If you aren’t familiar with the Ex-Kickers Round Table, you can read their biographies here. In short, the Ex-Kickers Round Table is SBM’s panel retained to give insights on the NFL and whatever other topics they might stumble into. Your moderator is Ali Haji-Shiekh.
Ali Haji-Shiekh: Well, gentlemen, we all made some predictions before the play-offs started and some of those predictions laid a giant turd. Uwe Von Schamamm, you had the most epic fail when it came to predictions. All four of the teams you had in this weekend’s Conference Championship ate it harder than Rachel Maddow in an edible panty store. You had the Seahawks against the Vikings, and the Colts against Broncos. What the hell happened?
Uwe Von Schamamm: Early in that first-round game against Green Bay, it became clear the Vikings rely far too much on Adrian Peterson.
Rick Danmeier: Aw, hell, I could have told you that.
Donald Igwebuike: Yeah, because you missed that EXACT same problem with RGIII and the Redskins.
Danmeier: Yeah, I did. But did you see that field in Washington? I’ve plowed fields that looked better than that. And I’ve shot horses with legs in worse shape than Griffin’s, too.
Igwebuike: That’s just typical Washington foolishness. They build a billion-dollar stadium and put an Alabama dirt farm field in it. They get a franchise quarterback and let him possibly destroy his career on that joke of a field. That’s why the Redskins ain’t meant shit in 2o years.
Haji-Shiekh: I totally get that. I finished my career in Washington when they were owned by that colossal asshole Jack Kent Cooke. And somehow, they found an even bigger asshole to own that team. I mean, who in the NFL is a bigger dickface than Daniel Snyder?
Efren Herrera: That puta madre Georgia Frontiere! (belches, opens 14th Tecate of the day))
Haji-Shiekh: Well, she’s dead, so that doesn’t count. Besides, there’s always that hypocritical fuckface Robert Kraft. Here’s a guy who made it big point to have that big, photo-opportunity hug with Jeff Saturday after the NFL Lockout despite the fact that as the owner of the Patriots, he was one of the architects of the plan to try to break the Player’s union.
Igwebuike: I’ll tell you who pisses me off. Ray “I Didn’t See Nothin'” Lewis. He may not have killed those people, but he damn sure knows who did. And all these people lining up to kiss his old, washed-up ass seem to forget that.
Haji-Shiekh: Not to mention, Ray Lewis’ career has been over for at least three years now, and it seems nobody has bothered to tell him.
Von Schamann: That is very true, but I can’t stand that schwienhunt Jim Schwartz. Not only is he the worst coach in the league, but he is a crybaby stück scheiße.
Danmeier: Don’t ferget about Antonio Cromartie. How can a feller who has four kids with his wife and eight more with seven other women not be a big ol’ pile of cowflop?
Haji-Shiekh: Maybe we can make a poll question out of that, but we’ve got to get back to the action on the field. Rick and Donald both had the 49ers and the Patriots making it to the Championship games. How did you two mouth-breathers get that right?
Igwebuike: Because San Francisco can run the ball and play defense.
Danmeier: Because them Patriots always seem to win at least once before they choke.
Haji-Shiekh: That’s an interesting comment. Are the Patriots really living on the glory of days gone by?
Von Schamann: The Patriots are like the Luftwaffe in 1940. They’ both had an impressive run up until their decisive loss to a seemingly inferior opponent. The German Air Force was never the same after the Battle of Britain, and the Patriots haven’t been the same since the first Super Bowl loss to the Giants. While New England may beat the Ravens, I think they may discover the San Francisco 49ers will be their version of the Red Army.
Haji-Shiekh: I notice nobody had the Falcons. Why is that?
Von Schamann: Because the Falcons are like the French infantry. While they perform effectively dealing colonial revolutionaries, and the Maginot Line looked impressive, they collapse against tough, ground-pounding offenses like the Wehrmacht. Seattle proved that you can blitzkrieg the Falcons. Atlanta loses that game if that dumbköpf Pete Carroll doesn’t call that time-out.
Igwebuike: Can’t trust no team that can’t win when it matters. They should have lost to Seattle.
Danmeier: Them Falcons are softer than an old cow’s teats.
Herrera: Let us ride while Los Falconeros are weak. We take their cattle and their women! (sprays beer into the air)
Haji-Shiekh: Great…look who’s awake. I want to go back to something Uwe said. Gentlemen, we are all kickers here. What do all of you think about this whole “icing the kicker” thing?
Von Schamann: It seems to be that it backfires as often as it works. What Herr Carroll did to himself is a perfect example.
Igwebuike: And don’t forget what Joe Gibbs did to himself back in 2007 when he stupidly he called two timeouts in a row and gave the opposition a 15-yard penalty which made the field that cost him the game that much easier.
Herrera: How about that ginger pendejo Jason Garrett who iced his own kicker?
Danmeier: It’s one of the dumbest things a coach can do. As a kicker, I’ll take anything that gives me a free practice shot at a game-winner.
Haji-Shiekh: I’m with Rick. Either you can make a kick or you can’t. Did you notice in the Ravens game that the Broncos didn’t “ice” Justin Tucker? And last year, The Patriots didn’t “ice” Billy Cundiff right before he missed a game-winning chance. It’s’ all a bunch a bullshit. Let’s get back to the topic. Gentlemen, give me your conference championship winners and your Super Bowl champs.
Von Schamann: San Francisco and Baltimore. San Francisco wins it all.
Danmeier: Patriots and 49ers, with the 49ers winning it all
Igwebuike: Baltimore will beat San Francisco in the Super Bowl.
Herrera: San Francisco gana el Campeonato! (passes out)
Haji-Shiekh: Nobody thinks the Falcons can win this weekend, and nobody thinks the Patriots can win the Super Bowl. That’s it, were out of time. Stay tuned to Sports Blog Movement for the next installment of the Ex-Kickers Round Table.