SBM Exclusive Feature: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table On NFL Contenders and Pretenders in 2013

ex kickers round table new

With the NFL season fast approaching, it is once again time to break out our resident crew of NFL experts. In case you have forgotten, Sports Blog Movement retained five ex-NFL kickers to serve as a “McLaughlin Group” style discussion pane. The reason why we picked kickers is actually quite simple.

First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, with the exception of Uwe von Schamann, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?

With that being said, allow us to re-familiarize you with our panel, then you can take in their takes on who will be the winners and the losers in the NFL in 2013.

Ex-Kicker: Ali Haji-Shiekh

For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80′s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career.  Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it.  Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so  including him on the panel was a no-brainer.  In fact, his caustioc wit and short temper is exactly why we made him the moderator 

Ex-Kicker: Rick Danmeier

Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.

Ex-Kicker: Donald Igwebuike

After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C. taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.

Ex-Kicker: Efren Herrera

America never seemed to suit Herrera.  After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.

Ex-Kicker: Uwe von Schamann

After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the  into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970′s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.

The Contenders & Pretenders of NFL 2013

AFC North:

SBM Contributor PredictionsPatrick Young

  1. Cincinnati Bengals 11-5
  2. Baltimore Ravens 9-7
  3. Cleveland Browns 7-9
  4. Pittsburgh Steelers 6-10

Donald Igwebuike’s Predictions

  1. Cincinnati Bengals 10-6
  2. Baltimore Ravens 10-6
  3. Cleveland Browns 8-8
  4. Pittsburgh Steelers 6-10

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Baltimore Ravens: The biggest loss for the Ravens will prove to be Paul Kruger.
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton and AJ Green will be the most prolific QB/WR combination in the NFL.
  • Cleveland Browns: The injury to Barkevious Mingo could prove to be the difference in the Browns making or not making the play-offs.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers:  Linebacker Jarvis Jones begins the youth movement in Pittsburgh, but he can’t do it alone.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

I’m so sick of these fools who keep slobbering over the Ravens. Even Howlin’ Mad Murdock’s got more sense than these mudsuckers at ESPN. The SBM guy who wrote the preview pretty much nailed this. Yeah, I know he’s a Steelers fan, and so he’s got as much love for Baltimore as I do for flying (get the hell away from me with that needle, Hannibal...), but that don’t change the fact he’s right.

Unfortunately for the Ravens he [Joe Flacco] is about the only one left from a roster purge not seen on a newly crowned champion since the Florida Marlins of a decade ago. Gone are the heart and soul, Lewis and Reed. Gone are two of the best three LB’s they still had in Kruger and Ellerbe. Gone is their top playmaker in Boldin. Gone is the coma inducing Pollard, the safety that allowed Ed Reed the freedom to poach errant passes so effectively. For God’s sake that isn’t a free agent list, it’s a pro-bowl squad.

That should tell you all you need to know about that. Then there’s the Steelers. That’s a roster full of guys almost old enough to get all the 80’s TV jokes my character is all about.

The Bengals have been so bad for so long that I know saying that sounds like Hannibal when he was “on the jazz,” but no matter how goofy his plans were, they always came together. This is the year the Bengals finally come together.

Hannibal Smith and Paul McCartney: Two guys who love it when a plan Comes Together...Right Now...Over Me.

Hannibal Smith and Paul McCartney: Two guys who love it when a plan Comes Together…Right Now…Over Me.

And the Browns ain’t far behind them either. Sure that team has some front office problems. Sure this team isn’t complete yet.  But they’ve got a solid offensive line, a bruising running back. a serviceable quarterback, and a few play-makers on defense. This ain’t the same, old sorry-ass Browns we’ve been used to. I’ll bet you a couple of gold chains on it.

