about the 49ers even when they were in a slump.  Because they are now, and have consistently been one of the most complete teams in the league ever since their Super Bowl run started last year. Kaepernick has been a very over-rated part of that; he only had 203 passing yards against Tampa, and 52 of those came from a single strike Vernon Davis. He’s still got a long way to go.

You Say:

4) Truth or Lie: The New Orleans Saints will be “one and done” in the playoffs

Meehan Says: Truth

Because let’s be honest, after the Rams went up 27-3 on Sunday, they gave up so as to not get anybody hurt. Drew Brees packs heat, but the Saints might be the least trustable 10-4 team in recent memory. How else do you explain the fact that the Saints whooped up on Carolina last week, but then ate a dick the second they could see the St. Louis Arch from their hotel window.  The Saints are as good as the Saints want to be…but now they are faced with a situation where they have to go into Charlotte and beat the Panthers, or they’re stuck against whoever wins the NFC East in the first round on the road.  And the Panthers had four sacks this past week, so Drew Brees is officially on chitwatch.

J-Dub Says: Lie

Meehan’s scenario requires me to believe two things. First, it means I have to buy the Panthers as a team who can beat a play-off quality team in a “must-win” situation.  Let’s not forget that the NFC is going to have a 10-win team that doesn’t get into the play-offs, and that can be Carolina just as easily as it can be the Cardinals or the 49ers.  While the Panthers already have 10 wins, the closest one to a “signature” wins was over the Patriots, who are less than formidable on the road. Secondly, even that win over the Patriots showed that Carolina can’t stop anybody who can throw the football.  The Saints get at least one home game in January, which they will win.  All bets are off after that

You Say:

5) Truth or Lie: The St. Louis Rams will make the playoffs next year

We Say: Lie

Although they have made great strides this year, like beating two play-off teams at home, you have to stop to consider who they beat and when they beat them. The Colts gassed out before they got to St. Louis, and the Saints are required by law to have one late-season loss which makes you doubt them. Not to mention, the Rams are like the French paratroopers who got butt-housed by the Viet Minh at Dien Bien Phu in 1954. They may be competent, but the Seahawks and the 49ers have the high ground and the heavy artillery in the NFC West.

You Say:

6) Truth or Lie: The Cincinnati Bengals are cursed

We Say:  Truth

By now, it has to be pretty fucking obvious.  After what happened on Sunday, is there any doubting that the entire existence of this franchise is just one crushing disappointment after another.  Let’s say the Bengals tried to exorcise their demons with some sort of ritual sacrifice. Because they are the Bengals, they would get their signals crossed,  and instead of killing the lamb, they gang-rape it.  Then they all laugh before they eat it while it’s still alive.  It’s like a cross between the movie “Alive” where they all turn into cannibals, and the movie “Zoo” where a dude gets fucked to death by a horse. The Bengals looked like they had all gotten chlamydia in the first half against Pittsburgh, and that’s going to shakeout when they have to play Denver or New England in the playoffs…if they get to play Denver or New England in the playoffs.

You Say:

7) Truth or Lie: We should care about the Pittsburgh Steelers because there’s always next year

We Say: Lie

Big Ben’s reign is over. Even when he plays well in certain games, he can’t seem to string together enough victories for a playoff run.  That’s fine with us because there’s nothing interesting about that team anymore.  Here’s how bad it has gotten: NBC analyst and resident mental health patient Cris Collinsworth actually said “Boy, Ben’s really in the prime of his career isn’t he?” Rigth after taht, Collinsworth said the same thing about Y.A. Tittle.

You Say:

8 ) Truth or Lie: The New England Patriots shouldn’t be worried about the fact that they are losing regular season games

We Say: Lie

Deep down, in places ESPN doesn’t want to admit, the whole “silent media treatment thing” isn’t as spotless as it seems, because it seems pretty clear that a lot of those guys are freaking the fuck out inside the Patriots locker room. That’s because their realistic options are:

  1. Hope that Julian Edelman can  suddenly become Superman
  2. Crawl into a hole and die

We all know Tom Brady is one tough hombre who isn’t going to go down without a fight, but he sure as shit is too proud to carry EVERYBODY on his shoulders because this isn’t the last team he wants to be remembered with.  Even Bill Belichick can’t name fifteen players on his own roster, and all of the Patriots’ secondary looked they had a simultaneous stroke at the end of the Miami game.  But at the same time, these are the type of games the Patriots seem to bounce back from. Every year, the Pats have a couple of bullshit losses like this one, and then they are right back on the horse. It’s just that this year, the horse looks like it has the Parvo virus, and nobody knows just what the fuck is the deal with the AFC.

You Say:

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3 Comments

Filed under Humor, Sports

3 responses to “What We Learned From Week 15 of the 2013 NFL Season: Truth or Lie Edition, Part III

  1. If nothing else, this post tells us there are a bunch of pretty damn mediocre teams in the NFL this year.

    Hard not to pick a Denver-Seattle Super Bowl, no?

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