by Ryan Meehan

So the deal has officially been done:  As I’m sure you’ve probably heard, Alfonso Soriano is now a member of the New York Yankees and no longer a part of the Chicago Cubs franchise.   And as I’m sure you’ve also heard, a lot of dipshit sportswriters are saying that this is a great move for the Yankees.  Not only do I disagree with this, but it further proves the point that the media says everything the Yankees do is a fantastic idea.

While this isn’t new news, I feel I can speak a little bit on this topic since as a Cubs fan I have seen plenty of Alfonso Soriano in my lifetime.   To be quite honest, even though I don’t think that this was the way I quite envisioned this moment it does make it a little easier knowing he’s headed to the Yankees.  When the Cubs signed him in 2007, it was the most expensive deal in franchise history racking up an unbelievable sum of 136 million dollars over eight years.  It didn’t take long for us gullibly hopeful Cubs fans to see that just because the guy had perfect teeth didn’t mean he wasn’t our savior.

By 2009, Soriano had been dropped in the batting order and signs were starting to show that he was more than just your “average” waste of money.  The next year, his fielding really started to make Cubs’ fans weary and with good reason.  He led the National League in errors and fielding percentage at his position, mostly due to his “hop” move.  It was a comedy of mistakes from a franchise who invented comedic mistakes.  “Fucking pathetic” doesn’t even begin to summarize how bad he was.  He would show signs of promise at points during the coming years, but his brightest moments couldn’t get that team anywhere that was near what they paid for.

When I first heard about this story this week, and that the Yankees were going to be seriously pursuing Soriano’s services, I got pissed.  Not the Yankees, who get everything they want…Why couldn’t he have been exiled to some miserable city to end his career in relative obscurity?  Why couldn’t he have ended up in Wisconsin filling the void left by Ryan Braun’s poor choice in “nutritional supplements”?  Why would such a fair and loving God do something to spite us Cubs fans who have already been through so much?

But then I gave it a little more thought, and I realized something:  Good riddance.  This is actually great news.  What better place to move Soriano than a currently fourth place AL East squad that regardless of a seemingly endless bank account remains troubled by injuries, scandal, and the end result – just BAD baseball?  This is perfect, and it’s starting to make me wonder why I didn’t start an ipetition for this to happen back in March.  I sincerely hope the Yankees are excited about the fact that Soriano has banged 10 dingers in the past month, because once he gets there those highlights will become distant memory.

We are a nation that takes great pleasure in the misery of those with which we have poor association.  If we didn’t, we wouldn’t laugh our asses off every time Lindsay Lohan got kicked off of a movie set or drove into the back of a Ryder moving truck.  I have to admit, I am glad to see Alfonso Soriano as a part of the evil empire now that I’ve had a couple of hours to think about it.  They deserve each other, and we deserve to watch them fail together.

In other words, Go Orioles.



Filed under Sports


  1. I actually drank the Soriano Kool-Aid back in 2002.

    That year, he led the league in plate appearances, at-bats, runs, hits and stolen bases. He also hit 41 homers and batted .300.

    He hasn’t hit .300 again since.

    15 years in, he’s just shy of 2000 hits and 400 homers, impressive career numbers but probably not considering the potential we all once thought he had.

  2. The celebration in Chicago is going to look like the parade scene from Ferris Bueller.

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