AFC South:

SBM Contributor PredictionPatrick Young

  1. Houston Texans 12-4
  2. Indianapolis Colts 9-7
  3. Tennessee Titans 6-10
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars  3-13

Ali Haji-Sheik’s Prediciton

  1. Houston Texans 11-5
  2. Indianapolis Colts 9-7
  3. Tennessee Titans 4-12
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars 3-13

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Houston Texans: Second-year OLB Whitney Mercilus will lead the team in sacks.
  • Indianapolis Colts: WR Darrius Heyward-Bey will have a career year in 2013.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: DT Roy Miller will be a Pro Bowl-caliber player in 2013.
  • Tennessee Titans: WR Kenny Britt will be playing elsewhere soon.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

Let’s just cut through the bullshit here. The Texans keep winning this division, and they keep not going anywhere in the play-offs. And there’s always that warning sign about this team that everybody ignores until it rears up in January and bites their  balls off. Last year, it was the shit-hammering they took at the hands of the Packers. This year, I got money says it happens either week 13 against the Patriots  (assuming Tom Brady hasn’t been turned into lunchmeat behind that shitty offensive line by then) or week 15 in Indianapolis. The Texans have shown time and time again that a quarterback who can throw the ball can flame-broil their defense like a Burger King Whopper.

On top of that, I think the only reason the Colts don’t really challenge them for the overall division title is because the Colts are young, and are certain to stumble-fuck their way into a couple of ugly losses. Despite that,  the Colts will get into the play-offs, where they  just might make some noise. As for Tennessee and Jacksonville, they don’t matter, so why should I waste any fucking time on them?

AFC East:

SBM Contibutor PredictionPatrick Young

  1. New England Patriots 11-5
  2. Miami Dolphins 8-8
  3. New York Jets 5-11
  4. Buffalo Bills 5-11

Uwe von Schamann’s Prediction

  1. New England Patriots 10-6
  2. Miami Dolphins 8-8
  3. Buffalo Bills 5-11
  4. New York Jets 3-13

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Buffalo Bills: Once EJ Manuel is healthy, opponents will need to respect the Bills offense.
  • Miami Dolphins: The time is coming soon where the Dolphins challenge the Patriots for the top spot in this division.
  • New England Patriots: This season will be a race to see which part of the patchwork collapses first; the passing game or the defense.
  • New York Jets: It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

The Ex-Kicker Says 

This will be the last year this division will belong to der Patrioten; 2013 will prove to be their march to Stalingrad. The only question is who will play the role of the Sowjetische Rote Armee? It is easier to say who it won’t be. Both der New York Flugzeuges und der Büffels will not be not be worthy adversaries for quite some time. This leaves my old team, die Delfines.  The day we retake our rightful place at the top of the division is coming soon.  In 1946, we all went to South America. Now, the only people who love Florida more than German tourists are Cubans and elderly Jews who are dying at an alarming clip. Miami will soon be the capital of  der Reich Vierte, and I will drink beer out of the skull of that schweinhunt Bill Belichick.

AFC West:

SBM Contributor Predictions – Ryan Graham

  1. Denver Broncos 13-3
  2. Kansas City Chiefs 9-7
  3. San Diego Chargers 6-10
  4. Oakland Raiders 1-15

Uwe von Schamann’s Predictions

  1. Denver Broncos 13-3
  2. Kansas City Chiefs 6-10
  3. San Diego Chargers 6-10
  4. Oakland Raiders 4-12

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Denver Broncos: The Broncos defense will be their Achilles’ Heel; Eric Decker and Demaryious Thomas will both catch at least 80 passes.
  • Kansas City Chiefs: We will say it for the third year in a row…the Chiefs have too much talent to be a 6-10 team, but that’s where they will end up.
  • Oakland Raiders: Terrell Pryor and Matt Flynn are your quarterback choices. Let that sink in for a moment.
  • San Diego Chargers: This will be year #1 of the post-Norv Turner hang-over. Ask the 2006 Raiders and the 2001 Redskins how long the Norv Hangover can last.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

Peyton Manning would have made a perfect Waffen SS officer.  He has the leadership skills, he funded a children’s hospital in Indiana where we could continue Mengele’s experiments with genetics, and he’s probably a homosexuell, just like Ernst Röhm or Heinrich Himmler. Don’t tell me his relationship with Kenny Chesney doesn’t involve one of them dressing up like a cowboy and getting roped like a kastrierter stier.  It matters not in this case, as der Denver Wildpferde are the only team in this division that can go to the playoffs.

Don’t even talk to me about der Kansas City Häuptlinge. They are just the NFL’s version of der Lüftwaffe. Yes, they have a ton of talent, but they have no leadership.  Andy Reid is just another incarnation of Hermann Goerhing; just another fat guy who can’t take overwhelming talent to final victory.

