SBM Exclusive: Conversations Not Meant To Be Public – Will Muschamp Calls a Staffing Agency


by J-Dub and Meehan

When a football team becomes a train wreck, much like the Florida Gators have become, sometimes the concept of “team” starts to show cracks. As we have been prone to do in this series, we find those cracks and expose them to you, the blog-reading public.

It seems that several such cracks have surfaced in Gainesville. It seems that Gator head coach Will Muschamp may be concerned about his future employment status as indicated by this conversation between Muschamp and a Gainesville-area staffing firm which was intercepted* by Sports Blog Movement.

*Legal Disclaimer – J-Dub and Meehan have a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fucking fabricated” by these two jamokes during yet another of their nights spent making Pine-Sol and Sterno shooters until 6 a.m. Despite that, we here at Sports Blog Movement would be willing to bet these guys probably aren’t far from the truth…

Receptionist: Hello Kelly Staffing Services, this is Kendra. How can I help you today?

WM: Hi this is Will Muschamp.  I stopped in and filled out some paperwork a few weeks back and talked to a woman in placement. I think her name was Breanne or some shit like that…

Receptionist: LeAnn?

WM: Something like that…whatever…just put me on the phone with that bitch…

Receptionist: (Hesitantly responds) Um…OK. Let me see if she’s in her office. (Transfers call)

LeAnn: Hello, this is LeAnn in Placement Services, How can I help you today?

WM: Well, LeAnn, I’ve got a big fucking problem.

LeAnn: (Awkward pause) And who am I speaking with today?

WM: It’s Will Muschamp, head coach of the Florida Gators. I was in there and filled out a bunch of paperwork after we lost to Vanderbilt and I was going to see if you had any possibilities for me yet.

LeAnn: Hi, Coach. I remember you. Let me pull your file here…(Flips through some papers) M-U-S-C-H-A-M-P, right?

WM: That’s it. I’m sure you’re a fan of the Gators since you live here in town, right?

LeAnn: Well, I used to be.

WM:  Really?  When did you stop?

LeAnn: Well, I was really more of a fan of Jim Tebow. Doesn’t he play for the Celtics now?  Then there was that other guy who was a Gator who went to the Celtics and then he killed a bunch of people or something.

WM: (mutters under his breath) Oh, fuck me…

LeAnn: Excuse me?

WM: Never mind. Do you have anything for me?

LeAnn: I’m looking at your file right now.  It looks as though we haven’t been able to find any potential opportunities for you yet.  

WM: I’m a major college head coach.  Surely there’s something that I am qualified for…

LeAnn: I’m sorry, Coach, but it seems your test scores were kind of low.

WM: What the fuck do you mean “low?”

LeAnn: Well, here’s the thing. When I say “low,” I mean “unemployably low.”

WM: No…fuck that noise. My test scores can’t be that low. I’m a major college head football coach who makes millions of dollars.

LeAnn: Yes, I realize that, Coach, but we had to merge several files because you had spelled your own name differently on every single form.  And all of the forms were filled out with a crayon.

WM: Fuck that shit. You do know I have a Master’s degree  from Auburn, right? Plus, I know for a fact I fucking nailed your reading comprehension test.

LeAnn: First of all, coach, because the majority of people we place don’t speak English, we don’t even have a reading comprehension test. Second of all, every one of our aptitude tests has 0-to-100 scale, and the highest you scored on anything was a 6. And on top of all that, Auburn is just the “Purdue” of the South. Getting a Master’s degree there just means you had the skill to pull the roll just right so that your “diploma” didn’t rip in the middle.

Even Wal-Mart screens out people with anger management issues.

Even Wal-Mart screens out people with anger management issues.

WM: Oh, there’s no way I’m taking shit like that off some dumb bitch like you.  I want to talk to the hiring manager.

LeAnn: You are calling at 3 a.m., which means I’m as good as it gets in terms of talking to a manager. Even if you call back in the morning and speak to somebody else, there’s no way we can place a guy who when asked to list his computer skills drew a picture of a dinosaur eating the Statue of Liberty.

WM: Listen, I took an SEC team all the way down to a home loss against Georgia Southern. Fuck what the papers say, I’m, getting fired, and I’ve got kids and a mortgage to worry about.

LeAnn: I appreciate your problem, but there’s just really nothing I can do at this point.

WM: Really? Nothing?

LeAnn: Another problem is the only thing you listed for experience was “licking Mack Brown’s spooge off a locker room floor.”

WM: Fuck. I’m going to end up flipping burgers, aren’t I.

LeAnn: Not with your test scores. And certainly not in this town if you lose to Florida State.

WM: Screw this…I’m just going to find the all-night liquor store. (hangs up)


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