by J-Dub and Ryan Meehan
Blogs are not like radio and TV stations, which in order to maintain their FCC licenses are required to air a certain amount of public affairs programming. That is no excuse for us as a citizenry to be uninformed. In that spirit, the Sports Blog Movement has assembled a McLaughlin Group-like discussion panel comprised of an eclectic group of ex-NFL kickers to offer the most diverse range of opinions possible.
You may ask why did we pick kickers? First of all, many kickers never made any real money during their careers, and as you will notice as you read the biographies of our newly-assembled panel, they didn’t make a lot of money afterward. This means kickers are to football players what bloggers are to the main-stream media. What better kindred spirits could we have?
With that being said, allow us to introduce the panel.
Moderator Ali Haji-Shiekh
For those of you who may not know, and we’re guessing that’s all of you, Ali Haji-Shiekh was a placekicker for the University of Michigan in the early 80′s, then went on to a rather short and mediocre NFL career with the New York Giants and Washington Redskins. Now, he’s the main man on the floor buffer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, and he’s a little bit bitter about it. Despite that, has some unique perspectives, so including him on the panel was a no-brainer. What’s the worst that could happen?
Contributor Rick Danmeier
Somehow, Danmeier made the journey from the University of Sioux Falls to a five-year stint with the Minnesota Vikings. One of the last straight-on kickers in the NFL, retirement saw Danmeier return to South Dakota and the isolation of his wheat farm.
Contributor Donald Igwebuike
After immigrating from Nigeria, Igwebuike split the uprights for Clemson. His NFL days were spent mostly in more fruity colors with Tampa Bay. Now, his foot finds itself on the gas pedal of a Washington, D.C., taxi, and he’s clearly taken to the weight room in an attempt to over-compensate.
Contributor Efren Herrera
America never seemed to suit Herrera. After a career kicking for UCLA, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Seattle Seahawks, Herrera returned home and became a 19th-century Mexican warlord.
Contributor Uwe von Schamann
After his five seasons with the Miami Dolphins, von Schamann returned to his college stomping grounds in Oklahoma, amassing bazillions of dollars in the oil business and spending his time plotting world domination. Dropping a kid from the recently de-Reiched Germany of the into the “Yee-Haw” environment of Oklahoma of the 1970′s could only have the alkali-metal-tossed-into-the-fish-tank effect need to exemplify the “Adolf Eichmann-meets- J.R. Ewing”-type calculating evil of von Schamann.
Haji-Shiekh: Welcome back to the Sports Blog Movement Ex-Kickers Round Table. In one of the only smart moves made by the people who run this electronic fish-wrap, they assembled a collection of people who actually played the game. Of course, this is a blog, so all they could afford is a bunch of kickers, and I’m the only one who isn’t a complete blowfuck. But enough of that shit.
In today’s episode, we are going to examine all 12 NFL playoff teams in detail. We can do that because even though we were kickers, we actuallu put on a jock on stepped on the field, and we had something to drop into those jocks, unlike most of the dipshit hacks who call themselves “bloggers.” With that, I’d like to ask Rick Danmeier about his Minnesota Vikings. Rick, I bet your mother looks at Adrian Peterson and would love to get some of that big “Mandingo” action…know what I mean?
Danmeier: Well, I’m not sure what that means, but even a stud like Peterson couldn’t hold up against our old mule Delmer. Ol’ Delmer was a-draggin’ his business in the dirt, if you know what I mean. The joke used to be that Delmer could pull a tractor out of the mud because he had five legs, if’n you know what I mean.
Haji-Shiekh: Sadly, I think I do. But Peterson is a man amongst boys in the NFL. I mean, he has to be the league MVP, correct? Without him, the Vikings are still turning street tricks with “Bristlehead’s” mother over here (points at Igwebuike).
Igwebuike: Don’t you talk about my momma, motherfucker! (waves jewel-encrusted fist at Haji-Shiekh)
Von Schamann: While Peterson may be such a quality physical specimen as to make us re-think the entire concept of Aryan Supremacy, even with such an uber-schwartzer the Vikings go no further than the second round. Christian Ponder may be to quarterbacks what Von Paulus was to Field Marshals.
Herrera: Bring on the donkey with el pene grande!!! (takes an impossibly huge pull off an unlabeled bottle with what we think is a worm floating in it)
Igwebuike: One more comment about my momma and I will bury my foot so far in your camel-riding ass you will be flossing with my shoelaces!
Igwebuike: Don’t look now, but I pity the fool that doesn’t take this team seriously. If RG III can’t beat you, Alfred Morris can. And their defense is under-rated.
Von Schamann: I must agree. Griffin has organized the Redskins into a powerful, if inexperienced fighting force like Marshal Tito did with the Yugoslavian resistance in 1943. Schwienhunt.
Haji-Shiekh: So, Hitler Jr. – since Oklahoma and Texas are butt-cousins, talk to me about the Houston Texans. I mean, do they have what it takes to leave a trail of scorched earth through the play-offs?