NFC East:

SBM Contributor Prediction Ryan Meehan

  1. Washington Redskins 10-6
  2. Dallas Cowboys 10-6
  3. New York Giants 8-8
  4. Philadelphia Eagles 6-10

Ali Haji-Sheikh’s Prediction

  1. New York Giants 10-6
  2. Washington Redskins 10-6
  3. Dallas Cowboys 7-9
  4. Philadelphia Eagles 2-14

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Dallas Cowboys: A change in defensive scheme will allow linebacker Sean Lee to become one of the top defensive players in the NFL.
  • New York Giants: Eli Manning will no longer be able to get away with his mid-season swoons wtih this team.
  • Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles fans will be calling for Michael Vick’s head by week 6
  • Washington Redskins: The Redskibns offensive line has no chance of protecting Robert Griffin III adequately.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

Give me a fucking break. Every year everybody talks to me about the Plowboys, and every year they gag like a runaway at her first porn audition. And that all because of Tony Romo.  Romo gives the ball away like the typical bus station whores I see every goddamn day down at the Port Authority.  Speaking of whores, how many times a day does Jason Garrett have to go down on Jerry Jones to keep his fucking job? Seriously, how the fuck does a guy keep his job after some of the dumb shit he’s pulled? The list is too long to get into here, but how that Howdy-Doody look-alike motherfucker didn’t get fired after he iced his own kicker is beyond me.

Want another great example of how fucked up things are in Dallas? They don’t even realize that last year, they became Mike “I never won anything without a guy named Elway” Shananhan’s squealing bitch. It’s bad enough that the  Cowboys constantly gag on Eli Manning’s little pee-wiener, now they are getting their ass-cracks lubed with Shanahan’s spray-tanner.

I played for both the Giants and the Redskins, and I’m going to get a season full of watching them fight it our for the division crown. It will be a bit like watching two bums at the Salvation Army fighting over the least piss-stained raincoat.

NFC North:

SBM Contrtibutor PredictionsJeremy Wiebe

  1. Green Bay Packers 11-5
  2. Chicago Bears 9-7
  3. Detroit Lions 7-9
  4. Minnesota Vikings 5-11

Rick Danmeier’s Predictions

  1. Green Bay Packers 12-4
  2. Chicago Bears 10-6
  3. Minnesota Vikings 7-9
  4. Detroit Lions 6-10

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Chicago Bears: Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall will catch 100 passes this season.
  • Detroit Lions: The Lions will have the best defense and the most inconsistent offense in the division.
  • Green Bay Packers: The offensive line will prove to be this team’s downfall.
  • Minnesota Vikings: If the Vikings extend Jared Allen’s contract, it will doom them to mediocrity for five more years.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

It’s gonna hurt me more to say this than the time I had to put down my favorite mule, Delmer.  My old team, the Minnesota Vikings, just ain’t that good.  Don’t get me wrong, that there Adrian Peterson feller is a full-growed man, but that team ain’t got anything to go with him. That offensive line couldn’t block a girls’ softball team, the defense is fair at best, and the best pass their quarterback made all season was at one of them ESPN sideline reporters.  Yeah, they sneaked into the play-offs last year, but they got crushed by a Packer team that turned around and got crushed by San Francisco. That alone ought to tell you something.

Now, Green Bay is another story. They didn’t get any better, in fact, they got a little worse. And they are already hurt.  But if Aaron Rodgers stays healthy, he can get that team to 12 wins on his own. On the other hand, the Bears got better, but I don’t know what to make of this coach they got from Canada. Does this mean Chicago will be punting on 3rd down now? As far as the Lions are concerned, I got a real hard time seeing them matter as long as that lardhead Jim Schwartz is the coach.

NFC South:

SBM Contributor Predictions – Jeremy Wiebe

  1. New Orleans Saints 12-4
  2. Atlanta Falcons 11-5
  3. Carolina Panthers 6-10
  4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 4-12

Donald Igewebuike’s Predictions

  1. New Orleans Saints 13-3
  2. Atlanta Falcons 11-5
  3. Carolina Panthers 6-10
  4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5-11

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons have font-row seats for what will be Steven Jackson’s decline. will still need another pass-rusher…or two.
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers defense will keep them in more games that people think. The offense will take them out of those games.
  • New Orleans Saints: The Saints will be frustrated by the lack of an edge pash rush.
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Running Back Doug Martin will lead the NFL in yards from scrimmage as Greg Schiano loses confidence in Quarterback Josh Freeman.

