Coach’s Rant Bracket: The Spiteful Sixteen

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First Round Recap:

Since the tournament began, 16 rants have battled their way into the Spiteful Sixteen. The first round provided us with several blow-outs, a few close finishes and a one big upset. 6-seed John L. Smith took down 3-seed Dan Hawkins in the west region. Other than that, the seeds held pretty true in round 1.

16 rants were bounced from the tournament in the first round. Jerry Burns’s “I love Anderson, but it was a dumb fucking play;” Mike Singletary’s “Can’t coach with ’em;” and two of the four Bob Knight rants were some of the more notable participants to take an early exit.

Now it gets interesting. The match-ups are better a the results will be even closer. EVERY VOTE COUNTS! THAT MEANS YOU, GUY SKIMMING OVER THIS PAGE WITH NO INTENTION OF VOTING. AHHHHHH! ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS!!!!

Here are your Spiteful Sixteen match-ups:


North Region

1. Mike Gundy “I’m a Man, I’m 40!”


4. John Chaney “I Just Got My Ass Blasted”

This one’s interesting. I too would like to punch John Calipari in the mouth. But is that enough to upset one of the greatest rants of our generation?


2. David Bennett “Act Like Dogs”


3. Jim Mora “Diddley Poo”

These rants are both good but for two different reasons. With Mora, you get a coach telling you how it is. Nowadays when you’re watching a coach’s post-game press conference, you can hardly tell if the coach won or lost the game. It’s nice to see a coach give you something more than the generic “one game at a time” mantra in response to a question. On the other hand, David Bennett’s rant is priceless. I can’t understand a word he’s saying. But damn it, I like it. It’s like listening to someone sing opera music in Italian or some other language. It’s so foreign, yet so perfect.


South Region

1. Lee Elia “They Can Kiss My Fucking Ass”


5. Bob Knight “You Fucked it Up to Begin With”

This should be a cakewalk for Elia. Bob Knight’s rants are shocking and angry but they lose their luster once you realize that that’s just how he was all the time.


3. Mike Ditka “What Do You Care?”


2. Les Miles “Kiss ‘Em On the Mouth”

Les Miles has one of the only happy rants in this tournament. He rambles on forever about his seniors until he finally realizes how far he’s strayed from the actual question. Then he sums it up with, “Wow, what a game! Huh!?” Excellent. Ditka is Ditka. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago so I’ve heard “Da Coach” be an asshole to reporters on hundreds of occasions.


East Region

1. Earl Weaver “Baltimore Orioles Baseball Fucking Network” 


4. Bob Knight “I’m Not Here to Debate This Shit With You People”

Again, Bob Knight just being himself against one of the single greatest rants I’ve ever heard. It might be too good. That’s what I’m worried about. Is it fake? I’ve heard it replayed on sports radio several times and it’s generally accepted as an authentic rant. However, I have my suspicions. If it is real however, this is the single greatest thing (let alone rant) that I’ve ever heard. It’s poetry. “The fuckin’ goddamn Atlanta Braves.” The literary term for that is assonance… Just brilliant. And the way he does the sign off at the end: “…That’s about it for ‘Manager’s Corner.’ Go fuck yourself and the fuck with your show. Coming up next on the Baltimore Orioles Baseball fucking network.” Remarkable. This must be the angriest old man ever to live.


3. Denny Green “They Were Who We Thought They Were”


2. Kevin Borseth “Damn Offensive Rebounds”

We’ve all seen Denny Green’s rant 543636274563 times on ESPN which inclines me not to vote for it. But you have to admit, it’s a classic. On the other hand, it’s so entertaining to watch Kevin Borseth trying desperately to not drop an F-bomb.


West Region

1. Mike Mahanic “That Ain’t Worth a Fucking Shit”


4. Jim Mora “Playoffs!?”

Again, another ESPN overplayed rant with Jim Mora.  Mahanic’s rant is outstanding. I wish I was there to witness it. Someone really needs to tell him, “Dude…. it’s golf.”


2. Herman Edwards “You Play to Win the Game” 


6. John L. Smith “The Coaches Are Screwing it Up”

Another classic NFL rant that ESPN replays right before Herm Edwards appears on NFL live. Smith’s rant is the only on-field rant which makes it special. What you see in his response is raw emotion. He had no time to cool down. He just reacted. Unbridled rage. You gotta love it.


Cast your votes for the Spiteful Sixteen and come back daily to check on your favorite rant’s progress. Share this with your friends! The more votes the better!


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