by Ryan Meehan
This past week has sucked out here in WestIll. Everybody’s sick, the snow from Winter Storm Immigrant Name or whatever the hell it was called is slowly melting, and the general mood is very depressing. I myself was feeling under the weather until I saw something that made me smile.
On Tuesday, as I sit at home in the early evening I run across this:
That’s right, Lovie Smith will be interviewed by the Philadelphia Eagles. As a Giants fan who is not a very big Lovie supporter, this turned my frown upside the fuck down when I read about it. It’s just hilarious. Nothing would be a bigger thinner in the blood flow of mediocrity that is surrounding that franchise with guns drawn than the second coming of Art Shell wearing the headset for the Iggles.
At first there was this ecstatic moment where I thought he might actually be a lead candidate and that this was really going to happen, quickly followed by this “too good to be true” moment of clarity. However, there is a possibility otherwise they wouldn’t be interviewing him at all so I figured I’d better draft something up and just present my side of the story. So here’s my message to Lovie, unedited:
Thank you for taking this letter into consideration as I know you have several documents to look over at this particular time. Since we’re already there, let’s talk about that for a minute.
Between you and me, (and the rest of the world of sports that knows better) we all realize that you don’t really have several documents to look over. I am guessing because of the fact that you started the year 7-1 and didn’t make the playoffs it’s not a feeding frenzy for your attention in the popularity department. I see that you are interviewing with the Philthadelphia Eagles on Thursday and I was going to just let you know I hope that interview goes very well for you.
A wise man once said: “Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way”. Since you represent the true spirit of falling under the latter category, I’d just like to share with you the thought that there’s no better place to carry on that tradition of almost making it happen like Philadelphia. I think that you would make a great successor to Andy Reid, and with a little work I believe that you can turn a 4-12 team into a completely different 4-12 team, or perhaps even a 3-13 that’s in a whole separate class of irrelevance.
I’m thrilled that you have left the Illinois market. I can’t tell you how nice it is not to hear about whether or not fans who sort of care but won’t think that hard about anything care about you sort of caring but not thinking too hard about anything. We don’t miss you, and nothing else has changed. Actually, that’s not true. Gas prices have gone down. Christmas cleanup went off without a hitch, and Bears fans are already hammered preparing for next year and yelling about how they are the most awesome team to even set foot on a football field. So it’s time for you to move on, and the best place for you to do that would be in Philly.
Since you won’t exactly have the defense that you were able to ride to Super Bowl Forty One (and by “exactly” I mean “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”) the NFC East is a perfect place for you to be the punching bag of that NFL fragment. Hell, I could see you underachieving to your heart’s desire by losing to the Cowboys if you really worked hard enough. As a Giants fan, might I just be the first one to say welcome aboard. We also think you should keep that offensive line that’s getting younger every day.
Ryan P Meehan
P.S. I know this news seems to good to be true, but I just want to be shown the light – that the world isn’t such a horrible existence and that people like you belong in places like that. Give me a reason to smile like there’s something bad about my intentions.
I’m aware that Bruce Arians will probably get this job if he decides he wants it, but it was worth a shot. And if nothing else, it gave me something to do to distract me from this cold.