The Ex-Kicker Says:

Ok, so there were four members of the A-Team, and there’s four teams in an NFL division. But this one is the perfect one  to compare tho the members of the A-Team.  The Falcons are like Hannibal Smith. They sdeem to be cool and calm, but they come up with a lot of flaky plans that don’t work as often as they do. That’s why they aren’t going to win a Super Bowl anytime soon.  Carolina is like Murdock, just plain out flaky. You just never know what you are getting with Cam Newton. I really don’t think that guy’s lid is screwed on tight enough.  Tampa Bay is like the Faceman. The Buccaneers always look good going into the season, but they prove that pretty boys can’t hang in a barfight.

Drew Brees has a new look.

Drew Brees has a new look.

 

Now, this year the Saints…the Saints are me, B.A. Baracus. They are pissed off, and are coming out swinging. They’ve got a score to settle, and they are going to take it out on every opponent they face. Win or lose, this team is going to spend sixteen games gold-ring-knuckling faces into dog meat.

NFC West:

SBM Contributor PredictionsRyan Graham

  1. Seattle Seahawks 12-4
  2. San Francisco 49ers 11-5
  3. St. Louis Rams 8-8
  4. Arizona Cardinals 7-9

Efren Herrera’s Predictions

  1. San Francisco 49ers 12-4
  2. Seattle Seahawks 11-5
  3. St. Louis Rams 7-9
  4. Arizona Cardinals 5-11

The one crucial fact you need to know about each team:

  • Arizona Cardinals: Arizona’s offensive line would have been much-improved until Jonathan Cooper broke his leg.
  • St. Louis Rams: Cornerback Janoris Jenkins will have a breakout season in 2013.
  • San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers are the most complete team in the NFL.
  • Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks offensive line is not a s stable as most people think, particularly on the right side.

The Ex-Kicker Says

Los 49ers son algunos malos desparados. They will ride on all our villages and take our women and horses.  Los Seahawks no son mucho mejores. They will rape and pillage what is left.  Los Rams y Los Cardenales son débiles y se reunirán una muerte temprana.  Those other two teams matter about as much as lame burros.

The Play-off Predictions

AFC Division Winners (z – home field, y – first round bye)

  1. Denver Broncos 13-3 (z)
  2. Houston Texans 11-5 (y)
  3. Cincinnati Bengals 10-6
  4. New England Patriots 10-6

AFC Wild Cards

  1. Baltimore Ravens 10-6
  2. Indianapolis Colts 9-7

Just Missed

  1. Miami Dolphins 8-8
  2. Cleveland Browns 8-8

AFC Wild Card Round

  • Cincinnati Bengals over Indianapolis Colts
  • Baltimore Ravens over New England Patriots

AFC Divsional Round

  • Denver Broncos over Indianapolis Colts
  • Houston Texans over Cincinnati Bengals

AFC Championship

  • Houston Texans over Denver Broncos

NFC Division Winners (z – home field, y – first round bye)

  1. New Orleans Saints 13-3 (z)
  2. San Francisco 49ers 12-4 (y)
  3. Green Bay Packers 12-4
  4. New York Giants 10-6

NFC Wild Cards

  1. Seattle Seahawks 11-5
  2. Atlanta Falcons 11-5

Just Missed

  1. Washington Redskins 10-6
  2. Chicago Bears 10-6

NFC Wild Card Round

  • Atlanta Falcons over Green Bay Packers
  • Seattle Seahawks over New York Giants

NFC Divisional Round

  • New Orleans Saints over Seattle Seahawks
  • San Francisco 49ers over Atlanta Falcons

NFC Championship

  • San Francisco 49ers over New Orleans Saints

Super Bowl

San Francisco 49ers over Houston Texans

4 Comments

Filed under Sports

4 responses to “SBM Exclusive Feature: The Ex-Kicker’s Round Table On NFL Contenders and Pretenders in 2013

  1. Consider Darrius Heyward-Bey has only 11 touchdown receptions in his four year career, wouldn’t a “career year” for him mean seeing the end zone more than five times?

  2. That’s crazy we have the same Super Bowl predictions, but I think we are both dead right.

    Meehan

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