SBM Exclusive: Conversations Not Meant To Be Public – Tom Coughlin and Giants’ Backup Quarterback Curtis Painter


by J-Dub and Meehan

When a football team becomes a train wreck, much like the New York Giants have become, sometimes the concept of “team” starts to show cracks. As we have been prone to do in this series, we find those cracks and expose them to you, the blog-reading public.

It seems that several such cracks have surfaced with the New York Giants. We recently illustrated one such crack between slacker quarterback and Nazi-wannabe Tom Coughlin. Well, it just so happens that we here at Sports Blog Movement intercepted* another such conversation between Coughlin and back-up quarterback Curtis Painter in which Painter is clearly trying to curry Coughlin’s favor.

*Legal Disclaimer – J-Dub and Meehan have a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fucking fabricated” by these two jamokes during yet another of their nights spent making Pine-Sol and Sterno shooters until 6 a.m. Despite that, we here at Sports Blog Movement would be willing to bet these guys probably aren’t far from the truth…

TC: Hello?

CP: Hey, Coach.  Curtis here.

TC: Curtis? Curtis who?

CP: Curtis Painter, coach. I’m your back-up quarterback.

TC: Huh? Really??  I thought the back-up’s name was Jim something. Oh well, what the fuck are you gonna do? Anyway, what can I do for you, Chuck?

CP: Uh, that’s Curtis, coach. I wear number 17.

TC: Are you that blond kid? Shit, I thought you were the laundry guy and you just stole a jersey.

CP: You kept me over David Carr because I had experience backing up a Manning, remember?

TC: Really? How’d you do that?

CP: I played behind Peyton Manning for two years with the Colts, coach.

TC: No shit.

CP: Yeah, I learned a lot from Peyton, and I thought that…

TC: (Interrupts) Hey, do you still have Peyton’s phone number? Do you think you could get him to call Eli? I mean…I’m out of ideas of how to get through to that guy.

CP: Well, no, but I still think I can help you, coach?

TC: How’s that, Chet?

CP: Well, I though maybe I could be the starting quarterback this week?

TC: Uhh…What?

CP: Well, I just thought with Eli throwing all those interceptions, and with what the Foles guy down in Philadelphia did to the Raiders last week, and since they are coming to town on Sunday, I just thought that…

TC: (interrupts) Uh…let me get this straight, Chuck. You want me to bench a two-time Super Bowl champion for some guy whose name I can’t even fucking remember?

CP: It’s Curtis, coach. And yes, I think I can help us as the starter. At least I won’t throw four interceptions a game.

TC: Well, Eli hasn’t thrown a pick in his last two games either.

CP: (interrupts) Yeah, I know coach, but I just thought that with Oakland coming to town that…

TC: (interrrupts) Listen kid. I appreciate your enthusiasm, and it sure took some big balls for the laundry kid to call up the head coach to beg for the quarterback job, and I’d love to get rid of that son of a bitch.  But the fact is that people love that slack-jawed fuck, the team is paying him some shit like $13 million a year, and unless somebody comes up with a picture of him with his dick stuck in a five-year-old, I’m stuck with him.

CP: Well, I guess I can understand that. But seriously, if you ever need me…put me in coach, I’m ready to play.



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Filed under Humor, Sports

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