Von Schamann: It is funny you make reference to the “burn everything” strategy employed by the under-menschen Bolsheviks in 1941. At the time, they knew they were fighting a losing war. The Texans seem to have taken on the same mentality. In their first 12 games, they were like the Waffen SS; they simply couldn’t be stopped; they amassed a record of 11-1. But in their last four games, all of which were against playoff teams, the Texans have looked more like the Polish infantry, going 1-3. I think they are finished.
Danmeier: I reckon I agree with “Fritz” over there. The Texans have the same look in their eye as a cow does right after you hit’em with a stun gun.
Haji-Shiekh: So what about the Falcons? Are they going to finally put together impressive playoff run, or are they going to drown in their own piss again?
Igwebuike: I just can’t buy the Falcons until they show me they can win a big game. But at least thye aren’t Andrew “Lucky” and the sorry-ass Colts and their cancer-boy coach. Who else is sick of that fucking story by now?
Haji-Sheikh: You are gigantic ball of mohawked anus. No wonder nobody likes you. The Colts are the NFL’s “feel-good” story of 2012, and now they’ve got “Webster on Steroids” shitting all over them . They were a passenger train full of orphans derailing into a sewage fire, and now having rallied around their stricken coach Chuck Pagano they have propelled themselves to double digit wins and a play-off spot. By the way, which “Mr.T” look are you going for anyway? Are you supposed to be “Clubber Lang” or “B.A. Baracus?” It’s hard to tell since now you look more like “Mike Tyson raping Liberace.”
Igwebuike: Oh, that’s it! You’re a dead man! (lunges at Haji-Shiekh)
Herrera: Sit down, pendejos! (fires pistol into the ceiling, then takes another impossibly huge pull off an unlabeled bottle with what we still think is a worm floating in it)
Von Schamann: It is clearly time to restore some order here. I would like to ask a question about the Baltimore Ravens. In honor of my esteemed colleague, are the Ravens the master of the floor buffer or are they spilled coffee on white rug? In other words, are they legitimate threat to blitzkrieg through the play-offs, or are they And is Baltimore one of the most beatable teams in the first round?
Danmeier: I just don’t get the Ravens either. Do they know that defense is old and needs to be sent to the slaughterhouse?
Haji-Sheikh: (laughing) Rick, that’s some funny shit…haha. I wonder what a Ray Lewis sausage would taste like?
Igwebuike: Don’t you say it, asshole!
Danmeier: Don’t look now, but the NFC side of this thing is full of guys who can make plays with their feet as well as their arms. There’s Kaerpernick, RG III, Russell Wilson,and even Aaron Rodgers. These guys can all give defenses forty miles of bad road.
Von Schamann: Yes, but in contrast the Konference Amerikanische is full of traditional pocket passers, regular raketenwerfers…Brady, Manning, Flacco, Schaub, Dalton…Andrew Luck is the only guy in the AFC who can scramble with any efficacy. If he can not turn the ball over, the Colts may surprise some people.
Haji-Shiekh: Okay, we are getting slimmer on time than Tom Brady’s wife when she’s barfing off the baby weight. In one sentence, what will be the biggest surprise in these playoffs?
Igwebuike: Russell Wilson is going to lead the Seahawks to the NFC Championship Game.
Von Schamann: Actually, I was going to say the same thing about Adrian Peterson and der Vikings.
Danmeier: Man, that would be sweet, but I think the big surprise will be how quickly Peyton Manning and the Broncos are out of the playoffs.
Herrera: San Francisco gana el Campeonato! (sprays beer into the air, passes out)
Haji-Shiekh: OK, whatever the hell that means…Gentlemen, give me your conference championship match-ups.
Danmeier: Texans and Patriots, Redskins and 49ers.
Von Schamamm: Seahawks and Vikings, Colts and Broncos.
Igwebuike: Broncos and Patriots, Seahawks and 49ers.
Herrera: (wakes up) Gigantes y Dodgeros!!! (passes out again)
Haji-Shiekh: Naturally, we aren’t even talking about baseball, so that’s where the Mexican Drinking Bean goes. I swear, he slips in and out of conciousness more often than Lindsay Lohan’s vibrator. Alright, in a word, let’s have your Super Bowl winners.
Von Schamann: Broncos.
Herrera: (somehow manages to belch, snore, and fart simultaneously)
Haji-Shiekh: That’s the most sense he’s made all day. You know something Donald? Even though you look like a lawn gnome with a Zales credit card, I think you’re right. I think the Seahawks have an excellent chance to shock the shit of some people. They are going to shine like the Port Authority floor after my buffer makes sweet love to it. I think they get to the Super Bowl, but that’s where the dream ends, because the Broncos are going to ride Peyton Manning all the way to another ring just like I used to ride Phil Simms’ wife after practice.
That’s it, were out of time. Stay tuned to Sports Blog Movement for the next installment of the Ex-Kickers Round Table.
-J-Dub and Meehan