Despite what they would like you to think, most guys don’t really understand football, and they understand even less about women. But when it comes to both, they all think they know something. As a public service for you, the blog-reading public, we are offering you a comparison using both of those things you guys mistakenly think you understand to give you a clear picture as to who your Super Bowl contenders really are.
For purposes of full disclosure, this isn’t a piece written about, or intended to encourage gambling. Nor is it intended to offer advice on the same. This is because not only is gambling illegal at Bushwood, sir, but women are way more fucking dangerous than any wager. You can still read our blogs after you lose your house payment to a bookie, but the same isn’t true after you die from a case of Tasmanian Scrotum Rot or from catching a butcher knife in the face. So proceed with caution, and see how the teams in the current NFL playoff hunt can be compared to some of your local neighborhood barflies.
1) “The Incredibly Hot Bridesmaid”
This is the chick that blows into the bar as part of a bachelorette party; as is the rule with such collections of females there are always close to a dozen of them, they arrive in a limo, and they aren’t there long. Worse yet, with one exception, they are all either already married, Platinum Club members at Lane Bryant, or wear flannel shirts and own every CD the Indigo Girls ever made. Then, your eyes catch that one in the in middle of the herd. She’s more attractive than a baby wildebeest covered in bacon would be to a pack of lions, and thanks to the herd, you and the rest of the pack of lions have no chance to approach her.
- NFL Equivalent: The Prohibitive Favorites To Win – Seattle Seahawks, New Orleans Saints
- How It Will Go Wrong: Bachelorette parties are always bar-hopping, so they are never in your bar long enough for you and the rest of the pack to penetrate the herd.
- How It Will End: As always, failure to achieve true penetration means another night of the adult pay-per-view channels and Vaseline Extra Strength hand lotion.
2) “She’s Too Good to Be True”
We’ve all seen this woman; the really sad cases amongst us have dated her. The most common scenario is she’s someone who you meet on-line or somebody sets you up with. You enter the first meeting with low-to-middle expectations, and you are shocked to discover that not only is she hotter than a Texas summer, she’s way into you. You both rush through the obligatory dinner and drinks because you both want to get somewhere you can get naked. The trouble comes in when you discover she was born without a vagina.
- NFL Equivalent: The Teams The Media Loves – Denver Broncos
- How It Will Go Wrong: Even if she gives the kind of blowjobs that make you feel like you got your spleen sucked right out the end of your dick, eventually you will want to get to the “Main Event,” and you never will.
- How It Will End: More adult pay-per-view, except now you’re just that much more bitter.
3) “Hot Jailbait Ass”
The bouncer at the nightclub door bought her fake I.D., but if you do, you can expect to some slammer doors closing behind you. That may be the hottest ass you’ve laid eyes on in a while, but she’s still underage. In other words, if you live out any of the thoughts you may have about that hot little ass, the very same thing could happen to yours at a correctional facility near you.
- NFL Equivalent: The Teams That Are “Sexy” Now, But Just Aren’t “Of Age” Yet – Cincinnati Bengals, Carolina Panthers
- How it Will Go Wrong: When her Dad finds out that she’s dating a dude as old as he is, Dad shows up with a aluminum bat and puts some extra joints in your legs.
- How It Will End: County Jail. For those of you who might not be familiar with how that story concludes, look up the meaning of the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Rape Me.” All questions about what is going to happen to you if you tap that shit should be answered at that point.
4) “Little Miss Hot and Cold”
The woman who looks great, but she always reeks of patchouli. The woman with the awesome job, but she is always broke and bumming rent money from you. She seems like she has her shit together, but you think she might be snorting coke off the top of your toilet. (If she’s constantly listening to Built To Spill’s twenty minute live version of Neil Young’s ‘Cortez the Killer’, it’s the latter…) In other words, you have no idea what to make of her.
- NFL Equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs, Indianapolis Colts, San Francisco 49ers
- How it Will Go Wrong: It’s all fun and games until a female officer shows up on the scene and asks to search her purse. Then the crying and the begging starts.
- How It Will End: She’ll tell the cops you planted that stuff in her purse. See the end of “Hot Jailbait Ass” for further details.
5) “I Can Be a Mom AND a Party Animal”
Let’s be honest…hot older chicks have become fashionable, but then again, when did hot chicks ever go out of fashion? (Cue “Mrs. Robinson” here). It is important to remember we are not talking about Fritzy’s “Cougar of the Week” from the Dan Patrick Show. We’re talking about a mangy, old alley-cat who still thinks she is a pussy anybody still wants. Much like the Bruce Springsteen song, she may have had had some “Glory Days,” but now she’s more like Tanya Tucker’s “Delta Dawn;” she’s a faded rose from days gone by.
Dating this type of woman is always a bad idea, there’s no shot for a positive outcome. Even if you get sex out of the deal, right about the time you are going to hit the “moment of truth,” you are going to look up to see a 4-year old staring at you. If the thought of that nightmare doesn’t curdle your seed, think about what you will have to endure to get that far. Here’s hoping you are looking forward to a full night of pouring Jager Bombs into a woman who keeps screaming “Girls Night!!!” despite the fact she’s with you, and by the end she’s slumping on her barstool drooling shit like “You’ll never understand because you’re not a parent.” Naturally, this is the part where you are thinking “Well, if you are such a fucking great parent, why are you in some shithole bar whoring for drinks instead of being at home reading bedtime stories?”
Of course, you don’t say that because you are still trying to get laid, and that’s the fatal mistake. If you are still talking to her a paragraph after she tells you she’s got a kid, the nightmare of having that kid walk in on you while you are fucking is an absolute certainty. Then you get to spend the rest of your life remembering the night you showed your boner to a 4-year old.
- NFL Equivalent: The team living on past laurels – New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers
- How it Will Go Wrong: A car accident with “Little Miss Hot and Cold.”
- How It Will End: The worst possible out of any scenario like this – you’ll end up baby-sitting the kid.
6) “On Way Too Much Medication To Be In Public”
This is the kind of woman who is only at her maximum performance level when she is at at home, heavily medicated, and itching for another quasi-legal prescription. Invariably, this is the girl that announces in a somewhat “holier-than-thou” manner she doesn’t drink, but gulps Percodan like they are fucking Tic-Tacs. Things get really interesting when you notice the hood ornament imprint on her forehead, and you have a serious internal debate as to whether you ask the obvious question. You aren’t sure what opening that can of proverbial worms will get you at this point, but once you discover her county ankle bracelet and realize that she drools like a St. Bernard, the only thing you want to do is find your car keys in a big hurry.
This woman also tends to blame her unfortunate circumstances on what is a seemingly endless chain of events. It’s always “The doctor put me on OxyContin after I fucked up my knee…and blah blah blah blah…” It’s just a cover-up for the fact that there is a human being in front of you that really likes to take pills. If she’s that dishonest about her substance abuse problem, you can bet she won’t hesitate to give you a “favorable” explanation as to what that rash really is.
NFL Equivalent: The Teams That Have Way Too Many Issues – Detroit Lions, Miami Dolphins
How it Will Go Wrong: You have one too many Jager bombs and think you can make this work.
How It Will End: Two choices, and neither of them are good: The back of a police car or next to a hospital bed. Believe it or not, the police car is probably your better option; at least that way you don’t feel bad for going home. The Detroit Lions are going to blackout, and if they don’t play their cards right, it’ll probably be on divisional playoff weekend. The next day, they’ll wake up with their panties around their ankles, have a funny taste in their mouth, an absolutely no recollection of what happened…no idea any of it even happened…
This is the girl who says things like “Oh my God, I love Journey!” That seems innocent enough until she tacks on the back end to that story, which usually goes something like “My uncle used to play Journey for me all of the time…that fucking bastard. I can’t believe my parents even let him babysit me. I hope he rots in hell.” Of course, by now there’s no easy way out; you are the pilot of an airliner that blew an engine ten seconds after take-off, and your best outcome is to hit the playground rather than the elementary school.
What a lot of people don’t know is that karaoke was invented by the Japanese in 1942 as a means of torturing prisoners of war. If you doubt that, sit through two hours of liquored-up secretaries belting out 80’s crap-tacular wonders like “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” and tell us you wouldn’t be ready to confess to being the second shooter on the Grassy Knoll just to make it stop.
NFL Equivalent: The league’s drunken secretaries – San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans
How it will go wrong: Don’t kid yourself; it went south the second you agreed to go to a karaoke bar.
How it will end: You’re going to seriously consider puncturing your eardrums with one of those plastic cocktail swords.
8 ) “This Is Boring”
This is the chick who mentions right off the bat that she doesn’t want to be wherever you meet her at, and everywhere she goes she insists on telling the same “party bus story” from five years ago. She’s usually out of shape, but will constantly mention about how she was on her high school soccer team. Don’t waste your time trying to be interesting, because she isn’t listening to a fucking word you say. There’s no winning here; even should you manage to brave her white-water rapids of non-interest, you would have more fun fucking a twenty-pound sack of potatoes.
We can’t stand women like this. If you are one of these women, let us ask you this: If you’re so fucking bored, why don’t you stay home and watch “The Notebook” for the 40th time? You’re obviously the type of person that lives in that kind of fantasy world, so what’s another night crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s?
We might also add that “This is Boring” girl can easily be “On Way Too Much Medication To Be In Public” girl in disguise. You’ve been warned.
NFL Equivalent: Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears
How it will go wrong: The shit hit the fan the second your eyes met.
How it will end: The best-case scenario is getting a handjob during which she does nothing but sigh heavily and roll her eyes.
Some women are very “sharing” with their intimacy, and it’s always a weird moment when you’re in a place talking to someone that has slept with everyone in the bar except you. Since men are stupid, we will ultimately view adding our name to her list of sexual exploits as a challenge, and the prize comes with a bit more than a cough.
You have to really be careful with this one if you have a good job and make decent money, because this is also the chick that could be looking to get pregnant. Before you know it, you can end up being part-time daddy and full-time child support check writer. But usually, it’s just because she’s a whore and will blow everyone and everything if it means getting free Patron all night long.
NFL Equivalent: The team everybody has tired to ride to January – Dallas Cowboys
How it will go wrong: When you close the deal and you realize she has the number to the free clinic tattooed on her thigh
How it will end: Herpes
Every bar has one girl that feels the need to tell everybody her life story at a volume that could make concert speakers obsolete. This is particularly annoying because her story is never a good one, and seems to always involve stories of ex-boyfriends that end with the typical man-bashing that you see on Lifetime Movie Network. As far as the NFL is concerned, this girl is the team who ESPN can’t shut up about for whatever reason, be it a weird coach, ex-con quarterback, or just a general soap-opera type nature.
NFL Equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles, New York Jets
How it will go wrong: When you finally snap and tell her that it’s time to be quiet, and she smashes a beer mug over your head
How it will end: Either you get maced or booked on an assault charge.